SPACE TO BE HUMAN

Years ago, my oldest son Reuben said to me that it is important to "make space to be human." What he meant, I believe, is that in the busy-ness of life - all the demands, commitments, obligations, things that must be done day-to-day just to stay alive - it is important to make space to do things that bring us joy, things that feed our souls. Things like baking beautiful bread or making music or pausing to enjoy the softness of moss or the loveliness of a sunset.

If I am, by nature, human, why the counsel "make space" to be human?

Because although I am a human, life in this fallen world is so constructed as to squeeze out my very soul. If I don't actively WORK to make space to be human, the busy-ness of life will consume me.

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I see a therapist. My current therapist, unlike my last, actually gives me assignments. Right now, I am working on setting and maintaining healthy work/personal life boundaries.

It's not going very well.

Technically, my job requires me to work or be available to work from 8:00am to 5:00pm, Mondays through Fridays, with one hour off for lunch. I am also expected to be available to work one night of secondary on-call each week and one weekend of secondary on-call every 5-6 weeks.

Lately, I have consistently worked 10-hour days, and I think the last time I actually took a break for lunch was during onboarding some 9 months ago.

Now, before you make some wrong assumptions, let me be clear: the problem here is not my employer. The problem is me. I have a distorted work ethic based on a wonky mental system of feeling like my worth and security are based on my performance (aka my overachieving/never-say-no warped way of thinking).

I CAN say no.

I CAN send scheduled visits back at the end of the day.

I CAN actually take a break to eat lunch, or to take a walk, or to simply pause and breathe.

But, I DON'T.

With my therapist's blessing, I set a personal goal last month of taking a 30-minute break each day - for at least 2 days a week - to eat lunch or take a walk. Baby steps.

Guess how many days I have taken a lunch break since setting that goal?

Zero.

Here's my list of excuses (because excuses are what they are) for not meeting this goal even one time:

• We're in a busy season at work.
• We are short-staffed.
• The work schedule will be better after we get through this month/after we hire another nurse/after hell freezes over.
• We have staff out sick.
• Work in healthcare, by nature, has ebbs and flows.
• Blah, blah, blah....

You get the picture. (Can any of you relate, Dear Readers?)

The bottom line is: I consistently do NOT make "space to be human," even in the very simple way of pausing in the middle of my day to eat lunch or to step away from work and breathe.

This has me wondering: Why is it so freakin' hard to "make space to be human"?

Is it only because of pressure from outside, pressures from work and social commitments and family responsibilities, etc? Or is part of the problem from within? Is there something internal, something inside of me, that resists/recoils/rebels at the thought of pausing, breathing, resting...in other words, is there something within me that resists the work of "being human"?

I think there is.

I am afraid to rest.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy...."

Remember...to rest.

Is that even safe?

I think not.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.