THANK YOU

Over a decade ago, a friend gave me a copy of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Thus began my journey of recording daily small gifts to develop and strengthen the discipline of gratitude.

As I engaged with Ann's book all those years ago, I wrote this: "Ann began a study of prayers of thankfulness in Scripture. What she found surprised her. Prayers of sincere gratitude were often recorded in the midst of - or just preceding - great trial or distress. This puzzled her. Ann's study - and her resolution to fill a notebook with '1,000 gifts' - led her to discover that she had been understanding joy backwards. She had thought that joy came first, that true gratitude and thankfulness to God were based on, were the fruit of, his tangible blessings in this world. On the contrary, Ann found that it is thankfulness that produces joy." (You can read an ancient post about "One Thousand Gifts" HERE.)

Fast forward, oh, five or six years. Another friend gifted me blank journal and challenged me to "write down five things each day you are thankful for." I already had a "thankful notebook," so I decided to use the new journal to record instances of the clear hand of God in my daily life.

Things like a flat tire on a busy four-lane highway, a prayer for help, and the immediate arrival of a family member - "I thought that looked like you!" - who cheerfully changed the tire in less than 15 minutes.

Things like a fearful plea that God would get me safely to my destination on my first-ever solo international flight, which required changing planes in a foreign country - and the young man who sat in front of me on the airplane leaving Chicago, who, after brief conversation, exclaimed, "Oh, I am going to Kigali, too! We have the same connecting flight in Brussels. Stay with me, Auntie, and I will get you exactly where you need to be!" His name was Immanuel.

Ten+ years after reading One Thousand Gifts, I no longer log small gifts daily into a spiral notebook, and that first journal documenting God's interventions and provision is tucked between other journals on a shelf. Thankfulness today has become much more a way of thinking than an exercise with pen and paper.

I am a morning person, typically waking long before my alarm sounds as the sky fades from black to deep indigo. Used to, my first thought of the day was worry as cares of the coming day crashed in on me before my eyes were even fully open. Nowadays, my first thought is usually, "Thank you."

Thank you, Father, for the glittering morning star.

Thank you for light rising on the eastern horizon.

Thank you for this quiet moment before the day begins.

Thank you for the Carolina Wren singing outside my window.

"Thank you" has become a morning routine, a habit. It's just what happens when I wake up.

And for that, I am so very thankful indeed.

* * * * *

"Thank you" - these are literally the first words that pop into my mind when I wake up most mornings. (Oh, to be clear, I will have much less pleasant thoughts as the day progresses, but the day really does typically start with "Thank you.")

About a month ago, something very weird happened: I woke to an entirely different thought. Thank you has become so "normal" that when this different phrase popped into my slowly waking mind, it startled me.

I blinked. I looked around the room, wondering if someone else had spoken, but no one was there. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Again, clear as wren song: "I love you."

I hardly dared to breathe. Who had spoken? Where had this come from?

I never figured out if "I love you" was spoken from my heart to God - I do love him - or if it was spoken from my Father to me, but I eventually decided to settle on the latter. Perhaps it was both.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

PORCH SWING

When the sun drops behind newly-leafed trees on the western horizon, day shifts hard from almost-too-hot to a-bit-too-cool. Shivering, I retrieve a sweater and a cup of hot tea. Evening chill, you may NOT drive me inside!

I am reluctant to abandon my spot on the porch swing.

God is present everywhere - barnyard, highway, grocery check-out line, woodland walk, hospital room, laundry mat, dental chair, church sanctuary...

But on the porch swing on a cool evening, with the birds singing riotous praise as sunlight fades to softer gold across the hay field, the veil is so thin I can almost hear Him breathe.

THE BEST KIND OF FRIENDS

Bathed in prayer.

That's about the best way I can think to describe the past several months of my life.

Just over two years ago, a couple of friends and I began meeting together every other week to pray for one another. There is something incredibly soul-strengthening about hearing a sister pray your name out loud to the Father. Those coffee shop prayer meetings have been life-changing for me.

Praying friends are the best kind of friends.

Recent posts here at the blog have been about my journey to return to school to pursue a degree in nursing. Every single step of that journey has been prayed over by sisters who know and love me well. Week after week, they have taken my questions, doubts and struggles straight to the throne room of God; week after week, we have rejoiced together at the amazing way God has answered those prayers.

But last time we met, it wasn't the prayers for my family or prayers about school or work that touched my heart the deepest. It was a prayer that I had not even requested:

"God, as she is busy with the demands of work and school and family, please give Camille time in her schedule to write."

This friend understands how important writing is to me and has often encouraged me to develop and use this gift. I haven't mentioned my writing in months at our little prayer meetings - too preoccupied with more pressing matters - but my faithful friend has not forgotten. Her unsolicited prayer assured me that God has not forgotten either.

Praying friends...these are the best kind of friends.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. - Matthew 18:20

UNDONE

Because He's still here and still listening...
(and because I haven't had time or brain energy to do much writing lately!)

UNDONE
(originally posted June 3, 2015)

Two thirty a.m. and I'm lying awake (something related to menopause, I think), looking out the window at the night sky and the fireflies blinking on and off in the hay field. The house is quiet and the bed is oh-so-comfortable. This is one of my very favorite times to pray...

I am grateful that God is awake and listening at 2:30 in the morning. I am touched that He makes a quiet, dark, beautiful place to meet with me. I am astounded that the same God who holds the enormous, flaming, far-away stars in the night sky condescends to slip into a messy bedroom in a rural farmhouse for an hour of intimate conversation.

I pray for my kids, and my grandkids. For my church and my church family (King and Virginia, you are my special people today!) and for folks on the other side of the sea. For things heavy on my heart and my mind. Eventually, I drift off to sleep again, encouraged and strengthened with the confidence that God is near, and that He is sovereign and good and He loves me very much.

A few hours later, I am sitting down at the kitchen counter with my first cup of coffee. No one else is up and stirring about yet, and the house is still and quiet. Let's see, where was I...flip, flip, flip...2 Chronicles. NOT my favorite book of the Bible, and yet, reading through a tedious list of names I can't begin to pronounce, I am once again reminded of God's faithfulness to his faithless children. Reminded of God's big, scary, dangerous, life-altering, never-tiring, ever-pursuing love. And I pray for my kids, and my grandkids...

