SUNDAY WALK

Quiz for my children: Where was this picture taken?

Warmer temperatures and longer daylight inspired me to get out and walk back on the farm this weekend. Yesterday, I visited the Robinhood tree, the Great Hall, and the Cowboy hideout. This afternoon, I took a different path and hiked the Three Sisters, The Giant's Thimble, and Narnia. The ponds are full to overflowing, the creeks riotous with snow melt.  It felt wonderful to breathe deeply cool air that smelled of thawing earth, rotting leaves, and sunshine. 

I used to walk the perimeter of this farm almost daily. That was before nursing school ate my soul and before Granddaddy became unable to maintain the fields due to declining health. My daily walk was thwarted by waist-high weeds and brambles and the threat of snakes and chiggers.

Granddad has been dead for three years this June, and I probably haven't walked my favorite paths in over five years. It's sad how a farm slides into disrepair with neglect, just like an abandoned, derelict house. Still, the farm is beautiful.

* * * * *

At the recommendation of a friend, I am listening to the audio version of Jordan Peterson's "12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos." Regardless of what you might think about Peterson, this book contains quite a bit of very practical, helpful advice. In the chapter on Rule 2 - "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of." - Peterson challenges the reader/listener to think of one thing he or she can do to make today better than yesterday, then do it. It doesn't have to be something big - small is fine.

Today, in the face of a personal disappointment, instead of feeling sorry for myself or wallowing in defeat or sliding into depression, I did one small thing to make my life better: I took a long walk back on the farm.

And that one choice made today very, very good.

BOUNDARIES

Good fences make good neighbors.

According to dictionary.com, this familiar saying means: "Good neighbors respect one another's property. Good farmers, for example, maintain their fences in order to keep their livestock from wandering onto neighboring farms."

Perhaps a contemporary rendition of the above adage would be: Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships.

I am really crappy at setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. I frequently feel torn between two options: taking care of the people around me or taking care of myself. I know in my head that I need to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of  others, but I often feel like I'm in an either-or, crisis situation, like choosing to help one must come at the cost of harming the other.

I hate conflict. 

I hate lose-lose situations.

I hate making decisions when choosing A comes at the expense of not choosing B.

Among the various assignments my therapist has given me over the past couple of months, two in particular are: (1) look for opportunities to practice being more assertive and (2) determine what your boundaries are and try to stick to them.

"I know this is going to be really hard for you at first," she acknowledged, "but it will get easier with practice. I promise."

I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy.

Sometimes, that simply isn't possible.

I was put in the difficult position recently of having to choose between honoring my personal boundaries - boundaries essential for my own physical and mental well-being - or compromising my boundaries for someone else's benefit. To be more precise, I wasn't just "put in a difficult position" - I was actively pressured to violate my boundaries. To make things even more challenging and stressful, the other person involved was someone I truly care for. I felt like I was forced into a choice between hurting myself or hurting a friend.

* * *

We are going to pause here to take a detour. Before I tell you the outcome of my dilemma - and the choice I made - I want to describe the tumult of emotions this situation elicited in me.

I felt anxious, stressed, frustrated. Do I choose A or do I choose B? A or B? What's it gonna be, Camille? Make a decision, Camille. You need to decide what you're going to do, NOW!

I felt sad and I felt guilty. Sad because either choice would result in hurting someone I cared about. Guilty because no matter what I decided, it would be WRONG.

I felt afraid. Whatever I decided, what would others think? Would they be critical? Would they talk bad about me? Would there be negative push-back?

I felt angry. I was angry that I been put in this situation at all, angry that I was being forced to make a decision that should have never been put to me in the first place. Angry that phrases like "team player" and "it's part of the job" and "Well, somebody's gotta do it!" had been carelessly lobbed my direction and impacted like nuclear warheads.

I appealed for an outside opinion, for a hearing from an impartial court. I messaged my therapist. I messaged three women whose wisdom I deeply respect.

No response.

I cried. Had a full-blown, snot-nosed fall-apart.

Please, God, what am I supposed to do?!

Still no replies.

God was going to make me fight this battle on my own.

* * *

Detour over.

I chose A.

I chose to honor my personal boundaries.

I chose to say, "No, I will not ----. I am truly sorry this makes things harder for ----, but, as much as I want to help, that is not my problem."

And then, I threw up.

* * *

The Rest of the Story

Afterward, I felt emotionally and physically like a limp, dirty, stinking dishrag.

But I also felt incredibly calm.

And - I don't really know how to put this - I felt strangely solid. Like I was more of a real person than I had been in a long, long time.

Ding!

Too late to influence my decision, I received a reply from one of the Wise Women I had texted. I touched the screen on my car's console, and Siri read aloud:

"Hold your boundaries. Have the humility to respect your boundaries and needs and recognize when you can't fix an insufficient system even though its failures have real impact. Self sacrifice to the point of burnout may make today easier for ---, but it's a pattern that is just gonna feed into and prolong an unhealthy situation...the more you do to [make up for deficiencies in the system], the more it helps push the need for actual change down the road."

God had not left me to fight that battle alone at all. He had been there the whole time, watching his frail child struggle to use new muscles, like a father watching a toddler take her very first legs-trembling steps. Once that scary first step had been taken, He rushed in to say, "You did it! Good work!"

I took a deep breath. I could truly say, "It is well with my soul."

My therapist assures me this will get easier with practice. I sure hope she's right.