A WEAK LINK

"If you post assignments before seven o'clock Saturday evening, I will do my best to complete them before 8:00 Monday morning. If you wait to post assignments until Sunday afternoon or evening, I can tell you now that I will most definitely not complete them by Monday morning."

I am fairly certain - although I have no hard proof - this statement cost me a letter grade that semester.

Nursing school was rough. Monday through Friday, days typically started at 5:00am, and I often did not collapse into bed until midnight or later. Saturdays, I worked a 12-hour shift at the hospital. Sundays, church, and then homework and studying until late into the night. The routine was brutal for someone whose functional ability is seriously compromised by multiple nights of less than 6 or 7 hours of sleep. (God, can you remind me why this nursing thing? Do you not know that nurses are not allowed to sleep?)

Somewhere in the trauma of nursing school, I had a come-to-Jesus moment. I committed to fight for my Sundays, even if it cost me a letter grade...or a degree.

God commands us to set aside one day in seven to worship and rest. To pause and remember - by the physical and mental act of rest - that He is our provider and our king. As I struggled through nursing classes and clinicals, I needed that weekly recalibration desperately.

For one particular class, one particular instructor, my resolution to "honor the Sabbath" (which for me was a Sunday) was interpreted as an act of war. This teacher frequently posted last-minute assignments on the weekend and then demanded they be completed and turned in before our first class Monday morning.

I felt like David facing Goliath.

I passed that class and graduated from nursing school BY THE GRACE OF GOD. Now, two years later, I work at a job I love, caring for people in a most tender season of life.

I am truly blessed.

And yet...

Like a heavy, dark cloud that swells and subsides, spreads and withdraws, then uncoils yet again to stretch horizon to horizon...here is the battle for the Sabbath. The battle for rest and trust and faith.

I worked five 10-hour days this week, without lunch breaks, stopping only to pee. I'm not complaining...I've learned this kind of schedule is pretty normal for the nursing profession. I'm actually one of the lucky ones: I work days, and I love what I do.

Saturday, I was up before 6:00, tackling laundry, grocery shopping, changing bed linens, paying bills, balancing my checkbook...you know, all the things-that-need-to-be-done to continue functioning for another week.

Today, finally, Sunday - and rest.

Awake again before 6:00, the first thought on my mind this morning was, "I have five more IDG notes to complete." These notes are preparation for a team meeting next week. Each note takes roughly 30 minutes to complete. Between driving to patient homes, checking vitals, requesting med refills, attending staff meetings, etc., I managed to complete seven of my 12 notes by Friday evening. I have five left to complete before tomorrow morning at 5:30, when a new work week begins.

But today is Sunday. My one day in seven. Sabbath rest.

I woke to a battle. I can complete those five notes today, or I can rest, put work down for one whole day, turn off the devices, and step away from the endless paperwork.

If I choose rest, I face a second battle: Do I fret about the consequences of insisting "Enough. Today is a day of rest." - OR - Do I put work down not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally? Can I resolve not to worry about the consequences, and truly rest?

WHY is rest so hard for me? It looks so easy for some people! I suspect it's because I am a people-pleaser. I want to be All That and Then Some - for my family, for my friends, for my employer, for my coworkers, for my patients, for my neighbors, for myself.

I think to myself, "Other nurses work seven days a week, logging 60, 70, 80 hours. Why can't I? What's wrong with me?!"

I am old enough to know that life is not a pissing contest. I know this with my head, but my heart clings to a lie.

I feel like a weak link, a defective part, the wimpy kid on the middle-school dodge ball team.

You want to know the truth?

I AM the wimpy kid. (I still get a thrill of terror up my spine when I remember Kathleen Barbee powering a red rubber ball across the middle-school gym toward me. That girl could launch a dodge ball with the force of a cannon!)

I am the wimpy kid.

And I need rest.

I will have to deal with the consequences tomorrow.

Jesus, please, please, please, take away this performance-driven, man-fearing heart and give me a quiet, God-fearing heart instead.

A GIFT TO HELP SURVIVE NURSING SCHOOL TRAUMA

Nursing school was a traumatic experience, from the first day of the first class to the final, final exam. (Can I get an AMEN, sisters and brothers?!)

One of the many people who helped me persevere through the trauma was this young lady...

Morning School Commute

God gave me a very precious gift to help me off to a strong start on the nursing-school journey: my first year of college and Helen's senior year of college overlapped.