Much later in the day, I am driving to town for a meeting, alone in a funky-smelling green mini-van that badly needs to be vacuumed, soaking up the warm sunshine that beams through the windshield. My thoughts turn to a young man - someone dear to me - who seemingly has no desire to know God, no interest in Jesus's great love for broken, sinful people like us, and I am saddened. "Father..." I need someone to talk to, someone to share this burden.

And then it occurs to me...

Lying in bed at two-dark-thirty in the morning, at the kitchen counter with a steaming cup of coffee, and now, driving down the four-lane toward Union City, this has all been one long on-going conversation. Interrupted by sleep and exercise class and cooking breakfast for the gang at home...interrupted, but never broken.

"God, you are still here! You are still listening!" We were picking up right where we had left off, before the pause to review Helen's math lesson and the conversation with Tom about what he is working on on the Ranchero, and my rush to get out the door on time.

Nobody on Earth meets me like that. Nobody on Earth listens like that. Nobody on Earth loves me like that.

Is it any wonder that I adore Him?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT WHEN GOD GETS ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS?

Trying to juggle all the things clamoring for my attention and energy during this new season of life, I have to fight to keep Bible reading, meditation and prayer part of my daily routine. It's a battle, but I am not giving up!

When my prayer group met this past Tuesday evening, my friend Sue prayed that God would provide time in my busy schedule for me to spend time in His Word and to pray.

If my prayer ladies pray for you, you'd better watch out!

I got into bed late Tuesday night after an awesome prayer session with my sisters. Exhausted from a long day of work, a late-night meeting and too-little-sleep the night before, I fell asleep thinking I would delay the next day's getting-up time by fifteen minutes.

Instead, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning.

Seriously, God? I thought when I rolled over and looked at the clock. Seriously?! Don't you think I deserve a little more sleep?!

Well, sleep was NOT going to happen, so I began to pray instead. An hour later, I stumbled to the shower to begin another long, exhausting day.

* * *

On my lunch break, I reviewed this week's memory verse for the Wednesday night Bible study at church: "But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified" (1 Corinthians 7:27).

We are working our way through The Pursuit of Holiness, by Jerry Bridges. The book is about personal holiness. About pursuing personal holiness, which is hard work. The discipline of personal holiness requires effort, perseverance and sacrifice.

Because of our sin nature, we are not naturally inclined to holiness. The world distracts us and lures us away from holiness. Satan opposes our growth in holiness in too many ways to count, and he is subtle, persistent and ruthless.

As folks drifted in for the study that evening, my friend Dana asked how I was doing.

"I'm still adjusting to this new work schedule," I replied. "Plus, I was up really late last night, and I hoped to sleep in a little bit this morning, but then it was like God woke me up - wide awake - at 4:00 this morning and wouldn't let me go back to sleep because He thought I should be praying. I am SO TIRED!" I went on to relate my struggle to keep Bible study and prayer a priority during this new season of life, and to describe how this week's chapter had been particularly challenging and convicting for me.

We began the lesson Wednesday evening by taking turns reading through all the verses referenced in this week's study. The verse that fell to me? The verse I got to read aloud to our group?

"But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!" (Romans 13:11-14, The Message).

By the time I finished reading the passage to the group, I was laughing. This is ridiculous! I thought. Can God be any more explicit?!

So, Sue and Brenda: God answers our prayers. (But we already knew that, didn't we?)

Thankfully, He has not waked me up at 4:00 every morning this week. He has, however, been all up in my business, and He has made sure I had ample time to spend with Him each day.

THE BEST WAY TO PRAY...IS TO PRAY

"I wonder how many of us really think about the power and privilege of prayer," the pastor said. My prayer sisters - one of whom sat three pews behind me that Sunday morning - immediately came to mind. "B--- does!" I thought. "And S---!"

For over a year and a half now, we have met every other week to pray for one another. These small coffee-shop prayer meetings have radically impacted my faith and my day-to-day life. We have seen God answer so many prayers, often in ways we could not have imagined beforehand. God's faithfulness has encouraged us to pray more, pray bigger, pray braver.

As we have prayed for and with one another, as we have wept together, laughed together, and truly wrestled - like Jacob - with God, God has knit our hearts and lives together. He has given us the courage to be honest, vulnerable, and broken, and the freedom to be ridiculously, ecstatically joyful.

Do you struggle with prayerlessness? Do you desire to be more prayerful? Let me encourage you to find a friend and simply ask: "Will you pray with me?"

Don't wait until you get your life together. Don't wait until you feel spiritual, or like less of an emotional disaster. Don't wait for somebody else to take the initiative.

Grab a friend TODAY and pray.

Then, meet and pray again.

And again.

Keep praying, and you will be blown away by the power, mercy, and goodness of God. He LOVES to answer prayer.

You'll not only want to pray more: you'll be moved to worship.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. - Matthew 18:20

DRAGON TALES

Is there any prayer too weighty or any prayer too light to lift up in faith to a loving Father?

I was tasked with preparing the children's sermon for Sunday morning. Bill would be preaching from Acts 11, on how a critical spirit robs us of joy, and how truth transforms a critical spirit into a joyful spirit, a spirit able to see and to celebrate God's goodness and grace.

Peter, in Acts 10, had been critical of non-Jews, unwilling to associate with them. God changed Peter's heart, and then, through Peter's obedience, brought Cornelius (a Roman centurion) and several other Gentiles into the family of God.

Peter returned to his Jewish friends in Jerusalem, eager to share the good news of how God was bringing even non-Jews to faith in Christ. Peter's Jewish friends, however, were more concerned that Peter had spent time with and eaten with "unclean" Gentiles. They responded to Peter's news not with joyful celebration, but with criticism. Like Peter, they needed God to change their hearts.

Reflecting on the events of Acts 10 and 11, I thought of Eustace Scrubb, the boy who because of dragonish thoughts in his heart, became an actual dragon (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis). Like Peter, and like Peter's friends in Jerusalem, Eustace had a critical spirit. He complained about everyone and everything, making himself and those around him miserable.

Eustace was a dragon long before he took on scales, claws, and leathery wings. His outward transformation simply reflected the inward condition of an already serpentine heart.

In order for Eustace to live - and to experience any measure of joy and contentment - he had to be un-dragoned. Just like Peter. Just like Peter's friends. Just like me.

And so, as I was praying and studying and thinking how best to present this lesson to young children, I thought, "I really wish I had a dragon to show the children, not a cute dragon but one that is fierce and dangerous, with sharp teeth and claws, one the children can see and touch."

