Y'ALL...

Y'all, I woke up Monday morning genuinely looking forward to going in to work. No tight neck muscles, no churning stomach, no clenched teeth...just a quiet smile as I headed out the door under a star-studded sky early Monday morning.

Can we all just pause a moment to appreciate what a HUGE deal this is?

Y'all, for the first time in I-can't-remember-when (at least 5 years!), I do not have to go to work or do a crap-ton of homework on Thanksgiving weekend. Several of the kids and their families are rolling in for the weekend, and I am super excited about cooking turkey, dressing, and all the fixings.

Can we just pause a moment to appreciate the gift of having time - finally - to be human?

Y'all, I am back in yoga class consistently, and I even attended a spin class last night for the first time in over 6 months. It felt wonderful to work up a sweat exerting long-neglected muscles.

Can we pause a moment to appreciate opportunities for self-care?

Y'all, in the past week, I had tea and a catch-up with a sister-friend who has walked this life with me for almost 50 years; I celebrated a major life event with a young friend I watched grow from a toddler to a man; I enjoyed Sabbath with a sister-friend who breathes Jesus all over me every time we are together; and I said goodbye-for-now to another sweet friend who worships now in the presence of her Savior and mine.

Can we pause a moment to savor the goodness of friendship?

It is the Golden Hour. The sun, already low in the western sky, casts a soft amber light across the hayfield outside my window. Early morning and late afternoon - sunrise and sunset - are magical times in the hayfield, simply because of the light.

Y'all...

I have been very, very tired - body and soul - for a long, long time. But today, I feel like I am waking up after a long and troubled sleep.

Today, I feel grateful.

Hopeful.

Awake.

PORCH SWING

When the sun drops behind newly-leafed trees on the western horizon, day shifts hard from almost-too-hot to a-bit-too-cool. Shivering, I retrieve a sweater and a cup of hot tea. Evening chill, you may NOT drive me inside!

I am reluctant to abandon my spot on the porch swing.

God is present everywhere - barnyard, highway, grocery check-out line, woodland walk, hospital room, laundry mat, dental chair, church sanctuary...

But on the porch swing on a cool evening, with the birds singing riotous praise as sunlight fades to softer gold across the hay field, the veil is so thin I can almost hear Him breathe.

WHAT I WANT MOST...

"You always do what you want most to do."

At least that's what my husband tells me.

I started the day with high ambitions. And, I have checked several things off my to-do list: wrote an article; cleaned at Catherine's; ironed my work uniforms; answered a few emails...

But there is so much more that I wanted to do that I simply did not do!

Apparently, more than washing windows, submitting a query, or fighting the pre-Christmas crowds in search of a few last-minute gifts, what I REALLY wanted to do today was...

Eat.
Sleep.
Work a jigsaw puzzle.
Drink hot beverages.
Visit with my kids.

So, yeah - what Steve said.

Sometimes I want to do the things I need to do. Yesterday, for example, I genuinely wanted to mop the floors and clean the bathrooms. (Actually, I wanted clean floors and bathrooms, and doing the work of mopping and scrubbing was the only way to achieve that.)

But what if my need-to list and my want-to list don't match up? In this season of life - I am loving the 50s - more and more, I find myself skipping the I-need-to list in favor of the I-want-to list.

Giving want-to precedence over need-to comes easily for some folks. Not for me, not for someone with an overwhelming compulsion to try to meet the perceived expectations of others. For me, the transition from need-to to want-to has been a slow, sometimes difficult process.

Thankfully, it seems to be getting easier with practice.

* * *
Quote of the day, an excerpt from a meme shared by a friend: "...life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket."

CHERISHING THE ORDINARY

It's been a long day. For me: work, grocery shopping, laundry, dinner. For my youngest: school, work, and now homework.

I love a quiet evening at home, just me and this chicken. Upstairs in the office (aka "the boys' room"), she is working on a speech for Friday's Public Speaking class, while I catch up on emails, book-keeping, and writing assignments. She's drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows (more marshmallows than chocolate, BTW - nom, nom, nom); for me, wine.

As we sit across the table from each other in the glow of our respective laptops, work is interrupted frequently by short bursts of conversation and laughter.

"What do you think about...?"

"Hey, listen to this..."

This moment is precious not because it is extraordinary, but because it is ordinary...and it will soon be gone.

VERY WELL CONTENT

Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something?

Wednesday evening, I finished reading Rosaria Butterfield's book The Gospel Comes with a House Key: Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in Our Post-Christian World. HIGHLY recommend, not because we should all be and live just like the Butterfields, but because Rosaria challenges readers to think outside our comfort zones. We all need that kind of challenge occasionally, to expose our blind spots and shake us from our complacency.

On my Author Facebook page, I shared this quote from Rosaria's book:

"Grace does not make the hard thing go away; grace illumines the hard thing with eternal meaning and purpose. Grace gives you company in your affliction, in Christ himself and in the family of God."

(Amen, and amen! After a difficult week, my body and heart weary, I wonder again how on earth people negotiate the grit of this life without Jesus. I cannot imagine. And can I say right here HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN CHRIST, those faithful friends who pray for me and with me when I am afflicted and distressed, and how thankful I am for a sweet Christian counselor who shares my burdens every week?! Thank you, Jesus, that you do not save us to do this life alone. Thank you that you saved us into a family of faith!)

So, as I was saying, Wednesday, I finished Rosaria's excellent book.

Yesterday, Thursday, I sat on the front porch swing and prayed for inspiration for next week's article for the newspaper. Prayed and swayed, listened to the birds, watched the grandkids playing in the yard, sipped my tea, prayed and swayed.

God brought this verse to mind: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," Philippians 4:13.

I thought about the week just past, its challenges, frustrations, and hurts. And I thought about how often I've tried to use Phil. 4:13 as a mantra against hardship, failure, heartbreak, and defeat. As if emphatically praying "I can do all things" guarantees me success, victory, peace, joy.

I thought about Paul, writing those great words of encouragement even as he was under house arrest, facing a trial and, if convicted, death. "I can do all things." Paul wasn't saying God would save him from persecution and an unjust death. He was saying, "With Christ, whether I live or die, I am well content."

My weekly newspaper column is not a religious column. It is a general interest column. But thinking about my own struggles this past week - and the struggle to rest well in Jesus in the midst of them - and thinking about the daunting, real-life struggles faced by so many of my readers, I wrote about Philippians 4:13, about being content in Jesus, even when life hurts.