She was my school-commute buddy the first year of school (to be more precise, she was my chauffer, because I did not have a car of my own), and she was undoubtedly my biggest day-to-day cheerleader and encourager.

We rode together to campus and back most days. All our classes were in the same building. Several days each week, we met in a study lounge for lunch, usually hot soup from the Gooch Hall canteen, served by our sweet friend Ayree. (Ayree knew potato soup was Helen's favorite, and always made sure to have some set aside for us because potato soup sold out fast.)

On really bad days, when we both left campus feeling beaten up by life, we would pick up miso and sushi for dinner on the way home. Miso makes everything better.

And on really, really bad days, we'd skip homework and studying long enough for an episode of Downtown Abbey.

We cried together a lot that year, I more than Helen. We also laughed a lot together. Side by side, we made PowerPoint presentations and flashcards for our different classes, stayed up late together studying for exams, and drank coffee together on our early morning commute to campus. It was a rough year for both of us, but it was absolutely precious.

I'm reminiscing a little tonight because this amazing young woman has a birthday coming up soon, and thinking about her, I can't help but remember what a tremendous encouragement, delight, and inspiration she has been to me over the years, especially through difficult times...like through nursing school. She is one of the strongest, kindest, most beautiful, most resilient souls I have ever known.

Thanks to Helen - and many others - I finished school. I've been a real-life nurse for over a year now, and I've learned to do lots of new grown-up things. (Read more about that HERE.) I'm still growing, and still have lots to learn. As I continue to learn, I hope I grow to be more like Helen.

Thank you, sweet child.

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 8 (HE DID IT AGAIN...)

He did it again.

He met me in a dark valley - got there before I did - and He was holding a light.

It was incredibly hard and I ended the term exhausted, but I truly enjoyed my first semester of school. My teachers were excellent; the material we covered was interesting; and I enjoyed meeting new people and making new friends.

However, it has been very nice the past couple of weeks to NOT: get up before 5:00 every morning; stay up late reviewing Micro and Zoology notes; stress over math homework and lab quizzes; juggle work and school and all the things I should be doing at home.

The dark circles under my eyes are gone. The knotted cables in my shoulders and neck have relaxed. Ahhhhh....

But...

A tremendous obstacle looms like Mount Doom between me and nursing classes in the fall: Anatomy & Physiology 2.

A&P1 in four months felt like a runaway train, from the first day of class until the last. I cannot imagine an entire semester's worth of A&P2 crammed into four weeks.

While I have been catching up on sleep and household chores, I have been trying very hard to NOT think about the approach of June and A&P2. Like hearing footsteps behind you in a dark alley, and they're getting closer, and you know you can't outrun whatever-it-is but you're too terrified to look over you shoulder. Or, like the frightened child who thinks that if he closes his eyes, because he can't see the bogey, the bogey isn't really there.

Yeah, that's kinda how I've been feeling.

But God reminded me again this week that I did not initiate this nursing-school journey - HE did - and He is perfectly capable of finishing what He has purposed for me. I don't have to be afraid of the bogey.

Last weekend, I looked at the calendar and realized that A&P2 is only two weeks away. My stomach knotted. Those familiar steel cables tensed across my shoulders and up my neck. "How on earth am I ever going to get through this?" I thought. "There's no way! I must be out of my ever-loving mind." And then the questioning: "God, is this really what you want me to do? Are you sure?!"

I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in months on Monday morning. She had no idea doubt and anxiety had the upper hand in my mind that morning, that I was second-guessing this whole going-back-to-school thing.

"It's so good to see you!" We chatted a few minutes, then my friend smiled and said, "I am so proud of you for going back to school, Camille. You're going to do great. Hang in there, girl...you've got this!"

And there was an encouraging note from my step-mom, tacked onto the end of an short email about an upcoming family dinner.

And an impromptu visit from my sister and nephew, who live three hours away. And not just a visit, but they actually brought me a car. Yes, you read that correctly: my brother-in-law sent me wheels for getting back and forth to campus.

And then, when I mentioned an expensive piece of technology I needed class, complaining that professors are sometimes insensitive to the financial situations of many students, another friend volunteered: "Oh! I have one of those! You can borrow mine!"

Last week, I was in a dark place, wondering why on earth I was doing this whole school thing, thinking maybe I had misunderstood and that I should throw in the towel.