I learned last week that dragons are very rare in Obion County. (Actually, dragons are everywhere here, but maybe because people are so desperate to deny these dragons exist, they refuse to keep even toy dragons around.) I looked everywhere I could think...no dragon.

Finally! I found a dragon, a perfect dragon - scaly, sharp-toothed, claws bared and outstretched - at Rural King in Martin. He was beautiful! He was also expensive, too expensive for my small budget, and definitely too expensive to justify for a one-Sunday-morning children's lesson. I returned the red dragon to the store display with a sigh. Maybe I could find another dragon elsewhere.

Saturday morning, still no dragon. And here is where my story gets fun...

I requested a book via inter-library loan at the OC library a couple of weeks ago. The book was expected to arrive a week ago last Wednesday. The book was not on my summer to-read list - I requested the book because it had been recommended by a dear friend.

The book took longer to arrive than expected. I received a call from the library on Friday - I could come pick up my book. "I can't make it to Union City today - may I pick it up tomorrow?"

"Absolutely! It will be waiting for you at the circulation desk."

Saturday morning, I drove to Union City for the book. "Lord," I prayed, "I know this is a ridiculous request, but could you please send me a dragon?" I thought perhaps Carolina, the children's librarian, might have a dragon. I would ask. "Please, Lord?"

Carolina wasn't at the library Saturday morning, and none of the other librarians knew of any dragons on the premises. I checked out my book and turned to leave.

Sign-up for youth soccer was at the library Saturday morning. I ran into my nephew and his young son. We exchanged greetings and hugs.

"You don't by any chance have a dragon, do you?"

"No, no, we don't have a dragon," my nephew grinned. He's accustomed to my strange questions.

I headed out the door. On the sidewalk out front, I met another nephew and his young son. (I'm from a large family.)

"Hi!"

"Hi! What are you doing here?"

We exchanged hugs. "You don't by any chance have a dragon, do you?" I ventured.

"Of course we have a dragon," Brian answered matter-of-factly. "Doesn't everybody?"

"No! I've been looking all over for one. Could I PLEASE borrow your dragon?!"

Brian turned to his young son. "Jack, may Aunt Camille borrow your dragon?"

Jack asked me a few questions: why did I want to borrow his dragon? how long would I want to keep it? would it be safe? He thought a moment. "Yes, you can borrow my dragon."

"We'll run it by your house this afternoon," Brian offered.

I drove home thanking and praising God. The Creator and Sustainer of the universe heard my silly little prayer and granted my request. It astounded me to think that weeks, even months before I had any desire for a toy dragon, God put wheels in motion to grant my request - the book loan, the delayed delivery, the summer soccer sign-up schedule, a "chance" meeting at the library.

Brain knocked on my door Saturday afternoon and delivered the dragon, the very same dragon, in fact, that I had found at Rural King earlier in the week. I had stood in Rural King, thinking how perfectly the dragon fit my purpose, and all the while, God had the same dragon waiting for me, in the care of my young grand-nephew.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was published in 1952, twelve years before I was born. I discovered this beautiful story - and Eustace Clarence Scrubb - when I was a child, then rediscovered it when I had children of my own. God brought this story to mind again, last week, as I prepared Sunday's lesson.

Who knows how long ago a worker at a toy factory in Germany molded and painted Jack's small dragon. Who knows the intricate path this dragon traveled, across an ocean, to a toy store somewhere in America, to my little nephew.

To me.

Just the right place, at just the right time.

Thank you, Jack, for letting me borrow your dragon. He behaved beautifully at church on Sunday. He did not bite or claw anyone or set anyone on fire. He sat quietly beside me as Bill delivered a message about how God transforms the hearts of his people.

Little dragon, you have emboldened me to pray bigger, to pray braver. You have reminded me anew: there is nothing my God cannot do.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THE HURT?

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

"For who has known the mind of the Lord,

or who has been his counselor?"

"Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"

For from him and through him and to him are all things.

To him be glory forever. Amen.

- Romans 11:33-36

* * *

At our Romans study this past Thursday, our large-group leader observed that "Right theology produces doxology. A high view of God produces heartfelt praise."

Kathy continued: "God's perfect wisdom and his plans are above our understanding. Thankfully, we do not need to understand everything in order to trust the God who does." Then, because she is good at challenging us to apply doctrine to everyday life, Kathy asked, "How do you respond to things that come into your life that you don't understand? Do you worship God (like Paul did in these verses)? Or, do you turn your prayers into opportunities to complain?"

(I don't think I've shouted it into the blog-o-sphere yet this week, so let me do it now: I LOVE THIS STUDY OF THE BOOK OF ROMANS! Now, back to this blog post...)

Am I a worshiper? or a complainer?

I've been through a rough season lately, fraught with much that I do not understand. I have not doubted God's sovereignty or goodness, but I have frequently wondered, "Lord, what on earth is going on here? What are you doing?!"

Sadly, many of my prayers have been complaining prayers:
"God, this is such an atrocious mess. Why don't you just fix everything?"
"Lord, convict ---- of sin and grant them true repentance!"
"God, plead my case on my behalf! Why do you remain silent?"
"Lord, what am I supposed to do with all this hurt?!"

And in response to my complaining prayers, God has brought to mind verses such as...

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust" (Matthew 5:43-45).

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you...love your enemies, and do good...Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:29, 35a, 36).

"See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God is Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:15-18).

Over the past several weeks, God, in his great mercy, has redirected my prayers from a preoccupation with my own wounds, to genuine concern and compassion for those who have wounded me. And, as is so often the case in God's upside-down economy, I find that while I have been praying for those who have hurt me, God has been quietly healing my heart.

I still do not understand God's plans in this particular situation - I am completely baffled - but the kindness and tenderness with which He has met me during this trial has transformed my prayers of complaining into prayers of heartfelt worship and praise. God faithfully speaks into the details of my life with such precision, and He continually draws me closer to him. God is SO GOOD.

This morning, a friend shared on Facebook an article by Jonathan Parnell - "When God Calls You Out" - posted over at Desiring God Ministries. Jonathan writes: "God brings trials into our lives to give us more of himself. Their purpose is that we might not rely on ourselves - not look to ourselves for salvation or hope or joy - but that we might rely on him. The purpose is that we would lean on God, that we'd fix our eyes on his glory, clinging to the truth that in Jesus he is always enough for us. Always." (Read Jonathan's entire article HERE.)

