10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT...

In my last post, I mentioned a tendency I witness frequently - a tendency that distresses me because I see it so all too often in myself - of finding fault with Them/Those People while tenaciously resisting acknowledgment of sin in my own heart. Where does this come from?

For me, I think this tendency comes from a deep sense of inadequacy on my own part, a sense of "falling short" which is so painful that I reflexively divert attention from my own faults to the faults of others in an act of self-defense.

Scattered across my desk are sticky notes and scraps of paper scrawled with ideas for potential blog posts.  Sitting down to write today, I find a common thought jotted in multiple places: Never Enough, Not Good Enough, The Land of Never Quite Right.

To what do these sticky-note "blog ideas" refer?

I have lived my entire life in The Land of Not Good Enough.

An A+ in high school chemistry was not good enough if my 6-week grade average was 96%. If I had worked harder, could I not have made a 100%? First-chair French horn was okay, but could I not also have qualified for All West Band?

I was not the pretty child in my family. I was not the smartest child in my family. I was not musically or artistically talented. I wasn't even the nicest child in my family. I was just....well...meh....

And so, in my little brain, I created this sad, sick, twisted dichotomy of Good vs. Bad.

Them vs. Me.

Everything and everybody sifted into a distorted moral hierarchy.

Extroverted, friendly, outgoing: Good.

Introverted, shy, contemplative (like me): Bad.

Compliant, peace-keeping, submissive: Good.

Strong convictions, idealistic, passionate (like me): Bad.

Tough, thick-skinned, hard-core: Good.

Sensitive, empathetic, emotional (like me): Bad.

Passive, compliant, a follower: Good, if you are a female.

Smart, ambitious, driven: Bad, if you are a female (like me).

Surely you can see how this Me vs. Everybody Else Who Has Life Figured Out dichotomy quickly became unbearable. So I flipped the game and made my own set of rules. Rules that proved that I was the good guy/superior/the winner, and They were inferior/the losers.

But now, finally...

I am beginning to understand that there aren't many Good Guys or Bad Guys, Winners or Losers...that mostly, there is just Different...and we are all just doing the best that we can to survive.

Yes, I am sensitive. Someone points that out like an accusation of inferiority or guilt. I am learning to respond, "Yes, I am sensitive. Thank you for noticing"...like they paid me a compliment.

"You're too idealistic. This is the real world we're living in." Like C. S. Lewis's Puddleglum, I am learning to think and speak clearly, and I would rather live in an idealist's world than someone else's Green Witch "real" world any day.

This is a long ramble to say...

I have lived in The Land of  Not Good Enough pretty much my entire life, and I think it's time to relocate.

There is a sort of "game" I play on occasion with my kids and my grands. It's called "10 Things I Love About ----"

The last time I played this game was with my granddaughter Hazel. We were sitting beside each other, passing notes during church. (Sorry, Gage.) Hazel wrote a note, and passed it to me, and I wrote a note and passed it to Hazel. My note was "10 Things I Love About Hazel," with a list...of 10 things...that I love about Hazel.

You get the idea.

Anywho, this week, I got to thinking, if I played the game "10 Things I Love About ---" with myself....well, I don't know if I could even do that.

Because Myself is Not Good Enough. Never has been.

So right now, real time, I am going to take one more step away from The Land of Not Good Enough, and I am going to try to list 10 Things I Like About Myself. (Come on, seriously? Baby steps, here. Let me learn to like...and maybe one day I'll learn to love...)

10 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT ME (in no particular order):

1. I make really good cornbread.
2. I am ridiculously loyal.
3. I have beautiful children.
4. I am very sensitive. (That is a positive, by the way, not a negative.)
5. And empathetic.
6. I am an idealist.
7. I talk to Jesus all the time. Out loud. Especially when I am driving.
8. I cry a lot.
9. I am quiet and contemplative.
10. I really like my white hair.
11. I make a mean gin and tonic.
12. I love singing along with Phil Wickham - loudly - on the radio.

Well, lookee there...12 things I like about myself! That wasn't hard at all.