I saved my first draft of the article, unsure if I would submit it for next week's column. Really, God? Is this what you want me to write?

And then this morning, over on her Author Facebook page, Emily Akin shared this blog post by Lynn Dove: Most Misinterpreted Scripture Verses - Philippians 4:13. Given that I had just written an article about the same passage the day before, I clicked on the link. I was curious to read Lynn's perspective on this often misused verse.

Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something?

Rosaria Butterfield's book -
An article composed on a porch swing -
A blog post shared by a friend -

Sometimes, when I am particularly weary and sore, I am tempted to wonder if God really loves me. But when He speaks with such precision into the details of my life - and does so over and over again - I cannot long entertain such foolish thoughts.

Yes, He loves me.

And with that, I am very well content.

* * *

"...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned to secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11b-13

FIREFLIES

New moon.

The world was dark when Helen and I crunched down the gravel drive home from our weekly Scrabble match at Grammy's last night. (The young'n walloped us, both games.)

Frogs scree!-d at the pond, their shrill songs carrying over the pasture. The evening air, cool and soft, was thick with honeysuckle and the heavy sweetness of mock orange.

Out on the highway, no traffic. I guess everyone was home, watching the evening news or putting away dishes or finishing homework, or they had already clocked in at Walmart for the night shift.

The hayfield is a magical place on a mild, moonless night.

A thousand-thousand stars, fallen from a limitless black sky, come alive and dance above the tops of the grasses.

"Here!"

"Here!"

"Here!"

They call to one another joyfully, ecstatically.

"Dance!"

"Dance!"

"Dance!"

And I am a child again, surrounded by fairies, walking in the darkness through a symphony of light.

10 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR TODAY (04/19/18)

Ten things I am thankful for today, in no particular order:

1. Morning light creeping across the hay field. (Never gets old...beautiful every morning.)
2. My walking buddy, Carol.
3. My prayer sisters. They are warrior princesses.
4. Bible Study Fellowship. (Even though I did not make it to class today; I hope be back in class next week, ladies!)
5. My children. My children's spouses/significant others. My children's children.
6. Helen's chocolate chip cookies. Yum! And coffee. I am thankful for coffee.
7. Helen playing the piano.
8. Old friends. (Old, as in "we've been friends a long time," not as is in, you know, old.)
9. Addie at Global Counseling Network.
10. My wonderful next-door neighbors.
11. The smell of fresh-turned earth.
12. Fuzzy black calves romping across green grass in the pasture.
13. Songbirds outside my window.
14. My parents and my grandparents, and the rich heritage of faith, courage, strength, kindness, and hope each of them gave me.
15. Sunshine!

Your turn: what are YOU thankful for today?

LOST GIRL

"I knew you when you were a girl. I knew you as a young adult. You were smart and kind and funny. You loved life. What happened to you? What happened to the girl you used to be?"

A lifelong friend spoke these words to me several years ago. I was physically exhausted and emotionally and spiritually depressed. I was past desperate...had reached a point of passive numbness. My life was not without an occasional glimmer of joy or light, but, for the most part, life was dark gray. The lively, engaged girl from my childhood had become an automaton.

Why the change? Who knows, but I think several factors contributed to this transformation: extreme physical exhaustion, emotional isolation, financial insecurity. Life was so hard, for so long, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix my situation. I tried, repeatedly, and failed, repeatedly, and finally I just gave up.

I lost track of the girl my childhood friend had known. But when my friend asked me that question, and when she described the person she had known all those years ago, something stirred deep in my memory. I began to remember that lost girl, too. I began to ask myself, "What happened to that girl? Where did she go?" The more I thought about that lost girl, the more I wanted to find her.

Fast forward several years...

I am not the same person today that I was when my friend asked those questions. I have found a bit of the lost girl - I hear her thoughts inside my head, and sometimes I hear her voice coming out of my mouth. She is older now, for sure...gray hair, thick waistline, gimpy knees...but she is still curious, still likes to have fun, still a little shy.

Why the change? I don't think I know all the factors that helped resurrect the lost girl, but I do know a few:

I am no longer severely exhausted. I don't think it is possible to overstate the harmful effects of prolonged sleep deprivation, on both physical health and mental health. There's a reason sleep-deprivation is used as a form of torture in places like prison camps. Prolonged exhaustion...a quiet, subtle, slow trauma.

I no longer feel emotionally isolated. Through the magic of the internet, I am able to communicate with friends from my past, and I can stay in conversation with friends who live far away. (Moving frequently, leaving behind friends and having to start over again from scratch in a new location...it often takes years to build emotional intimacy. Having to rebuild so many times, another subtle form of trauma.) I am thankful for my prayer sisters, who pray with me and for me. I am thankful for Global Counseling Network, thankful someone recognized the need for affordable, biblical counseling services in remote places like the hills of Northwest Tennessee.

I don't know that I am any less financially insecure than I was ten years ago, but I'm not the one juggling the numbers. They say ignorance is bliss; it's not, really, but ignorance does involve less stress, or at least a different kind of stress. I have an ATM receipt from a couple years ago taped on my wall: "Ledger balance: $2.44." Groceries for the week ahead, gas for the van (Please, Jesus, don't let the van break down this week!)...how on earth were we going to make it?! I don't know how we survived. But I do know that today, although there may still not be money in the bank, we do have groceries in the pantry and a full tank of gas in the van.

Why am I sharing all of this?

My youngest and I were talking last night, and she was sad because she felt like people she loves misunderstood and misrepresented me, her mom. "They don't know you like I do," she protested.

But here's the deal...

I am not the same person today that I was five years ago, ten years ago, thirty years ago. If you, like my friend at the beginning of this post, had known me as a child and as a young adult, you would say, "Oh, I know Camille. She is like such-&-such." And you would be right. But, if you had known me during the long slow collapse of severe exhaustion, you would say, "Oh, I know Camille. She is like (something very different)." And again, you would be correct.

My youngest is more familiar with Camille-in-the-light, so she does not understand the perspective of those who are better acquainted with Camille-in-the-darkness. But the truth is, their perspective and their experiences are real, too, just as real as hers. The truth is, I am not one or the other, either/or; I am both. Light and darkness, swirled together like ink in sunlit water.