In place of the hurt, God has given me himself.

And He is enough.

Always.

AROUND EVERY CORNER

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life..." - John 6:68

* * *

I wrote a couple of days ago (Joy Comes in the Morning) about God's faithfulness in meeting me in a very broken place. But God did not meet me in that dark night of the soul, perform his "surgery" on my heart, and then step back to let me continue healing on my own.

This past week, I have met Him around every corner.

God has been EVERYWHERE, speaking with precision into the needs of my heart and my soul:

• In my daily Bible reading (Job, Matthew, Psalms, Romans...everywhere I look, I find God saying, "Camille! Here I am with you. I love you. Be strengthened. Take heart!")
• In the world and the weather outside my kitchen window
• In the BSF study notes for the book of Romans, and in Kathy's lecture on Thursday
• In the comments made by the other women in my BSF small group
• In the songs my daughter plays on the piano. (Thou lovely source of true delight, whom I unseen adore, unveil thy beauties to my sight that I might love Thee more, oh, that I might love Thee more!)
• In the compassion of the woman on the treadmill next to me
• In the book about prayer that a friend gave me almost two months ago, but that I just started reading a few weeks ago (I guess God knew this book needed to be saved until the moment when it would speak most effectively to my heart.)
• In a technical book about the craft of writing, of all the weird places!
• In the gracious words of the lady cutting my hair
• In an article shared by a friend on Facebook
• In the prayers of friends
• In the still, quiet darkness of wee-hours morning

Everywhere I have turned, God has met me.

I am amazed at how much pain and hurt has been soothed away over the past two days by my loving Father.

Three nights ago, heartbroken and sore, I lay awake weeping tears of sorrow.

Last night, overwhelmed by the goodness, faithfulness, tenderness, compassion, and love of God, I wept tears of gratitude and joy.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

In the night before this morning's dawn, a passage from one of the Psalms came to mind. When I was a small girl, the church my family attended sang Psalms - the words of the Psalms of the Bible, set to music - instead of hymns or praise music. One particular chorus, a rather bouncy call-&-response learned way back in my childhood, kept running through my head:

"Oh, taste and see - [oh, taste and see!] - that God is good - [that God is good!]; Who trusts in Him is blest. Fear God, His saints - [fear God his saints] - none that Him fear - [none that Him fear] - shall be with want oppressed."

I was having a private little praise fest, lying there in the darkness! My heart was so full!

Then the sun came up. I showered, dressed, brewed a pot of coffee, poured a cup, and sat down with my Bible. Today's reading: a couple of chapters in Exodus, a chapter in Matthew, a passage in Romans, and a Psalm.

You want to guess which Psalm was up for today?

Psalm 34.

How cool is that?!

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack.

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all. - Psalm 34:8, 18-19

Have I mentioned yet...GOD IS SO GOOD?!

* * *

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." - Lamentations 3:21-24

THREE PRAYERS

Three prayers I pray with absolute confidence that God will hear and answer:

1. Lord, so work in my heart that I earnestly desire to know you better and to love you more. When my affection for you grows cool, grant me sincere repentance, and stir my heart again to flame. Help me to find in you - and in you alone - solace for all my hurts, abiding peace in place of my fears, and full satisfaction for my deepest longings.

2. If I am to know you better (and love you more!), I must spend time in Scripture, for that is where you reveal yourself to your people. Sometimes, though, my appetite is weak. Lord, create in me a hunger for your Word, and draw me daily to feed upon it. When I am busy with the demands of this day, bring what I have read in your Word to mind; help me to meditate on it, so that am nourished and refreshed by it all day long.

3. Keep me mindful of my complete dependence upon you, so that I come continually to you in prayer. Help me to remember that my Lord Jesus and your Holy Spirit intercede on my behalf, so that I never come to you alone, but always in mighty company. Let me never for one moment think that you hear and answer my prayers because of any faithfulness on my part, but only because of the unwavering faithfulness of my Savior, your Son, in whom I can pray with full assurance of your favor and with great boldness and confidence and with full expectation of being heard and answered.

LIFE OUTSIDE OF TIME

My internal clock is all out of whack.

I am not sure what day of the week it is, nor am I confident of today's date. I do know we are in the month of October now - yay, me!

My daily rhythms are off. My weekly rhythms are off. I feel like I am living life outside of time.

This time confusion is not without its advantages, though.

Life here in Japan is lived fourteen hours ahead of life in West Tennessee. It is six o'clock in the evening here. Martha is cooking dinner.

It is four o'clock in the morning in West Tennessee - four o'clock this morning, the one already past here in Japan - and it is four o'clock in Mississippi...and four o'clock in the morning is a wonderful time to pray for the day ahead for those I love back home.

My prayer sisters pray throughout the day back in Tennessee. And then, as their day ends, my day begins, and the baton is passed. It is pretty cool to know that we are praying for one another around the clock.

Before I adjust to day and night on the far side of the world, it will be time to head home, time to throw another wrench into the gears of my already malfunctioning internal clock.

I anticipate another season of time confusion. I wonder what blessings it will bring?

SHARED SORROW, DOUBLE JOY

Speaking of the study in the book of Romans (see previous post HERE)...

When Paul was prevented from doing the thing he wanted earnestly to do - to visit believers in Rome - how did he respond? He applied himself diligently to the task before him - ministering to the church in Corinth - while he continued praying for and looking for opportunities to go to Rome.

I am so thankful God did not answer Paul's prayers with an immediate "Yes." Otherwise, we wouldn't have this amazing letter to the Romans!

It occurred to me this week that this great book gives us so many powerhouse verses of encouragement. It was in this season of deferred longing that Paul wrote:

"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18).

- AND -

"And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

- AND -

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

These verses were penned while Paul's desires were being denied by God.

Oh, for such faith, a faith that rests in and readily testifies to the unwavering faithfulness and goodness of God, even in the face of disappointment and unanswered prayers!

Ephesians 2 tells us that this kind of confident, rock-solid, unflinching, joyful faith is the gift of God. We can not conjure it up within ourselves. So, like the father of the child possessed by an unclean spirit, I cry: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"

This has been a season of "not yet" answers to prayer at my house. It would be easy to grow discouraged, frustrated, melancholy. But God, in his great mercy, has surrounded me with a community of believers who are committed to praying alongside me. When my own faith flags, these sisters and brothers remind me - again and again - of the goodness and faithfulness of God.