This week, I am confident God has me exactly where He wants me.

He met me with a light - multiple lights - and said to me: "This way, my child..."

God got me through spring semester; He can get me through A&P2 in June.

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 7

I haven't written anything here at the blog in over two months.

You know that feeling you get when you're driving across North Alabama on Highway 78 and you really need to pee and you realize you just whizzed past the last exit with facilities for the next 100 miles? And by the time you finally reach the exit this side of Birmingham that has the giant Love's gas station, your eyes are watering and the pressure on your bladder is so great that it hurts to get out of the car? So you walk into the Love's kinda hunched over, taking little baby steps, praying, "Jesus, PLEASE don't let me trip or sneeze before I reach the bathroom"?

You know THAT feeling?

That's kinda how my chest feels when I haven't been able to write for a long time.

It's good to be back.

I'll try not to pee all over you, I promise.

So, about that nursing school thing...

I AM ALIVE!!! I just survived my first semester back at school in over three decades. Loved my teachers, made new friends, enjoyed my classes, made good grades, but, MAN, am I exhausted. As one of my classmates put it, "We've been ridden hard and put back in the barn wet."

DANG, that was rough.

I am happy to report I have been officially accepted into the nursing program at UTM for fall 2019. If I survive Anatomy & Physiology 2 in June, it's all GO with the nursing classes in August. (Right now, I am trying to not stress too much about A&P2 in June. How on earth is a professor going to cram four months worth of material into one month of classes? And how on earth will I LEARN that information so quickly? Don't panic. Breathe!!!)

But first, a few short weeks to catch my breath, rest my weary old bones, and catch up on chores around the house. I haven't mopped my floors in longer than it's been since I've posted here at the blog. I want to plant the flower boxes on my porch...I guess so everything can die when I don't have time to water the plants in June. I want to visit family.

And I want to write.

I'll start today with this:

10 Things I Learned (or relearned) My First Semester Back at School:

• There are so many beautiful people in the world.
• The "different" people are the most interesting people.
• Excellent teachers work way harder than any of their students.
• God is AMAZING. (Don't believe me? Study the human body.)
• Climbing four flights of stairs in Humanities didn't really get any easier over the course of the semester.
• My daughter is a great driver, and she's really good at remembering where the car is parked.
• Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.
• It's way too late in the game too be squeamish about talking about human genitalia in a mixed classroom full of late teens and early-20-somethings. (Just say the word, folks. Trust me: sitting there in a stare-off with Dr. Gathers and NOT saying the word is ten times more awkward.)
• School is HARD WORK and it is stressful, even for people who make good grades.
• The campus where I study is a certified arboretum. The trees are gorgeous.

Whew! I feel better already. I think I can inhale deeply and stand up straight again now.

Thank you, Loves!

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 6

No classes or work today, so I've been catching up on chores around the house. The past two months, I have learned there are certain things that simply do NOT happen when Mom goes back to school/work:

No one cleans the cat's litter box. Checked that chore off the list today. Wow. All I can say is: I am so sorry, Kitty!

No one tidies the refrigerator. I threw out several weeks' worth of bits-&-pieces of unidentifiable leftovers today. Now that I've taken the trash out, I'm thinking maybe I should have saved a few "specimens" to take to school tomorrow for Micro lab show-&-tell.

Sweeping. With only three people living here now, you'd think there would not be a lot of dirt, hair, dust bunnies, and nastioferous "drift" floating around at floor level. But you'd be wrong. Secretly, I was trying to hold out on this one...see if someone else would notice the filth and pick up a broom. But nasty floors really aren't that big a deal to anyone else in my family...just me. Today, I cracked. The floors still need a good mopping, but at least now they are no longer crunchy.

Planned menus and bought and put away groceries. Washed and folded three loads of laundry. Took out two bags of trash. Washed and put away a sink full of dishes.

Now, time to tackle homework, prep for tomorrow's labs, and study for Friday's tests. If I can stay awake and concentrate, that is.

As I was folding a load of laundry this afternoon, I got to thinking: "I need a wife!" You know, someone to do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, mop the floors, and cook a hot meal while I'm away at work and school, so I can focus on more important things when I'm at home on my "off" time.

That one silly thought woke an enormous sleeping dragon.