I think one of the deepest longings of the human heart is to be both fully known AND fully loved. People - even those closest to me - are incapable of knowing me fully, completely, because time and place limit their knowledge of me. We relate to one another in still shots, outtakes, film clips. Only God sees and knows and understands the full-length drama of our lives, of who we are.

"They don't know you like I do." No, no, they don't.

But God knows me as I am, all of me, completely, and He loves me! I am content.

AROUND EVERY CORNER

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life..." - John 6:68

* * *

I wrote a couple of days ago (Joy Comes in the Morning) about God's faithfulness in meeting me in a very broken place. But God did not meet me in that dark night of the soul, perform his "surgery" on my heart, and then step back to let me continue healing on my own.

This past week, I have met Him around every corner.

God has been EVERYWHERE, speaking with precision into the needs of my heart and my soul:

• In my daily Bible reading (Job, Matthew, Psalms, Romans...everywhere I look, I find God saying, "Camille! Here I am with you. I love you. Be strengthened. Take heart!")
• In the world and the weather outside my kitchen window
• In the BSF study notes for the book of Romans, and in Kathy's lecture on Thursday
• In the comments made by the other women in my BSF small group
• In the songs my daughter plays on the piano. (Thou lovely source of true delight, whom I unseen adore, unveil thy beauties to my sight that I might love Thee more, oh, that I might love Thee more!)
• In the compassion of the woman on the treadmill next to me
• In the book about prayer that a friend gave me almost two months ago, but that I just started reading a few weeks ago (I guess God knew this book needed to be saved until the moment when it would speak most effectively to my heart.)
• In a technical book about the craft of writing, of all the weird places!
• In the gracious words of the lady cutting my hair
• In an article shared by a friend on Facebook
• In the prayers of friends
• In the still, quiet darkness of wee-hours morning

Everywhere I have turned, God has met me.

I am amazed at how much pain and hurt has been soothed away over the past two days by my loving Father.

Three nights ago, heartbroken and sore, I lay awake weeping tears of sorrow.

Last night, overwhelmed by the goodness, faithfulness, tenderness, compassion, and love of God, I wept tears of gratitude and joy.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

In the night before this morning's dawn, a passage from one of the Psalms came to mind. When I was a small girl, the church my family attended sang Psalms - the words of the Psalms of the Bible, set to music - instead of hymns or praise music. One particular chorus, a rather bouncy call-&-response learned way back in my childhood, kept running through my head:

"Oh, taste and see - [oh, taste and see!] - that God is good - [that God is good!]; Who trusts in Him is blest. Fear God, His saints - [fear God his saints] - none that Him fear - [none that Him fear] - shall be with want oppressed."

I was having a private little praise fest, lying there in the darkness! My heart was so full!

Then the sun came up. I showered, dressed, brewed a pot of coffee, poured a cup, and sat down with my Bible. Today's reading: a couple of chapters in Exodus, a chapter in Matthew, a passage in Romans, and a Psalm.

You want to guess which Psalm was up for today?

Psalm 34.

How cool is that?!

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack.

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all. - Psalm 34:8, 18-19

Have I mentioned yet...GOD IS SO GOOD?!

* * *

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." - Lamentations 3:21-24

IF I AM NOT MY OWN, THEN WHY AM I JEALOUS?

"For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's...you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God...each of us will give an account of himself to God." - Romans 14:7-8, 10, 12

* * *

If I am not my own, then why am I jealous?

Jealousy is all about comparison. It's about one-up-manship. It's about feeling better about myself because I have more notches in my stick than you do...or feeling like a failure because I don't. Jealousy causes me to be unduly critical of those who achieve greater success than I do, it robs me of joy, and it sets me on a path toward discouragement and defeat. At its core, jealousy is about finding my worth, security, and delight in something other than God.

God created each of us as unique individuals:  no two people are exactly alike. Each of us has been gifted to reflect God's glory in a unique way.

For me, as a writer, that means I am called to write the story God has gifted me to write. Yes, I have much to learn from other writers, but writing is not a competition between me and the author of today's New York Times best-seller. God requires me to give an account of my obedience to his calling on my life - He does not require me to give an account of how well I fulfilled his calling for Best-seller Bob.

Karen Ball posted an excellent article at The Steve Laube Agency this week about the green-eyed monster called Jealousy and about how it preys upon writers, in particular. Karen confronts jealousy as sin and she exhorts writers to repent of the comparison game. Then, she issues a challenge to turn the temptation to indulge in jealousy into an occasion for praise instead: instead of envying the writer whose success is greater than mine, I can rejoice with other writers over God's blessing in their lives! (You can read Karen's entire post HERE.)

Jealousy demonstrates a large view of myself and a small view of God:  when I am jealous of another's success, I believe and act on the lie that life is all about me, and not about my Savior.

I am thankful for the reminder in the Romans passage above that whether I live or die, I am the Lord's. Because I am the Lord's, I do not have to play the comparison game. Because I am the Lord's, I can rejoice with those who are rejoicing, even if they are other writers who are more successful than I am. Together, we can glorify God and give thanks for his goodness!

I can't help but think that Satan smiles when we indulge in the sin of jealousy. How our enemy must recoil, then, when we turn from self-interested comparison to celebrating God's goodness to others! Is there someone in your life who, when you think of them, you feel jealous? Repent, and thank God not only for the blessings He has given you, but for the blessings He has given others, too.

* * *

"Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, 'The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.'...May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 15:2-3, 5-6

MELANCHOLY

Okay, I admit it: I'm a melancholy.

I know...you are totally not surprised, are you?

Not only do I need to admit the truth that I am a melancholy - to myself and to others - but I also need to embrace that truth.

I have a friend who is a sunshine. Time spent with her is like a holiday on the beach, like basking in the shekinah of God's goodness and grace.

But my sunshine friend reminded me recently: one of the glories of God's kingdom is that it is comprised of so many different kinds of people, people created and uniquely gifted to minister the gospel in a thousand thousand different ways and situations.

There is a place, she reminded me - and a purpose - for even the melancholies.

Among my greatest blessings are the wonderful Jesus-reflecting people God has ordained to walk this life with me.

I am a melancholy.

Do you have any idea how many times I have been told to "just get over it" when I have been grieved by sin? Do you want to try to guess how often I have been told I to "toughen up" when I have been saddened by the brokenness I see in the world around me?

I take things "too seriously." Something that weighs no more than a shadow to another may feel like a millstone to me.