One fruit of this "not yet" season: we have learned that when we share our disappointments and sorrows, they diminish. Even more astounding, we have seen our grief transformed into worship and praise. One dear sister wrote, "God is causing us to rejoice - not in a certain outcome - but in God himself."

A Swedish proverb states: "Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow."

It is one thing to begin with joy, share that joy, and then see it multiplied into greater joy; or to begin with grief, and see that grief, when shared, made smaller.

But God is so much bigger than that. Our sovereign, all-powerful Creator transforms shared sorrows into joyful praise.

* * *

I will turn their mourning into joy;

I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:13b

ASK IN FAITH

This morning, in my current read-through-the-Bible journey, I found myself once again in the book of James.

I LOVE THIS BOOK.

"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith...

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial..." (James, Ch. 1, vv. 1-6a, 12a)

Few of you reading this blog know intimate details of my life. Suffice to say, physical and emotional and relational "trials" have been all over my radar screen lately. It amazes me how God puts me right back here in the book of James, at the very moment when I need to consider anew the truth and encouragement it contains.

God loves with such sweet precision!

But today is not the first time I have been blessed by this little book...

DOUBLE-MINDED MAN
- originally posted October 13, 2010

In our Sunday evening study of James, Deon tackled verses 5-8 of chapter one this week: "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

As if James anticipates the struggles we will have "joyfully" facing the trials mentioned in verse 2, he moves right to the topic of prayer. What do we typically pray for when we find ourselves in the midst of a trial? Usually, we pray something like "Lord, get me out of this situation!" - or - "Lord, make this trial go away!" - or - "Lord, FIX THIS!" James, on the other hand, counsels us to pray for wisdom.

For wisdom? First, James says to "count it all joy." Pretty radical. NOT my natural response to suffering or difficulty. Then, when I am screaming out "Lord, send me some relief!" - James says, "No, ask for wisdom."

Deon explained it this way: We read about God in Scripture. We study to know God better. But, we need wisdom to know how to apply the truths of Scripture to the messiness and heartbreak of life in this fallen world. That kind of wisdom is not natural to man - it is going to have to come from God. This is the kind of wisdom that changes our cry from a frantic "Get me out of this!" - to - "Help me to grow from this, Lord, and to know you better."

James encourages us further: he immediately assures us that when we pray for wisdom in trials, we are petitioning a God who gives generously, who does not belittle or scorn us for our ignorance and weakness, who is eager to answer our prayers. But....

Then James exhorts us to "ask in faith." Verse 6 has always troubled me. I believe God can do anything He pleases. My problem is, I'm often uncertain if I am praying His will. I want my friend Amy to be healed from cancer. What if God has other plans for her? I ask God to supply my daily needs, and I have some pretty specific things in mind...but maybe what I perceive as needs are really only wants? I have long struggled with the fear that I am, as James puts it, "a double-minded man," and that it is presumptuous of me to expect anything from the Lord.

"Faith is not believing God can. Faith is believing God will." Deon thus described the view he once had about this faith mentioned in James. That's my problem! I thought, I know God can, but I'm not sure He will! That uncertainty has long haunted my prayer life, but Sunday, God met my doubt head-on.

"That's what I used to believe," Deon continued. "But then I learned, if what I'm praying is not God's will...He won't. Faith is not knowing that God can, or knowing that God will. Faith is knowing God." Deon went on to explain that the kind of faith that stands through trials is faith based on knowing God, on believing what He says is true about Himself in Scripture. Folks, by the end of Deon's sermon, I felt like a tremendous weight of doubt and guilt and uncertainty had been lifted off my shoulders.

I don't know if God will heal my friend Amy. I don't know if He will give me a reliable vehicle to drive. But I do know....God is sovereign. God is good. God loves His children perfectly and gives us exactly what we need to grow in righteousness. I can pray with confidence, not because I am assured of the outcome I desire, but because I am certain, through the teaching of Scripture, that God is all-powerful and all-wise and He will give me nothing less than what is best.

My prayer is that the all-wise God will give this feeble, ignorant child the wisdom to see His purposes, to desire His will over my own, to approach trials saying, "Lord, teach me." I have no doubt - NO doubt - that, in time, He will do exactly that...because He told me He would, right there in the first chapter of James.

THE INCREDIBLE SWEETNESS OF GOD'S LOVE

(originally posted July 19, 2013)

A repost, because I find it harder than I expected to write while I am lying down...

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

To the right of this post, there is a place on the sidebar where you can "Search This Blog." Enter anxiety, or fear, or prayer, or a snippet of the verse above, and hit "Search":  you'll see by the number of related posts that come up just how much I struggle with trusting God's good providence in my life.

I've also mentioned in earlier posts how one characteristic of this new season of my life is mid-morning sleeplessness . . . which is not a bad thing, because being awake at 3:00 in the morning provides such a wonderful opportunity to pray without the distractions of a busy daytime house. However, these wee-morning-hour prayer sessions can also be times of earnest spiritual wrestling. I am learning, however, that God is not only awake and ready to talk at 3:00 in the morning, but that He deals so very sweetly with His children in the still darkness of the night.

I lay awake in bed last night (this morning) with some very particular worries on my mind, but also with a very real sense of the nearness and attentiveness of God. "God, thank You so much that You are here and You are listening! Thank You so much that I never, ever have to be alone with the fears that plague my heart!"

Then, the above verse came to mind. "...do not be anxious about anything..."

"But I am anxious, Lord. I am anxious about my tiny daughter who will be flying back home from Japan soon. And I am anxious about my son at boot camp. And I am anxious about my husband's health and his work. And I am anxious about..."

It was a long, long list.

But talking through that list with God last night, I did not feel at all as if He were listening with a frown on His face: "You stupid, sinful, wicked child! Have I not just told you 'Do not be anxious'? And yet that is the very thing you insist on doing!" No, it was as if He was embracing me in loving arms:  "Yes, I know you are anxious about Martha, and about Tom. What else are you afraid of right now?" No condemnation (Thank You, Jesus!), just mercy and grace.

Praying through my worries, it felt like I was taking each weight inside my heart and handing it to God. He never flinched. "Yes," my Father assured me, "I care about these things, too. Can you trust me with them, Camille?"