When I was a full-time stay-at-home mom, my work day began when my feet hit the floor in the morning, and it didn't end until long after last little one was snuggled in bed for the night. No "wife" to make sure I had clean underwear or to have a hot meal on the table for me at the end of every day. No time clock on the wall where I could check out after a long, difficult shift. It was exhausting work, but I LOVED my job.

Now that I'm "out," my work/school day begins well before the sun peeps over the eastern horizon, and it doesn't end until my engine putters completely out of steam and I crash into bed, long after the sun has set. Still no "wife" to sweep my floors or buy my groceries, and "a day off" translates into "try to cram a weeks' worth of my old job into my new schedule." This is an exhausting season of life, but you know what? I LOVE what I am doing.

So, I am thankful for time to catch up on chores around the house today, and I am praying I'll be able to stay awake enough and alert enough the rest of this day to get some serious studying done.

And, to all my sisters out there who go hard, day in and day out, with no weekends off, no paid vacations, and no wife -

You

Are

Amazing.

Now, time to make another pot of coffee and tackle Micro.

A SMALL THING

Today, my math teacher dedicated class time to a review session for an upcoming exam. As students filed into the classroom, I took my regular seat at the front row of tables and began unpacking my binder, calculator, etc.

"How was your weekend?" I asked the quiet young woman who sits to my right.

"Pretty good," she nodded. After she arranged her notes, paper, pencil, and calculator on the table in front of her, she stood and pulled a small purple box from her backpack. "Here," she smiled as she set something in front of me.

It was a Valentine card...you know, the little paper kind we used to trade in bulk way back in elementary school. Attached to the card, a small piece of candy.

"Wow!" I picked up the card. "Thank you!" Such a simple thing, and yet it significantly brightened my day this gray, rainy Monday.

Then, my young math neighbor stood and quietly distributed similar Valentines to every single person in the class. A whispered murmur of "Thank you!," "Cool!," "Thanks!" rippled through the room. Finally, she set a last simple Valentine on the teacher's lectern and took her seat.

And then, my teacher entered the room and we reviewed for Wednesday's test.

Fifty minutes later, chairs scraped, zippers zipped, and boots scuffed in the chaos of students leaving for another class. One young man paused at our front table before he headed out the door: "Thank you for the candy." My young friend simply smiled her quiet smile.

Dr. S glanced up from the lectern at the front corner of the room. He cocked his head to one side. "Hey..." My young neighbor turned her attention to him. "Hey..." - a broad smile lit up his face - "Thank you."

A single college professor and a roomful of anxious math students - each of us blessed by one very simple, quiet, unexpected gesture of kindness.

I learned so much more than math in class today.

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 5

A few observations four weeks into my return-to-school adventure...

• I appreciate coffee more.
• I appreciate water more.
• I appreciate wine more.
• I appreciate sleep more.
• I enjoy learning.
• I dislike assignments that must be completed on computers in the library computer lab.
• If a professor says he will be in his office at such-&-such time, and then he is not...grrrr.
• Labs are my favorite classes. :)
• It is a privilege to walk in the shadows of my children here.
• School is a nice break from work; work is a nice break from school.
• I need a housekeeper. And a cook. And a laundress. And someone to shop for groceries and to do all the bazillion and one things I used to do before I started working and going to school.

First round of exams begins next week. Wish me well!

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 4

I slept in until 7:00 this morning. Usually, I'm up at 5:00 a.m. ...or earlier. Today, the sun stood well above the eastern horizon when I rolled out of bed, bright daylight on white snow.

I spent the entire day in my pajamas. I don't know if I have ever spent an entire day in my pajamas before in my life. (Maybe one or two days when I was sick?) Usually, I am up and dressed before dawn.

I spent almost the entire day on the sofa. Read Chapter 1 out of my Anatomy & Physiology textbook, dozed, up long enough to cook and eat lunch and start a load of laundry, back on the sofa to review concepts and vocabulary. Now, tapping away on the computer. Need to cook dinner and make progress in A&P Chapter 2 before I call it a day. Do NOT need to change before I head to bed. Win!

What I have NOT done today:

Cleaned the bathroom.

Mopped the floors.

Taken out the trash.

Put away the laundry. (I'll get around to it!)

Guess I'm making the adjustment to college-student life pretty well.

I shared earlier this week on Facebook, but want to share again here at the blog, a few of the challenges I've encountered as a non-traditional student:

1. Keeping a straight face when professors make comments like, "You probably covered this in high school, but I want to do a quick review." Two of my professors have apologized to their classes for a beginning-of-semester chemistry review. Apologized! Are you serious?! "I'm sorry if you find this boring or repetitive, but..." The last time I studied chemistry was 35 years ago. Sister, I NEED this review. DO NOT APOLOGIZE!

