I cannot write about depression from the perspective of a physician or someone with an advanced degree in counseling. I can only write from the perspective of someone who has been into the valley and who, by God's grace, is making the journey out of darkness, back into the light.
What have I learned that might be helpful to a person who is walking alongside a friend who is depressed?
IF YOU ARE THE FRIEND:
Pray, pray, pray. Pray and keep on praying - for your friend, for hope and for strength to persevere; for yourself, for wisdom to know how best to love and encourage your friend. Pray, pray, pray.
Checking in is helpful. Waiting for your downcast friend to initiate contact is not. "You can call me anytime!" No, I can't, not on days when simply breathing is a struggle. Call me. If I don't answer the phone, stop by the house. If I don't answer the door, send an email or text message or card. Find some way to make contact.
No, this won't make everything better, but it will do this: it will remind me that someone else in the world knows and cares that I am still here. It will remind ME: I am still here. And that is huge.
Listening - really listening - is helpful. Giving unsolicited advice is not. If I do answer the phone when you call, or open the door when you stop by, giving me a list of ten things you think I should do to solve all my problems is not helpful. Listening as I mentally work through things myself, identify problems, figure out possible solutions...that is helpful.
Most people don't like to listen; they prefer to talk. They'd rather tell you how to "fix" your problem. ("Have you tried fill-in-the-blank?") They want to make the unpleasantness go away, not walk with you through it. Which leads to...
Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let's be honest: depressed people are not generally fun to be around. Me, I cried a lot. I had days when I lacked the emotional energy to talk to other people. Even simple questions - "Where do you want to eat?" - were too big to process. (Some days are still like that.)
When you live under a big black cloud, folks don't like being around you. They don't make eye contact at church. They avoid conversation. They always have plans elsewhere. Being around you makes them uncomfortable.
Then there are those rare, precious people who, in spite of the awkwardness and discomfort, see the dark cloud and step under it to stand beside you and hold your hand.
I remember one time when my friend Joyce Tolar called. Joyce was the kind of friend who initiated contact.
Joyce: "How ya doin', Baby Girl?" (Joyce called everybody Baby Girl.)
Me: "I'm fine." Then, a long pause on the phone line.
Joyce: "I'm on my way over right now."
When Joyce got to the house, we sat on the porch swing together, and I had a good, snot-nosed cry. We didn't talk. We just sat there together, Joyce holding my hand, rocking the swing, watching the birds over the hay field and the traffic out on the highway. Joyce knew how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Do you want to be a good friend? Be like Joyce.
Do not minimize or dismiss your friend's emotions. Completely unhelpful things to say to someone who is depressed:
- "You shouldn't feel that way."
- "I don't know why you're not happy. Your life could be so much worse."
- "I don't know why you're not happy. You have such a perfect marriage/family/life."
- "Just get over it."
- "You didn't hear all this talk about depression fifty years ago. We're all a bunch of softies now. You need to toughen up."
- "You're just doing this for attention."
- "Real Christians do not get depressed."
Don't. Just don't.
Be patient. It takes a long time to find the way out of a particularly deep, dark valley. Instead of focusing on how long the process takes your friend, focus on progress. Celebrate every step - even very small steps - toward the light. Encourage. And keep praying.
Don't do nothing.
What would YOU add to this list?
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