Yes. Yes, I can, because I know how much you love me, Lord. Because You are awake and listening at 3:00 in the morning. Thank You.

And so, with an unburdened heart I drifted off to sleep.

But that's not the end of this story.

This morning after breakfast, I sat down to finish working through the study for our women's brunch tomorrow morning. I like to write out the verses at the end of each chapter of our study - I process things better when I write them than when I read them. I flipped open the study book, looked up the passage written on the page, and began writing on a sheet of loose-leaf paper. . .

"Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air:  they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? . . . the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father know that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow..." Matthew 6:25-34

And then I looked up and wrote the next Scripture reference on the list, Luke 10:38-42, the passage about Martha and Mary, where Martha was frustrated because her sister was sitting at Jesus's feet instead of helping her serve their guests. The passage includes this verse: "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Camille, Camille! You are anxious and troubled about many things! Be still, my child, and rest at the feet of Jesus.

Now, the funny thing is, this month's women's study is not about worry or about being anxious. It is about setting priorities, about using our time to do what God has given us to do instead of becoming distracted and stressed out by the to-do lists we or others create for us. But as I wrote out those verses this morning, I was overwhelmed with the sweetness of God - that He loves me so much that He wanted to continue our conversation from last night!

I finished the homework for tomorrow's women's study, then put on a kettle of water to make tea. A quick trip to "the library," where I read this excerpt from the June 2013 Tabletalk. Scott Devor, writing on the Christian's adoption into God's family: It is in Christ that we see [the] compassion of the Father most fully expressed. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Rom. 8:32)

Devor continues: As our Father, He gives us all things that we need, and knows them before we ask (Matt. 6:8). This is similar to what Jesus taught on the Sermon on the Mount - that if earthly (and sinful) fathers know how to give good gifts and care for their children, how much more will our heavenly (perfect) Father give good gifts and care for us (Matt. 7:9-11)?

I've been brought to tears this morning - not because of fear, but because my Father is so very, very good. Almighty God - who has destroyed nations, slain entire armies, who crushed His own Son for my sake - the sovereign, terrible, omnipotent creator and sustainer of the universe, has stooped to love His frightened daughter with such incredible sweetness and tenderness.

I am undone. 

GO DOWN SWINGING

A repost today, because it is still a struggle to not be anxious...

GO DOWN SWINGING
(originally posted June 19, 2013)

I am a fearful person. I fear what people think of me and how they'll respond to me. I fear for the safety and welfare of my children. I fear that I'll say or do (or write) something that will hinder someone else in their faith. The list goes on and on.

But Scripture tells me there is only one thing I should fear, and that is God. A reverent fear. In a strange way, a deeply comforting fear.

Scripture, on the other hand, tells me NOT to fear men, or what they may do to me. Not to fear for tomorrow, what I will eat or wear. Not to fear for my safety - my life is God's anyway, right?

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:5b-6

Do not be anxious about anything.

But still, I am afraid.

One of the lovely side-effects of being 50-ish is that I rarely sleep through the night. I usually wake up around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, still tired but unable to sleep. I have found this to be an awesome time to pray - the house is quiet, and I'm not distracted by the chores that need attending. Basically, I just lie in the bed and pray, pray, pray, until, eventually, sleep returns.

Last night I woke up with such a heavy weight of anxiety on my heart! My kids are scattered to the four corners of the world. Yes, I fear for their safety. I am concerned for the choices they make. Mostly, I am anxious because I want so desperately to be certain that their hearts belong to God. And so, I prayed about these things.

But still, I was haunted with a nagging uneasiness.

I know that God is sovereign. That He is good. That He loves me, very, very much. I KNOW these things. Where then does this disquiet come from?

I think Satan sometimes haunts us, shadows us with an Eeyore cloud of gloom, so that we are unable to rest in and enjoy the peace and assurance that are ours in Christ. Satan cannot make Christ's work or God's sure promises ineffective; instead, he clouds our vision so that we don't feel like God's promises are true, we don't feel like God's Spirit is close at hand to comfort and guide us. What do we do then, when we are troubled by lying feelings?

I read once a piece of advice a father gave to his son. This man told his son never to start a fight. . . but to always finish every fight he was in. Don't start fights. But, if someone else starts one, and you find yourself in the middle of it, make sure that the fellow who starts it walks away limping, that he has reason to think twice about picking another fight. He told his son, it's okay to lose a fight - just make sure the other guy never wins.

This has become my strategy for dealing with these anxieties that sometimes pile in on me in the middle of the night. Yes, I may be discomfited, but Satan is not going to walk away with a win.

So, I pray...for the health and safety of my children. For my husband's job. For the ministry I am a part of at Grace. For the friend living in bondage to sin. For whatever troubles my mind. And if, after praying, I still don't have peace...

I sing. Not out loud (at least not at 2:00 in the morning!), but silently. Words of classic, soul-edifying hymns. Whate'er my God ordains is right: his holy will abideth; I will be still whate'er he doth, and follow where he guideth. Words of praise choruses. Oh, Lord, you're beautiful! Your face is all I seek! The Doxology. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Praise Him all creatures here below.

Amazing how this exercise quiets and calms my anxious soul.

If sin and the devil want to "pick a fight," if they want to play on my fears, then I will hang in and finish the fight. I may not win - my fears may be back to haunt me another day - but I will go down swinging. I intend to leave my adversary with a bloody nose and a blacked eye.

Am I a fearful woman? Yes. What will I do when Satan punches my fear buttons? I'm not even going to give him the time of day. No, I'm going to praise the God who made and keeps me.

Praise God.
Praise God.

MANNA

In a previous blog post - Praying for Open Hands - I wrote:

"One of the first things I pray each morning is for God to give me the wisdom to know what to do and what to leave undone. I ask him to help me choose wisely what things to make a priority. I also ask him for grace to let go of things I will not be able to accomplish.

"As I pray, I picture an open hand, palm up. My prayer is for God to put into my open hand the tasks He wants me to work on, and for Him to remove from my hand those things that are not his will for me that day. I also pray that I will not be tight-fisted - that I will not insist on MY ToDo list while neglecting God's priorities for me."

But this particular morning - today - as I lay considering the day ahead, I felt so blegh. Oh, I have plenty of things I should do today - household chores, writing assignments, yard work, etc. - but I lacked the desire or motivation to climb out of bed and do any of them.