Feeling the weight of shadows...that's messed up. Not normal. What's wrong with you?!

Yeah, what's wrong with me?! You think I like this heaviness?

On the up side, though...

This heaviness is married to tremendous joy.

Can't handle the melancholy? You probably wouldn't be able to handle my happy side, either. The weight of the joy that is mine in Christ completely dwarfs the melancholy. Like bedrock, the weight of this joy would, I fear, crush some.

G. K. Chesterton put it this way: "Everything human must have in it both joy and sorrow; the only matter of interest is the manner in which the two things are balanced or divided...Christianity satisfies suddenly and perfectly man's ancestral instinct for being the right way up; satisfies it supremely in this; that by its creed joy becomes something gigantic and sadness something small and special...Joy, which was the small publicity of the pagan, is the gigantic secret of the Christian."

So, if I could leave off being a melancholy...and if doing so meant I would have to trade this great heart-bursting "gigantic secret" joy for some "small publicity" knockoff...well, no thanks. I'll pass.

I'm a melancholy, and I'm happy with that.

A SILLY LITTLE PRAYER

I jumped out of bed this morning eager to get started on a busy day. My morning routine typically looks something like this:

Dress, brush teeth, etc. Pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the kitchen counter to read my Bible. Pray for my family and my church family and for the day ahead. Start a load of laundry. Check Todoist, email, and Facebook, then head out the door to morning exercise class at Caroline's in Troy...

This morning as I waited for Todoist to load on the computer, I realized that I had not prayed for the day ahead. I am a Type A person who loves to have a plan and who loves to make that plan happen. Life doesn't always go according to plan, however, so it is important for me to pause at the beginning of each day to remember that God's plan may not be the same as my plan and to pray that I will be open and obedient to his plan instead of insisting on mine.

I pray each morning for open hands: for God to place in my hands the things He wants me to do each day, and for him to enable me to willingly release from my hands those things I am tempted to grasp tightly but which are not his purpose for me that particular day.

So today as I waited for Todoist to load, I thought, "Ah! I forgot to pray for open hands today!" I took a minute to consider the many things I need to get done today, and I prayed that God would give me open palms and relaxed fingers for the day ahead. And then I thought how silly it was to think that a simple, rather ritualistic prayer was so important.

I checked email and Facebook, switched the clothes from the washer to the dryer, grabbed a water bottle and headed out the door to exercise class. That's when my Plan A for today began to unravel...

Short story - I didn't make it to class at Caroline's.

When I realized that I wasn't going to be able to drive to Troy, a wave of frustration rose inside me. That frustration was checked almost immediately, though, by this thought: "Oh! So this is one of those things You want to take out of my hand today! Yes, I need to let this go. What do you have for me to do instead?"

As I headed back inside - disappointed, but not angry or upset or derailed - I thought to myself: that silly little prayer for "open hands" is not so silly after all.

PRAYING WITH OPEN HANDS
- originally published August 3, 2016

We all have more demands on our time each day than we can possibly hope to meet. I get out of bed each morning knowing that I am not going to get everything on my ToDo list checked off before I crawl back into to bed at the end of the day.

How can I choose wisely what to do today, and what to leave undone? And at the end of each day, how can I be free from worrying about all the things I didn't get around to?!

The Bible tells us in James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it [wisdom] will be given to him." Those are encouraging words for this oftentimes overwhelmed mom!

This verse tells me that God is the source of wisdom. It also assures me that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask for it, and that He doesn't reproach me when I acknowledge me need for his help. I can never ask God for wisdom too many times. I can never ask for too much. God is the source of all wisdom, and He is able and willing to meet my need.

So what does this have to do with my mile-long ToDo list?

One of the first things I pray each morning is for God to give me the wisdom to know what to do and what to leave undone. I ask him to help me choose wisely what things to make a priority. I also ask him for grace to let go of things I will not be able to accomplish.

As I pray, I picture an open hand, palm up. My prayer is for God to put into my open hand the tasks He wants me to work on, and for Him to remove from my hand those things that are not his will for me that day. I also pray that I will not be tight-fisted - that I will not insist on MY ToDo list while neglecting God's priorities for me.

This "open hand" prayer does not mean I accomplish everything on my ToDo list each day. However, it does mean that, trusting God's wisdom, I can climb into bed at night without suffocating under a mountain of guilt for the Undone.

This "open hand" prayer is something I have practiced for several months now. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new application for this prayer.

Sunday evening, a group gathered around the table had a rather animated and emotionally intense conversation concerning a topic about which we all held strong opinions. I left the table that evening feeling bruised and discouraged because I didn't think anyone else had listened to or seriously considered my thoughts on the subject. My input into the conversation had been ridiculed and then dismissed.

I climbed into bed with a heavy heart. "God," I prayed, "I want to be heard and listened to, but I have been ignored. I want my input to be respected and thoughtfully considered, but instead I have been dismissed." I was well on my way to a full-blown pity party when my morning-prayer image of the open hand popped into my mind.

I want to be heard, listened to, respected - these were things I was grasping tightly inside my balled fists. These were things I did not want to let go of, things I did not want to give up.

Then I considered my sweet Savior. He, of all people, should have been respected...but He was reviled. He, of all people, should have been listened to, but He was ignored. His opinions, of all opinions, should have been highly considered, but they were dismissed.

And He was content to be disrespected, ignored, dismissed...for my sake.

My "open hand" prayer took on a whole new meaning. "Lord," I prayed, "help me to release from my white-knuckle grasp those things which I think I deserve, those things I think I must have, but which You, in your wisdom, have withheld from me. Things like respect and thoughtful consideration. Let me instead graciously receive what you deem necessary for me at this moment, even if it is not what I would chose myself."

Amazingly, the prayer strategy that helped so much with my overwhelming ToDo list - that same prayer strategy transformed tears and emotional turmoil that Sunday evening into inner peace and assurance.

I will not check everything off my ToDo list today. That's okay. I may not be heard or valued or respected. That's okay, too.

I have given my ToDo list and my personal desires to God: He knows exactly how best to manage them.