2. Climbing four flights of stairs and NOT wheezing like a geezer at the top. I begin each math class hoping that my instructor will not call on me for at least the first 10 minutes of class. I need time to catch my breath. Obviously, I also need to make hiking to the fourth floor of Humanities multiple times three days a week part of my routine fitness regimen.  Man, by the end of the semester, I'd be a BEAST!

3. Going three hours without a bathroom break. Folks, at 54 years of age, after seven pregnancies and after giving birth to seven babies, this is SERIOUS. On Facebook, folks assured me that, in college, it is okay to leave the classroom if need to use the restroom. NOT. For two reasons: first off, I cannot overstate how badly I need this chemistry review; second, despite the fact that all of my professors are younger than I am (one is literally young enough to be my child), I am confident that any one of the three would nail me to the wall if I stood up to leave the room during lecture.

4. Remembering where you parked the car when you come out of class. Two days a week, I ride to campus with my daughter. I LOVE carpooling. I love the conversation, the music jam sessions, the stops for coffee...and I especially love that it's her job to remember where the car is parked. She's really good at that.

Me, not so much. Fridays, I drive myself to campus. I came out of my last class this past Friday and had a mini panic attack when I realized I had absolutely NO IDEA where I had parked the van. Across from Administration? Behind the library? Next to the University Center? Almost a thousand commuter parking spaces on the UTM campus, and I had no idea which one I had parked in that morning.

Thankfully, by the time I finished studying the afternoon away in the library, most of the other students had left campus. When I stood and began putting my books away, I glanced out the second-floor library windows and spotted my lonely van waiting far away at the end of the lot beside the UC. (Thank you, Jesus!)

Lesson learned, fellow non-traditionals:

STUDY.

Studying late each afternoon helps you find your vehicle when you forget where you parked that morning.

Plus, studying just might make it easier to dredge up some of that chemistry you learned 35 years ago.

THE BEST KIND OF FRIENDS

Bathed in prayer.

That's about the best way I can think to describe the past several months of my life.

Just over two years ago, a couple of friends and I began meeting together every other week to pray for one another. There is something incredibly soul-strengthening about hearing a sister pray your name out loud to the Father. Those coffee shop prayer meetings have been life-changing for me.

Praying friends are the best kind of friends.

Recent posts here at the blog have been about my journey to return to school to pursue a degree in nursing. Every single step of that journey has been prayed over by sisters who know and love me well. Week after week, they have taken my questions, doubts and struggles straight to the throne room of God; week after week, we have rejoiced together at the amazing way God has answered those prayers.

But last time we met, it wasn't the prayers for my family or prayers about school or work that touched my heart the deepest. It was a prayer that I had not even requested:

"God, as she is busy with the demands of work and school and family, please give Camille time in her schedule to write."

This friend understands how important writing is to me and has often encouraged me to develop and use this gift. I haven't mentioned my writing in months at our little prayer meetings - too preoccupied with more pressing matters - but my faithful friend has not forgotten. Her unsolicited prayer assured me that God has not forgotten either.

Praying friends...these are the best kind of friends.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. - Matthew 18:20

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 3

In NURSING SCHOOL, PART 1, I shared how God removed multiple hurdles to pave the way for me to go to school. At the end of that first post, one hurdle remained...

When I started my new job last summer, I had two financial goals:

• Build an emergency fund for medical expenses in case my youngest or I ever need to see a doctor.
• Save to purchase a reliable vehicle. (Currently, I drive my middle daughter's van, which she will need back when she and her family return from Japan later this month. When the van is not available, my father-in-law has offered to let me drive his farm truck until I can save up enough for my own set of wheels.) 

Saving pretty much everything I made, I checked the first goal off in four months. Then, I began working on Goal #2.

Paying for school was NOT one of my financial goals. Last summer, school had not even crossed my mind. Then came that conversation in the library with my friend, and a seed was planted.

After clearing all previous hurdles, finally convinced that this school thing was something God really meant for me to pursue, I registered for spring classes.

"Now, God, how am I supposed to pay for this?"

I had until the Tuesday before classes started to pay fees. If God didn't make something plain to me by then, I would lose my classes. I had to depend on God to keep opening the doors.