I looked at my open hand, empty palm held out for God to place in it or to remove from it whatever He wanted, and I sighed. "Nah. Just plain empty sounds fine to me...I don't really feeling like doing anything at all."

And then, as I lay there contemplating blowing the entire day in being unproductive, I thought about manna.

I thought about how God instructed his people to go out and gather this gift each morning before the sun melted it all away.

"Then the LORD said to Moses, Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not." - Exodus 16:4

God didn't tell the people, "You folks stay snuggled up in your tents while I rain down my blessing of manna all around you." No, He told them to "go out and gather."

The people were completely dependent upon God for each day's provision. They could not, however, enjoy the blessing of God's provision by sitting passively in their tents - they had to get up, grab a basket, go outside, and get to work. God sent the manna. In obedience, the people went out and gathered it.

"Okay! Okay!" I grumbled. "I get the message!" I climbed out from under the blankets in the gray light of predawn, half-heartedly repeating my "open hands" prayer as I shuffled to the bathroom.

After coffee and breakfast and conversation with the college crowd before they left for school, I sat down at the computer to work.

Blegh.

Blegh. Blegh. Blech.

My mind was blank, my eyes already glazed. Not a great way to start a day of writing!

"God, I am up and dressed and ready to work. I am struggling to be obedient, Lord, but mentally, emotionally, I've got nothing. Help me, Lord!"

I blinked at the computer screen like a stoned owl.

Beep!

I picked up my phone.

A message from a friend.

Two short verses she read this morning and wanted to share:

"To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." - 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

The dam broke. The thick concrete in my head crumbled.

And now...

I am ready to write.

STRENGTH AND SUBMISSION

Sally led an awesome yoga practice at Caroline's studio this morning.

From the other side of the studio's plate-glass windows, yoga probably looks easy. Movements are slow and gentle. Once in a position, you hold it for several long, deep breaths. A passerby might look in and wonder what a bunch of middle-aged women were doing frozen in time with their heads down toward the floor and their behinds up in the air.

But yoga is not easy...at least not for me. When Sally tells us to relax into a position, I am usually anything but relaxed. Forcing my tense muscles and tight breath to soften requires concentration, effort, and strength. By the end of this morning's practice, I was covered in a thin film of sweat.

We ended today's session in the corpse pose: splayed on the floor, flat on our backs, completely relaxed, eyes closed, resting. I felt simultaneously strong, energized, and engaged and completely relaxed.

I mentioned in yesterday's post that exercise class is a time to pray. Lying on the studio floor this morning, as I concentrated on relaxing into the floor and letting it support my body, I prayed, "Lord, I want to be like this - this yielded - to your will for my day. I want to be so completely guided by your purposes for me that I offer no resistance to your leading, that I feel no tension letting go of my plans in order to pursue your plans for me for the day ahead."

And yet, this prayer for a yielded spirit was not something limp, passive, disengaged. As I relaxed into the floor and prayed for an attitude of complete submission to God's will for my day, I was conscious of my recently warmed-up and stretched muscles, conscious of my core strength, my alignment, my breathing. I was warmed up and strengthened and had cleared my mind, and I was praying for God to use my strength (and my time, my thoughts, my energy) for his purposes.

Strength and submission. Where man so often creates a false dichotomy of either-or, God issues a divine "and" - I must give Him both.

PRAY WITHOUT CEASING

What is God's will for my life?

Should I stick with my current job, or should I look for other employment?

Should I continue in this difficult relationship, or should I cut ties?

Should I remain silent, or should I speak up? I know I should always tell the truth, but how much of the truth should I tell?

Should I fix curry/rice bowls for dinner tonight, or meatloaf and mashed potatoes?

I have an idea for my next book, but is it the book that God wants me to write? Does He have something different for me instead?

What is God's will for my life?!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Rejoice, pray, give thanks - this is God's will for my life.

...pray without ceasing...

You mean, pray all the time?

How can I possibly pray all the time?! I have meals to prepare, writing assignments to complete, emails to answer, children to parent, appointments to keep . . . I AM SO BUSY. How am I supposed to "pray without ceasing" with so many demands on my time?!

I am learning - finally - that prayer isn't something to be reserved for quiet moments set apart from the chaos of life. Prayer is something I do in the midst of the chaos. I pray during exercise class and at the post office and when I am driving down the road. I pray while I am in a conversation with my daughter and when I am on the phone with a friend. I pray when I write, when I am at the doctor's office, and when I stand in front of the refrigerator and ask myself what to fix for dinner tonight.

I am like a three-year-old at my Father's elbow.

...pray without ceasing...

Once you begin, it's hard to stop.

A SILLY LITTLE PRAYER

I jumped out of bed this morning eager to get started on a busy day. My morning routine typically looks something like this:

Dress, brush teeth, etc. Pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the kitchen counter to read my Bible. Pray for my family and my church family and for the day ahead. Start a load of laundry. Check Todoist, email, and Facebook, then head out the door to morning exercise class at Caroline's in Troy...

This morning as I waited for Todoist to load on the computer, I realized that I had not prayed for the day ahead. I am a Type A person who loves to have a plan and who loves to make that plan happen. Life doesn't always go according to plan, however, so it is important for me to pause at the beginning of each day to remember that God's plan may not be the same as my plan and to pray that I will be open and obedient to his plan instead of insisting on mine.

I pray each morning for open hands: for God to place in my hands the things He wants me to do each day, and for him to enable me to willingly release from my hands those things I am tempted to grasp tightly but which are not his purpose for me that particular day.

So today as I waited for Todoist to load, I thought, "Ah! I forgot to pray for open hands today!" I took a minute to consider the many things I need to get done today, and I prayed that God would give me open palms and relaxed fingers for the day ahead. And then I thought how silly it was to think that a simple, rather ritualistic prayer was so important.

I checked email and Facebook, switched the clothes from the washer to the dryer, grabbed a water bottle and headed out the door to exercise class. That's when my Plan A for today began to unravel...

Short story - I didn't make it to class at Caroline's.

When I realized that I wasn't going to be able to drive to Troy, a wave of frustration rose inside me. That frustration was checked almost immediately, though, by this thought: "Oh! So this is one of those things You want to take out of my hand today! Yes, I need to let this go. What do you have for me to do instead?"

As I headed back inside - disappointed, but not angry or upset or derailed - I thought to myself: that silly little prayer for "open hands" is not so silly after all.