TEN THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR TODAY (10/8/2016)

In no particular order, here are ten things I am thankful for today:

1. Sunshine and cooler temperatures.
2. Morning coffee and time to read my Bible on the front porch swing.
3. I have gas in the van and groceries for the week ahead.
4. Helen and I knocked out some overdue schoolwork this morning - woohoo!
5. My wonderful next-door neighbors.
6. Dennis, Justin, Abby, and Carly - because you love my children well, and because you are awesome people.
7. Geneva, Lizzy, Felix, Jules, and Baby P - blessings upon blessings!
8. Opportunities to write - not just for myself, but for others, too.
9. The encouragement and support of my children - Wow. Just, Wow.
10. Friends and family who have crossed over to Glory, whose memories tug my heart toward home.

TAG! It's your turn now - what are you thankful for today?

A BROKEN PENCIL

My youngest is studying personal finance this year in school. Before we talk about how to make a budget or reasons to start saving now, we are reading Randy Alcorn's book, Managing God's Money. This is my third or fourth time to read Randy's small volume on stewardship, and I am thankful for the opportunity to consider once again the biblical principles of money management which he presents.

After we both read a particular chapter, I ask Helen, "What jumped out at you? What is your takeaway? What from this chapter do you think will stick with you on into the future?"

From Chapter Two, Ownership: It All Belongs to God, my personal takeaway is the image of a broken pencil.

Mr. Alcorn writes:

"When teaching from 1 Corinthians 6 - 'You are not your own; you were bought at a price' (NIV) - I occasionally ask someone in the front row to lend me her pencil. When she hands it to me, I break it in half, throw it on the floor, and crush it under my foot. The reaction of the students is shock and disbelief. What right do I have to break someone else's pencil? When I explain that it's really my pencil, which I planted before the session, everything changes. If it belongs to me, I have the right to do with it what I want.

"Many of our problems begin when we forget that God is the boss of the universe. But in fact he is more than the boss; he is the owner. I might resent a powerful person for taking control, but everything changes if I realize he owns everything, and therefore, he has the right to do what he chooses."

If the pencil is Mr. Alcorn's pencil, he is free to do with it what he chooses. If he wants to break it in two and smash it underfoot, I have no grounds to object.

And if all "my" stuff is really God's stuff (which it is), then God is free to do with "my" stuff what He chooses. If I myself am God's (which I am - He created and sustains me), then God is even free to do with me whatever He pleases.

Understanding this truth - that it all belongs to God - has immediate, great-big-huge implications for my life. For example...

The day after rereading chapter 2 of Managing God's Money, I was driving down the road and my van died. It does this randomly, and it always stresses me out. But on this particular day, as I shifted into Park so that I could try to restart the van, I thought to myself: "Everything I have really belongs to God. This is God's van. He can do with it whatever He wants. And if He wants this van to die right now, right here, that's his prerogative. He is free to do whatever He chooses."

It was amazing how that thought transformed a normally stressful situation into a not-very-stressful-at-all inconvenience.

There were big, ugly, nasty things going on at the Kendall house last night. So, on top of the mile-long ToDo list I was anticipating this morning, I have also been washing lots of bedding, cleaning floors, and swishing a copious amounts of Clorox around. Yeah.

I was up before 5:00 this morning (actually, I was up most of the night, just not up and dressed and ready for work). As I surveyed the work ahead of me, I really had no idea where to begin. Before the sun came up, my day was already a disaster!

My day. Only, today is not my day: today is God's day. My time is not my own: it is God's. And God is free to do with my day and with my time whatever He wants. Even if it is not what I had planned for myself. Even if it means I never get around to the things on my Thursday ToDo list.

The challenge I face today is not how to make the best use of my time, but how to be the best steward possible of God's time, of the time God has entrusted to me to use for his Kingdom work.

It is amazing how that thought transformed a potentially stressful situation into a wonderful opportunity.

When I acknowledge God's ownership of everything in my life - my van, my time, my writing, my refrigerator, my school calendar, my children, my dreams, my everything - when I acknowledge God's ownership of everything in my life, I am free to loosen my tightfisted grip on personal expectations and desires, free instead to look for God's good purposes in the circumstances of my life.

My life? No, that belongs to Him, too.

It's all His, and He can do with it whatever He pleases.

Amazing how that thought transforms stress into peace.

PRAYING WITH OPEN HANDS

We all have more demands on our time each day than we can possibly hope to meet. I get out of bed each morning knowing that I am not going to get everything on my ToDo list checked off before I crawl back into to bed at the end of the day.

How can I choose wisely what to do today, and what to leave undone? And at the end of each day, how can I be free from worrying about all the things I didn't get around to?!

The Bible tells us in James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it [wisdom] will be given to him." Those are encouraging words for this oftentimes overwhelmed mom!

This verse tells me that God is the source of wisdom. It also assures me that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask for it, and that He doesn't reproach me when I acknowledge me need for his help. I can never ask God for wisdom too many times. I can never ask for too much. God is the source of all wisdom, and He is able and willing to meet my need.

So what does this have to do with my mile-long ToDo list?

One of the first things I pray each morning is for God to give me the wisdom to know what to do and what to leave undone. I ask him to help me choose wisely what things to make a priority. I also ask him for grace to let go of things I will not be able to accomplish.

As I pray, I picture an open hand, palm up. My prayer is for God to put into my open hand the tasks He wants me to work on, and for Him to remove from my hand those things that are not his will for me that day. I also pray that I will not be tight-fisted - that I will not insist on MY ToDo list while neglecting God's priorities for me.

This "open hand" prayer does not mean I accomplish everything on my ToDo list each day. However, it does mean that, trusting God's wisdom, I can climb into bed at night without suffocating under a mountain of guilt for the Undone.

This "open hand" prayer is something I have practiced for several months now. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new application for this prayer.

Sunday evening, a group gathered around the table had a rather animated and emotionally intense conversation concerning a topic about which we all held strong opinions. I left the table that evening feeling bruised and discouraged because I didn't think anyone else had listened to or seriously considered my thoughts on the subject. My input into the conversation had been ridiculed and then dismissed.

I climbed into bed with a heavy heart. "God," I prayed, "I want to be heard and listened to, but I have been ignored. I want my input to be respected and thoughtfully considered, but instead I have been dismissed." I was well on my way to a full-blown pity party when my morning-prayer image of the open hand popped into my mind.

I want to be heard, listened to, respected - these were things I was grasping tightly inside my balled fists. These were things I did not want to let go of, things I did not want to give up.

Then I considered my sweet Savior. He, of all people, should have been respected...but He was reviled. He, of all people, should have been listened to, but He was ignored. His opinions, of all opinions, should have been highly considered, but they were dismissed.

