THIS TIGER IS ALWAYS IN THE ROOM

I am a fearful, anxious person. To be sure, I'm not nearly as prone to fear and anxiety as I was, say, 10 years ago. But even after witnessing firsthand the faithfulness, goodness, provision, and protection of God for nearly 60 years, I can slip back into fear and anxiety in a heartbeat.

The tiger of fear may be quieter now. The tiger may nap occasionally in a shadowy corner, but it is always in the room.

I recently participated in a discussion where the leader asked a question that went something like this: "How does our culture reject God today?" 

Almost immediately, answers to this question became all about Them. You know, Those People, people who openly deny the existence of God, disregard his commands, harass Christians, or choose godless lifestyles of flagrant sin.

I don't really feel comfortable talking about what is in the hearts of Those People, but I am painfully aware of what is in my own heart...and painfully aware of the silent, subtle ways that I reject God.

God promises that He will take care of me. I have an almost 60-year track record of God doing exactly that...keeping his promises.

God tells me in his Word to trust him. God tells me to not be anxious.

But I AM anxious.

Right now, the night before the start of a work week that is mapped out with a patient load and work schedule that terrifies me, I sit here with a knot in my stomach, wondering yet again, "Can I trust you, God? Have you got this? Are you going to take care of me? Am I going to survive this week without totally crashing?"

The tiger has me in a corner tonight. With lips curled and teeth exposed, the tiger paralyzes me with its hot breath and a soft, deep snarl.

"GOD, HAVE YOU GOT THIS? ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME?"

I have no defenses with which to fight a tiger. None. I am a tired, squishy, gray-haired woman with achy knees, slow reflexes, and a mind that can't even remember why I walked into the laundry room 5 minutes ago.

Staring down the tiger named Next Week, I am almost in a full-blown panic. "GOD, CAN I TRUST YOU?!"

* * * * *

Because I don't know what else to do, I am singing the Doxology this evening....over and over and over again inside my head.

This week may eat me alive. Who knows?

God knows. Based on the past 60 years of experience, I want to believe I will survive unmauled.

But if I don't, and if this tiger takes me down, I am resolved to go down singing the praises of God, even if it's only the song of a fearful child desperately wishing light into the darkness.

I

Will

Praise

My

God.

* * * * *

Let's plan to meet here again next week, okay?

Okay?

* * * * *

Post Script

Today is Saturday, October 7. As secondary weekend on-call, I am winding up a work week that terrified me on Monday. Obviously, I survived! 

Was God faithful? Yes, He was! Let me share with you some of the details...

I wrote the above post Sunday evening.

Monday morning, my daily Bible reading just so happened to put me in Romans 8 - that glorious chapter that talks about how "the Spirit helps us in our weakness" and "the Spirit himself intercedes for us." The chapter that tells us God works everything together for the good of those who love him. The chapter that assures believers that God loves us...and that nothing can separate us from that love!

I woke up anxious, and BAM!, God started my day and my week with, "Let's get something straight right now, Camille. I am in control. And, I love you."

Monday night, solo on-call. I woke up every hour and checked my phone, afraid I had missed an urgent notification. Not. One. Call. All. Night. Not a single one. Go figure.

Tuesday, a long, hard day...but Tuesday night, better sleep than I've had in weeks.

Wednesday: my morning Psalm was Psalm 103. A clear reminder of the steadfast love of God. A reminder that God knows I am weak, but He is faithful. Wednesday evening, an encouraging session with my therapist and an unexpected visit with my sweet son Tom.

Thursday, a difficult 12-hour work day that felt like it would never end. But Thursday night, such incredible sleep.

Friday, light at the end of the tunnel! Stumbled home exhausted at the end of the day, heated up leftovers for dinner, and enjoyed a fun movie with my Mom. Signed in for weekend on-call, and guess what...not one single call Friday night. How weird is that?

Y'all, my faith is weak, but God is faithful.

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him...For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust...the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children. - from Psalm 103, ESV