PRAYING WITH OPEN HANDS
- originally published August 3, 2016

We all have more demands on our time each day than we can possibly hope to meet. I get out of bed each morning knowing that I am not going to get everything on my ToDo list checked off before I crawl back into to bed at the end of the day.

How can I choose wisely what to do today, and what to leave undone? And at the end of each day, how can I be free from worrying about all the things I didn't get around to?!

The Bible tells us in James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it [wisdom] will be given to him." Those are encouraging words for this oftentimes overwhelmed mom!

This verse tells me that God is the source of wisdom. It also assures me that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask for it, and that He doesn't reproach me when I acknowledge me need for his help. I can never ask God for wisdom too many times. I can never ask for too much. God is the source of all wisdom, and He is able and willing to meet my need.

So what does this have to do with my mile-long ToDo list?

One of the first things I pray each morning is for God to give me the wisdom to know what to do and what to leave undone. I ask him to help me choose wisely what things to make a priority. I also ask him for grace to let go of things I will not be able to accomplish.

As I pray, I picture an open hand, palm up. My prayer is for God to put into my open hand the tasks He wants me to work on, and for Him to remove from my hand those things that are not his will for me that day. I also pray that I will not be tight-fisted - that I will not insist on MY ToDo list while neglecting God's priorities for me.

This "open hand" prayer does not mean I accomplish everything on my ToDo list each day. However, it does mean that, trusting God's wisdom, I can climb into bed at night without suffocating under a mountain of guilt for the Undone.

This "open hand" prayer is something I have practiced for several months now. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new application for this prayer.

Sunday evening, a group gathered around the table had a rather animated and emotionally intense conversation concerning a topic about which we all held strong opinions. I left the table that evening feeling bruised and discouraged because I didn't think anyone else had listened to or seriously considered my thoughts on the subject. My input into the conversation had been ridiculed and then dismissed.

I climbed into bed with a heavy heart. "God," I prayed, "I want to be heard and listened to, but I have been ignored. I want my input to be respected and thoughtfully considered, but instead I have been dismissed." I was well on my way to a full-blown pity party when my morning-prayer image of the open hand popped into my mind.

I want to be heard, listened to, respected - these were things I was grasping tightly inside my balled fists. These were things I did not want to let go of, things I did not want to give up.

Then I considered my sweet Savior. He, of all people, should have been respected...but He was reviled. He, of all people, should have been listened to, but He was ignored. His opinions, of all opinions, should have been highly considered, but they were dismissed.

And He was content to be disrespected, ignored, dismissed...for my sake.

My "open hand" prayer took on a whole new meaning. "Lord," I prayed, "help me to release from my white-knuckle grasp those things which I think I deserve, those things I think I must have, but which You, in your wisdom, have withheld from me. Things like respect and thoughtful consideration. Let me instead graciously receive what you deem necessary for me at this moment, even if it is not what I would chose myself."

Amazingly, the prayer strategy that helped so much with my overwhelming ToDo list - that same prayer strategy transformed tears and emotional turmoil that Sunday evening into inner peace and assurance.

I will not check everything off my ToDo list today. That's okay. I may not be heard or valued or respected. That's okay, too.

I have given my ToDo list and my personal desires to God: He knows exactly how best to manage them.

PRAYING WITH OPEN HANDS

We all have more demands on our time each day than we can possibly hope to meet. I get out of bed each morning knowing that I am not going to get everything on my ToDo list checked off before I crawl back into to bed at the end of the day.

How can I choose wisely what to do today, and what to leave undone? And at the end of each day, how can I be free from worrying about all the things I didn't get around to?!

The Bible tells us in James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it [wisdom] will be given to him." Those are encouraging words for this oftentimes overwhelmed mom!

This verse tells me that God is the source of wisdom. It also assures me that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask for it, and that He doesn't reproach me when I acknowledge me need for his help. I can never ask God for wisdom too many times. I can never ask for too much. God is the source of all wisdom, and He is able and willing to meet my need.

So what does this have to do with my mile-long ToDo list?

One of the first things I pray each morning is for God to give me the wisdom to know what to do and what to leave undone. I ask him to help me choose wisely what things to make a priority. I also ask him for grace to let go of things I will not be able to accomplish.

As I pray, I picture an open hand, palm up. My prayer is for God to put into my open hand the tasks He wants me to work on, and for Him to remove from my hand those things that are not his will for me that day. I also pray that I will not be tight-fisted - that I will not insist on MY ToDo list while neglecting God's priorities for me.

This "open hand" prayer does not mean I accomplish everything on my ToDo list each day. However, it does mean that, trusting God's wisdom, I can climb into bed at night without suffocating under a mountain of guilt for the Undone.

This "open hand" prayer is something I have practiced for several months now. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new application for this prayer.

Sunday evening, a group gathered around the table had a rather animated and emotionally intense conversation concerning a topic about which we all held strong opinions. I left the table that evening feeling bruised and discouraged because I didn't think anyone else had listened to or seriously considered my thoughts on the subject. My input into the conversation had been ridiculed and then dismissed.

I climbed into bed with a heavy heart. "God," I prayed, "I want to be heard and listened to, but I have been ignored. I want my input to be respected and thoughtfully considered, but instead I have been dismissed." I was well on my way to a full-blown pity party when my morning-prayer image of the open hand popped into my mind.

I want to be heard, listened to, respected - these were things I was grasping tightly inside my balled fists. These were things I did not want to let go of, things I did not want to give up.

Then I considered my sweet Savior. He, of all people, should have been respected...but He was reviled. He, of all people, should have been listened to, but He was ignored. His opinions, of all opinions, should have been highly considered, but they were dismissed.

And He was content to be disrespected, ignored, dismissed...for my sake.

My "open hand" prayer took on a whole new meaning. "Lord," I prayed, "help me to release from my white-knuckle grasp those things which I think I deserve, those things I think I must have, but which You, in your wisdom, have withheld from me. Things like respect and thoughtful consideration. Let me instead graciously receive what you deem necessary for me at this moment, even if it is not what I would chose myself."

Amazingly, the prayer strategy that helped so much with my overwhelming ToDo list - that same prayer strategy transformed tears and emotional turmoil that Sunday evening into inner peace and assurance.

I will not check everything off my ToDo list today. That's okay. I may not be heard or valued or respected. That's okay, too.

I have given my ToDo list and my personal desires to God: He knows exactly how best to manage them.