And He was content to be disrespected, ignored, dismissed...for my sake.

My "open hand" prayer took on a whole new meaning. "Lord," I prayed, "help me to release from my white-knuckle grasp those things which I think I deserve, those things I think I must have, but which You, in your wisdom, have withheld from me. Things like respect and thoughtful consideration. Let me instead graciously receive what you deem necessary for me at this moment, even if it is not what I would chose myself."

Amazingly, the prayer strategy that helped so much with my overwhelming ToDo list - that same prayer strategy transformed tears and emotional turmoil that Sunday evening into inner peace and assurance.

I will not check everything off my ToDo list today. That's okay. I may not be heard or valued or respected. That's okay, too.

I have given my ToDo list and my personal desires to God: He knows exactly how best to manage them.

I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET

I do not want to forget.

Helen and I were heading home after running errands in town one day last week. As we pulled out of the Wal-Mart parking lot, she asked, "So, what are you thinking right now?" This is one of Helen's favorite questions.

"I was thinking," I answered, "that, if I am ever successful as a writer...financially successful...I want to throw a really nice party for the cashiers at Wal-Mart."

When I worked at Wal-Mart, we called the shift from 5:00-11:00 pm "the crap shift" - a crude term, but accurate. All the customers are tired and crabby and in a hurry to get home. All the cashiers are working their second jobs, and they are also tired, crabby, and wishing they could get home.

Wal-Mart at 1:30 pm on Monday is one kind of store. Wal-Mart at 2:30 am on Tuesday is another kind of store. Wal-Mart at 6:30 pm Friday is different kind of store altogether, and it is definitely not the place you want most to be.

During my short stint at Wal-Mart, I learned a few things about the cashiers who work the crap shift. Many of them are coming straight from their minimum-wage day jobs, or they are stepping into the register after a full day of classes at the university. This evening job is their second job, the one they work to just-not-quite make ends meet.

They finished pulling a 9-to-5, and now they are pulling a 5-to-11. Tomorrow, they will do it all again. They are tired and struggling financially, and yet they are some of the kindest, most encouraging people I have met.

They work part-time, so they don't rate many company benefits. They work evenings, so they get the picked over, cold left-overs when the store provides a thank-you lunch in the employee break room.

They negotiate the twilight zone between the day manager and how he wants things done, and the night manager and how he wants things done - it's a bit of a tightrope, figuring out who's in charge at the moment and which protocol to follow.

They process a crush of customers, with their problems and returns and price challenges, just as the Customer Service Desk closes for the night.

There is not much that is very nice about being a crap-shift cashier.

So - that day when Helen asked - I was thinking, "I don't want to forget how hard that was, working evenings at Wal-Mart. I don't want to forget how tired I felt all the time. I don't want to forget the despair I encountered when, working so hard and feeling so weary, I barely had enough money at the end of the week to pay for gas in the van so that I could drive back to work the next day, and the next."

I was thinking, "I don't want to forget how kind my coworkers were, even though they were often exhausted and discouraged, too. I don't want to forget how under-appreciated they all were - by customers, by their supervisors, by the time-clock at headquarters."

I was thinking, "God, please don't let me forget. Don't let time and distance and ease make me forget. Help me to remember, and to be grateful. Help me to remember, and to say Thank You to the woman behind the register."

I was in a crabby mood this morning because I have to put off grocery shopping for another week, and even then, I will probably have to choose between shopping for cleaning supplies and healthcare products or canned goods and produce. I am tired of having to decide whether laundry soap and toilet paper are more pressing needs than potatoes and eggs.

But then I remembered...

I have enough gas in the van to last the rest of the week. We have milk and bread; we have shampoo and dish soap, too. And, I am not scheduled to work the crap shift at Wal-Mart tonight. Thank you, Jesus!

I forgot to be grateful.
God, please don't let me forget.

But then I remembered.
God, help me remember to say Thank You.

And when I finally do make another grocery run...
Lord, remind me to encourage the woman behind the register. Remind me to tell her how much I appreciate her service.

THANKFUL...TODAY!

"What if you woke up tomorrow with only the blessings for which you thanked God today?"

This is a paraphrase of a question my mom shared from a Bible study she was preparing for last week.

Consider this question another way: What blessings do I enjoy today that I would be sad to do without tomorrow? What am I thankful for today that I would like to continue to enjoy tomorrow?

After I got off the phone with Mom last week, my mind raced through a list of blessings for which I am VERY grateful: names of particular people, necessities and creature comforts, life experiences and lessons learned. I quickly realized that, were I to try to name all the things for which I am thankful, I would run out of day before I ran out of blessings!

In my current journey through the Bible, I read Psalm 50 this morning. This Psalm begins with a reflection on the beauty and majesty of God. Next, it issues a call for God's covenant people to gather before him. Then, startlingly, it speaks of God's rebuke and judgment - not of unbelievers or of those who reject God, but of God's "faithful ones" (v. 5), those of whom God says, "I am God, your God" (v. 7).

As God confronts his "faithful ones" in this passage, why is He described as "a devouring fire" and a "mighty tempest" (v. 3)? Why is God angry? What is God's charge against his people?

Their great offense against God was:  they were not thankful.

God rebukes his people for their ingratitude, and He commands them:  "Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me" (vv. 14-15).

Now, I want to protest, to say that God has put the cart before the horse, so to speak:  Give thanks...and God will deliver me? Shouldn't that read:  If God delivers me, then I will give thanks?

Next, the passage goes on to contrast those who are grateful with those who hate discipline and who speak evil. Ingratitude puts a person squarely in the camp of the wicked, among those who hate God and whom God himself hates.

Again, I want to protest:  Is ingratitude really that big of a deal?!! There are so many sins that are so much worse!!!

But I am not God, and God's thoughts are not like mine:  "...you thought that I was one like yourself. But now I rebuke you and lay the charge before you" (v. 21).

Ouch! My thinking is WRONG. I must correct it, must align my thinking with God's Word. Ingratitude IS a big deal:  it is an offense against a holy God, and justly deserves his wrath.

God's Word teaches that thanksgiving precedes deliverance. If I stubbornly refuse to thank God for his goodness and for his goodness to me, even in the face of trials and suffering, then I cannot expect God to deliver me "in the day of trouble."