Maybe one day, The Land of Not Good Enough will be one of those tears Jesus wipes away, never to be remembered again.

THIS TIGER IS ALWAYS IN THE ROOM

I am a fearful, anxious person. To be sure, I'm not nearly as prone to fear and anxiety as I was, say, 10 years ago. But even after witnessing firsthand the faithfulness, goodness, provision, and protection of God for nearly 60 years, I can slip back into fear and anxiety in a heartbeat.

The tiger of fear may be quieter now. The tiger may nap occasionally in a shadowy corner, but it is always in the room.

I recently participated in a discussion where the leader asked a question that went something like this: "How does our culture reject God today?" 

Almost immediately, answers to this question became all about Them. You know, Those People, people who openly deny the existence of God, disregard his commands, harass Christians, or choose godless lifestyles of flagrant sin.

I don't really feel comfortable talking about what is in the hearts of Those People, but I am painfully aware of what is in my own heart...and painfully aware of the silent, subtle ways that I reject God.

God promises that He will take care of me. I have an almost 60-year track record of God doing exactly that...keeping his promises.

God tells me in his Word to trust him. God tells me to not be anxious.

But I AM anxious.

Right now, the night before the start of a work week that is mapped out with a patient load and work schedule that terrifies me, I sit here with a knot in my stomach, wondering yet again, "Can I trust you, God? Have you got this? Are you going to take care of me? Am I going to survive this week without totally crashing?"

The tiger has me in a corner tonight. With lips curled and teeth exposed, the tiger paralyzes me with its hot breath and a soft, deep snarl.

"GOD, HAVE YOU GOT THIS? ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME?"

I have no defenses with which to fight a tiger. None. I am a tired, squishy, gray-haired woman with achy knees, slow reflexes, and a mind that can't even remember why I walked into the laundry room 5 minutes ago.

Staring down the tiger named Next Week, I am almost in a full-blown panic. "GOD, CAN I TRUST YOU?!"

* * * * *

Because I don't know what else to do, I am singing the Doxology this evening....over and over and over again inside my head.

This week may eat me alive. Who knows?

God knows. Based on the past 60 years of experience, I want to believe I will survive unmauled.

But if I don't, and if this tiger takes me down, I am resolved to go down singing the praises of God, even if it's only the song of a fearful child desperately wishing light into the darkness.

I

Will

Praise

My

God.

* * * * *

Let's plan to meet here again next week, okay?

Okay?

* * * * *

Post Script

Today is Saturday, October 7. As secondary weekend on-call, I am winding up a work week that terrified me on Monday. Obviously, I survived! 

Was God faithful? Yes, He was! Let me share with you some of the details...

I wrote the above post Sunday evening.

Monday morning, my daily Bible reading just so happened to put me in Romans 8 - that glorious chapter that talks about how "the Spirit helps us in our weakness" and "the Spirit himself intercedes for us." The chapter that tells us God works everything together for the good of those who love him. The chapter that assures believers that God loves us...and that nothing can separate us from that love!

I woke up anxious, and BAM!, God started my day and my week with, "Let's get something straight right now, Camille. I am in control. And, I love you."

Monday night, solo on-call. I woke up every hour and checked my phone, afraid I had missed an urgent notification. Not. One. Call. All. Night. Not a single one. Go figure.

Tuesday, a long, hard day...but Tuesday night, better sleep than I've had in weeks.

Wednesday: my morning Psalm was Psalm 103. A clear reminder of the steadfast love of God. A reminder that God knows I am weak, but He is faithful. Wednesday evening, an encouraging session with my therapist and an unexpected visit with my sweet son Tom.

Thursday, a difficult 12-hour work day that felt like it would never end. But Thursday night, such incredible sleep.

Friday, light at the end of the tunnel! Stumbled home exhausted at the end of the day, heated up leftovers for dinner, and enjoyed a fun movie with my Mom. Signed in for weekend on-call, and guess what...not one single call Friday night. How weird is that?

Y'all, my faith is weak, but God is faithful.

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him...For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust...the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children. - from Psalm 103, ESV