I re-evaluated my financial situation. Since starting the new job, I have saved almost everything I've earned. What if I saved only half of each paycheck?

Well, it would take much longer to save for a vehicle, for starters. Since I'll be using my father-in-law's truck, will he mind? I do not want to presume upon his generosity.

Will half my paycheck be enough to cover fees?

I crunched the numbers. If I applied every single dollar I made at work to school fees, it would just barely cover tuition. What about books? What about transportation/gas? What about unexpected expenses?

"God, if this is really what You want me to do, You are going to have to make a way for it to work."

I prayed and waited, crunched the numbers again, prayed and waited. Every time I checked into my UTM account, I was chagrined by the bright red ! and the notice that I needed to pay fees in order to confirm my classes so that I wouldn't be dropped.

"God? Are you sure this is what you want me to do?"

Then, an unexpected grant that covered almost a quarter of my fees, making my balance considerably lower. I crunched the numbers again.

"God?"

Then, my son-in-law gifted me with the loan of a wealth of textbooks for Anatomy & Physiology and Microbiology.

School looked almost possible.

!

"God?"

"Mom, don't worry about a vehicle or gas. I'll cover that. We can carpool." Mondays and Wednesdays, my youngest and I have classes at the same time. Fridays and work days, I can borrow the van or the truck.

!

"God?"

I received a card two weeks ago. On the front, in big letters: "THANK YOU."

Inside: "Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday for the next few years..." The sender had heard that I was thinking about going back to school. He went on to say that since I helped him with his education when he was a young man, he wanted to help me pursue my education now. This unexpected benefactor and his wife had created a fund to help offset my school fees. (I am stunned, humbled and grateful.)

The ! is gone from my account now.

Classes began last Friday, and we hit the ground running. I am going to have to work my tail off to keep up, folks, but I am so excited - this is going to be an awesome semester!

God is so very gracious to this timid daughter of his. I keep coming back - "God?" - and He keeps saying, "Yes, I'm right here."

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 2

In my last post, I shared how God opened doors and cleared hurdles on my journey toward nursing school. One reason I am writing about this journey here at the blog is to document - for myself, so I won't forget - all the incredible things I have seen God do over the past couple of months. I ended that last post with one hurdle standing. But before I tell you how God cleared that hurdle, I want to share...

Over and over through this months-long process, I have thought: "This is crazy. It doesn't make any sense. I am too old to go back to school. I'll be retirement age before I even graduate!" And over and over, I have thought: "God, do I understand you right? Do I even need to be pursuing this? Am I completely nuts?!"

And over and over again, this:

One day in town, I met a man - a complete stranger - who began chatting to me about his family: "My wife went back to school recently, says it's the best decision she ever made. She absolutely loves her job now. When I asked her if she had any thoughts of retiring any time soon, she said, 'No way!'"

"That's awesome," I replied. The fellow looked about my age, so I assumed his wife was about my age, too. "If you don't mind my asking, how old was your wife when she went back to school?"

"She was 55 when she went back to school. Took her several years to finish, but she stuck in there and got it done."

"Wow, that's incredible. What did she study?"

"Nursing. Loves it. She absolutely loves it."

This man had never met me, knew nothing about me. He had no idea I was thinking about going back to school, no idea I was thinking about studying nursing, too. No idea that that particular morning, I was on the verge of talking myself out of the whole crazy idea. It was like God put us in the same place, at the same time, for some kind of divine appointment.

ME: "Are you sure this is what you want me to do, God? I'm too old for this. This is crazy! Are you sure?"
GOD: "Yes. I'm sure."

Then there was the time I sat in Julie's chair at the salon. A middle-aged man came in and sat down across from me to wait his turn for a haircut. He was wearing scrubs.

"Do you work at Baptist?" I asked in an effort at conversation.

"Yes, I'm a nurse." He went on to explain how, after decades at a factory job, he decided to go back to school to study nursing. "Best decision I ever made. I love my work," he offered. "In fact, I'm planning on going back to school to take even more classes in the spring. I love this field, and I want to learn more."

This man had never met me, knew nothing about me. He had no idea I was thinking about going back to school, no idea I was thinking about studying nursing, too. No idea that that particular afternoon, I was on the verge of talking myself out of the whole crazy idea. It was like God put us in the same place, at the same time, for some kind of divine appointment.