(This brings to mind Jesus, who, on the night He was betrayed, gave thanks - before his arrest, and the flogging, and the crucifixion. He gave thanks - and He walked obediently into all that suffering - and God delivered him, and through him, God was glorified!)

Psalm 50 ends with a strong warning: "Mark this, then, you who forget God, lest I tear you apart, and there be none to deliver! The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly, I will show the salvation of God." (vv. 22-23)

I don't know about you, but I want to order my way rightly.

I want to give thanks, TODAY.

POWERBALL

A group of folks gathered for a community dinner Monday evening were talking about what they would do with the money if they won the latest Powerball jackpot. I knew I wouldn't be the next winner, since I don't buy Powerball tickets, but it was still interesting to hear what these other people dreamed about doing, if only...

What was the final Powerball jackpot total? One-point-something billion? I can't even think in numbers that large. I don't think anyone really can, except maybe a U.S. President or Congressman, or an evolutionary theorist, or an astrophysicist.

I was driving home from an awesome yoga class this morning and I was thinking how traumatic it would be to suddenly be responsible for such an astronomical amount of money.

I have my brain wrapped around the tasks I need to accomplish today - clean the bathrooms, shop for groceries, run Helen to piano lessons, read several pages in geography. The sun is shining, and I am looking forward to the day ahead and to checking things off my ToDo list.

This P.B. winner, on the other hand, whoever it is, has had their entire day - week, year, life - suddenly turned upside down. What do they need to do first? Next? Next week?

Tonight, I will sleep in my bed, relatively free of worry or stress, with no fear of con men, grasping relatives, or thieves. I have little - but I also have little to fear.

I can only imagine that this P.B. winner, after the initial thrill passes, will have a thousand-thousand worries and fears to negotiate.

Anyway, back to the group gathered for dinner on Monday evening...

It kind of amazes me how generous we all are with money we don't actually have. We spend potential money generously - donations to charities, trust funds for grandkids, church building programs, humanitarian aid, etc. We spend "someone else's" money with equal ease. (Perhaps this is why Presidents and Congressmen can speak the word "billion" so casually?)

But what about the financial resources we actually do have? Are we as generous with those funds?

Personally, I don't have to do the hard work of figuring out how to divide billions of dollars between family members, trust funds, business investments, missions organizations, and local and international social enterprises.

What I do have to do is the hard work of figuring out how to most wisely use the $50 I made last week selling books.

It's such a small amount - $50. So small that I am inclined to think the best thing to do is to hold onto it tightly. Keep it to myself. Bury it in the ground, so to speak, until the Master of the house returns.

I suppose it might be easy to be generous with a billion dollars to spend. But with only $50, I must be tightfisted, grasping, protective.

Except that, I strongly suspect that if I am ungenerous with $50, I would probably also be ungenerous with a billion.

I don't want to live my life speculating about what I would do with a boatload of money, if only...

I want to do something harder.

Forget the Powerball lottery. I'm truly not interested in winning some ginormous jackpot.

No, I want to know real power, the power of living with open hands now - with the resources that have actually been entrusted to me.

GOOD INTENTIONS, REALITY CHECK, AND PERSPECTIVE

Today was the first Monday of the New Year. With a well-thought-out set of goals for the year ahead, I was eager to make this first work-day of 2016 super productive.

I got a good night's sleep last night. I woke up this morning well-rested and uber motivated for:

• Exercise class at 7:30.
• Return home to shower, change and eat breakfast; then, take advantage of a small window of time before a mid-morning dental appointment to answer email and work on a short writing assignment.
• Dentist appointment in town, followed by a few errands on the way home.
• Home by noon to work on additional writing projects and spend time preparing for a speaking engagement tomorrow...

Instead, today turned out something like this:

• Van completely dead; missed exercise class.
• Changed out of my stretchy pants, ate breakfast, and sat down at the computer to tackle email. Internet wasn't working, so scratch email.
• Recruited young son to help jump off the van so that I could drive to dental appointment. Unsuccessful. Borrowed son's car; arrived late to dental appointment.
• Never mind writing projects and preparations for speaking engagements - I needed to try to figure out what was going on with the van so that I could actually get to said engagement...

I began the day with good intentions. Honestly. But then life happened.

I imagine that there are golden people in this world, people who make plans and then accomplish them. People who consistently check off everything on their daily To-Do lists.

I am not one of those people.

Not because I don't want to be, or because I don't plan, or because I don't try...but because life happens. And my life happens to be rather messy.

So, while I was lying in the dental chair letting Hope poke around in my mouth (how ironic that the technician who cleaned my teeth was named Hope!), I really wanted to be angry about how terribly Not Right my day was going.

But...

My dentist has one of those open office floor plans. No closed doors. So, all us patients are just back there together, humbly submitting to group dental hygiene. Not much privacy, and not a place to be overly self-conscious. While I was in one chair receiving the ministrations of Hope, next to me was...

An elderly man. A disabled elderly man, who came in using a walker and who had a canister of oxygen to help him breathe.

I was hoping that I wouldn't have any cavities. I can't afford to pay to have a cavity filled right now.

My neighbor, he had painful, infected gums, and he was hoping he could have his remaining teeth pulled. No, he didn't want dentures. He couldn't afford dentures. He just wanted relief from the constant pain. "Sometimes," he said, "life is so hard, it just makes you feel like giving up." He left with a prescription for antibiotics and an appointment to see an oral surgeon.

This gentleman gave me a new perspective, got me over my grumbling discontent. I wish I could have given him something valuable in return.

I had a good check up:  no cavities, yay!

I still don't know what is wrong with the van. No exercise class tomorrow, but my daughter offered to drive me to the speaking engagement in North Mississippi.

The internet is working. I have caught up on email, worked a little here at the blog, and submitted a newspaper article for next week's "Homeschool View" column.

I am so appalled at my ingratitude. At how easily I become frustrated. At how grossly I inflate the importance of my plans, my comfort, my needs.

I am so thankful that God meets me where I am, humbles me, bumps me out of the stew pot of self-pity, grants me contrition and hope and a new perspective.

WRITING AND FINANCES, PART 2

Yesterday, I wrote about my personal financial goals my first year as a paid writer and how that first year worked out for me. I encouraged you other budding writers out there to set thoughtful personal financial goals (it's okay if they are small!) and to make giving a part of your plan.

To recap:  Year One, I published a book and a few magazine articles and had a few speaking engagements. I met my goals of tithing and buying Christmas gifts for my kids, covered all my book-business expenses (transportation, marketing, etc.), bought gas and groceries a few times when household funds ran low, and ended the year with about $200 in the bank. According to my economic philosophy, that was success.

Today, I want to continue Camille's Squirrelly Address on Financial Aspects of Being a Writer by telling you about Year Two in my writing-for-pay adventure. This part of my story may sound like somewhat of an upside-down tale, but for me, it has been an exciting journey.

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was challenged by a friend who lived a lifestyle of generous giving. She had lots of money at her disposal, so of course, she could give lots of it away. I admired her generosity and wondered:  if I ever had the resources, could I follow her example?

We all know people who, no matter how much money they make, never seem to have enough. But my friend, unlike these other folks, consistently and deliberately practiced the discipline of living on only a fraction of her available income and of being content with that smaller portion. Her philosophy was not "How much more can I afford to buy/spend/live on if I have a bigger paycheck?" - but - "How much more can I give away to support Kingdom work/ministry?"

Just on the off chance that I might someday strike it rich, I asked my friend for advice on the discipline of giving. First, she encouraged me not to wait until I struck it rich, but to develop a habit of giving from whatever small portion I might be allotted. Her advice was something like this:  "If you have a little, give a little. If you have a lot, give a lot. If you wait until you have 'extra' to give, if you give only out of what you have left over, you will never feel like you have enough and you will never give in a meaningful way. Give from the beginning, even if it's only a small amount."

Second, my friend encouraged me to research ministries I wanted to support, to invest in ministries with which I had a personal tie and with which I could maintain ongoing personal relationships.

Those conversations about deliberate giving happened several years ago, so I've had plenty of time to meditate on my friend's advice. When I published Book 1, I did not have dreams of Grand Income and Grand Giving. I had modest expectations and I set modest goals. God very graciously allowed me to realize those expectations and to meet those goals. Nothing big...I was taking baby steps. But still, I ended Year One excited about the year ahead.

Year Two, I published Book 2 and a few more articles, and I had a few speaking engagements. Maybe Year Two would be the year I made the Big Time? Maybe?! Just in case, I began researching ministries in which I might want to invest.

I continued to tithe. I set aside a little now and then for Christmas gifts for my kids. I started saving up to have my website (hopefully!) revamped by a professional. And, after quite a bit of research and prayer, I had a list of three ministries that I knew I wanted to support...when I was making more money, of course.

Half-way through Year Two, however, I had saved only a fraction of the amount budgeted for the website revamp, and I felt like Big Giving (or, in my case, Not-so-Big-But-Still-Very-Exciting Giving) was never going to be a reality.

I was selling books, but I felt like a hamster on a wheel. No matter how many books I sold, it would never amount to much:  whatever money I earned would need to go right back into the book business, so that I could hopefully sell more books, so that I could spend more on marketing, so that I could sell more books, etc. I realized that there would never be any extra left over from my little writing enterprise to devote to things of eternal value.

I was enjoying writing. I was selling books. But I felt discouraged. I prayed for the three ministries I wanted to support financially, and I asked God week after week, "When will I be able to give?!!"

Well, after several frustrating weeks, God answered my prayer. He simply said, "Now."

No, book sales did not increase dramatically. No, I did not get an offer for a Tatum County movie contract. Rather, I simply remembered my friend's advice from years ago:  "If you wait until you have 'extra' to give, if you give only out of what you have left over, you will never feel like you have enough and you will never give in a meaningful way." In waiting until I had 'enough left over' to give, I discovered the paradox that enough...never is.

The challenge I faced was not having enough to give, but caring enough to give out of what little I did have. God didn't give me a lot of money, and He wasn't calling me to be faithful with a lot of money. Rather, He gave me a little bit of income and then challenged me to be faithful with that little bit.

In a peculiar, round-a-bout way, I became aware of pressing needs of one of the particular ministries for which I had been praying and which I desired to one day support. Was this God urging me to step out in faith? If I committed to supporting this ministry, would I be able to stay faithful to that commitment? What if my book sales dropped? What would I do then?

I spent a day wrestling through these and other questions. Surely it was not time to expand giving yet, not on the little income trickling into my book account. But I came back over and over to one question:  "If not now, when?"

I took a deep breath and stepped off the hamster wheel.

I wrote a letter to the ministry - the first one on my list - and explained my situation and that I wanted to commit to supporting their work with a certain amount each month. It wasn't a huge amount, but it seemed huge by my economic standards. I enclosed my first payment in the letter, and, with trembling hands, put the envelope in the mailbox.

I was more than a little scared. I was even more excited. Is this what it feels like, walking by faith?

After nervously mailing the letter, I sat down in the kitchen with my writing-business record books. I had enough money in the bank to meet this new financial commitment for several months (the website revamp could just wait), but then what? How could I be sure I would have the funds needed to continue to support this ministry?

If I wanted to honor my financial commitment, I needed to sell books, plain and simple. Marketing is not my favorite aspect of this business - I'd rather just write! But, with a new reason for wanting to sell books, I resolved that afternoon to try to schedule at  least two book events each month. Book fairs, speaking engagements, book-signings - I needed to get out and pound the pavement!

And this is where the story of Year Two gets really interesting....

I already had two book events scheduled for July and one event for August. Before the end of the week, I was asked to speak at a second event in August and I received an out-of-the-blue invitation to address a civic organization in September. Then came an email asking me to give a writing workshop at an out-of-town library and the opportunity for an interview on a talk-radio program.

Since mailing that letter back on the first day of July, I have consistently had at least two book or speaking events each month - and, amazingly, most of these opportunities have come to me without my even looking for them!

Thankfully - hallelujah! - I have been able to consistently support a ministry that is dear to my heart.

At the end of Year Two of being a paid writer, I have around $200 in my book account, about the same as at the end of Year One. Doesn't look like I'm making much progress financially, does it?

But, I have met my goals:  I have been able to support my awesome church through tithing, I'm wrapping gifts for each of my kids this Christmas, I bought groceries and gas a couple of times when household funds ran short, AND I have given to a ministry that I love in a way I wouldn't have thought possible only a year ago.

God has not given me a late model vehicle or a new wardrobe or a big movie deal, but He has given me something better:  through my little writing business, He has given me an opportunity to be a blessing in some small way to someone else.

I am totally stoked! And I am super excited about Year Three!!!