ME: "Are you sure this is what you want me to do, God? I'm too old for this. This is crazy! Are you sure?"
GOD: "Yes. I'm sure."

Friends, this exact scenario has played out half-a-dozen times over the past six weeks. Every time my confidence has flagged, God has created a "divine appointment" to tell me again, "Yes. I'm sure."

God is so very kind and patient with this timid daughter of his.

I'm not sure where this will lead, but I am certain God wants me to take the next step forward. Timid or not, I will take it.

Now, about that last hurdle...

NURSING SCHOOL, PART 1

It's been rather quiet here at the blog. Life's been....interesting.

A month and a half ago, I shared how a friend challenged to me to imagine possibilities, rather than to think only in terms of impossibilities. (You can read that post here: UN-LEARNING "NO".) So, I've been imagining possibilities, and pushing into them. Today, and in the next few posts, I want to share some of what that process has looked like for me.

* * *

Beth had heard about my new job at the hospital, working as an assistant in the lab. "How's that going?" she asked.

"I absolutely LOVE it!" I exclaimed. "Even on my worst days, I still think, Man, I love my job!"

"So, have you given any thought to doing more, taking this job to the next level?" she asked. "Have you thought about maybe going back to school?"

"At my age?" I looked at Beth in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

I have never felt like a college degree was necessary for my success or happiness. Nor have I ever entertained any desire to pursue a professional career. I'm a mom and a writer; I am truly happy with that. Now, I also work at the lab; I like that, too. That really is enough for me. Besides, if I went back to school, I'd be nearly 60 years old by the time I graduated - ridiculous!

That's when Beth challenged me to think in terms of possibilities, instead of dismissively insisting that further education was ridiculous and impossible.

Beth's suggestion incubated several days before I gave it serious thought. Hmmm, what might I be interested in studying, IF I went back to school? What kind of programs are available in my area? How long do they take? How much do they cost? What difference would a degree make in my job options, my quality of life, etc.?

I prayed. "God, this idea is completely ludicrous. If this is something you want me to pursue, you are going to have to make that perfectly clear to me. And, you are going to have to work out all the details."

I started poking around online, made some phone calls to schools, talked to coworkers at the hospital. A seed began to grow. "IF I went back to school, given education options available locally, I think I might want to study nursing. BUT..."

And I had a long list of Buts.

First hurdle: could I go to school AND continue working at the lab? If my work schedule did not allow time for classes at the local university - or - if my class schedule did not allow me to be a useful employee at the lab, school was a No-Go. I seriously love my job - I am not quitting my job to attend classes, no way.

I needed to talk to my supervisor at work. I knocked on Mrs. Linda's door, certain she would think I was out of my ever-loving mind. "Mrs. Linda, can I talk to you about something?"

Well, not only did Linda NOT think I was crazy for entertaining the notion of going back to school, she encouraged the idea enthusiastically! She assured me that schedule conflicts would not be an issue: "When you know your class schedule, get back with me and we'll figure out a compatible work schedule. I'm really excited for you!"

But the work-school hurdle was only the first of many hurdles. School was still a long way from GO.

Second hurdle: would the university credit previous coursework from when I was a teenage college student, way back in the Paleolithic Age? I have 169 credit hours of college classes, folks, and I absolutely refuse to take another English composition, world history, or calculus class. If the university would not apply previous general education credits, school would be a No-Go. "God, if this is something you want me to do, you are going to have to work out the details concerning my previous coursework."

I met with an adviser at the University, who looked over my written-with-a-quill-pen-on-parchment transcripts. "Mmmm. Well, before you apply for our program, it looks like you'll need to take..."

We haggled. We pulled up college catalogs from the archive databases of schools I previously attended. I developed a tense online relationship with folks at the registrar's office.

After a harangue of transcript evaluations, emails, and phone calls, I received the university's verdict: all of my previous coursework relevant to the university's nursing program would be credited toward my.degree. The only classes I needed in order to be eligible to apply to the nursing program were two semesters of anatomy & physiology and one semester of microbiology.

"You can take those classes next year, take your admission test next winter, then possibly enter our nursing program the fall of 2020," my adviser suggested.

Hurdle #3: if I have to wait a year and a half to begin, school is a No-Go. I am no spring chicken, friend, and I'm not getting any younger. If the ball doesn't start rolling right away, there's a good chance I'll die of old age before I have time to complete a degree!

"What if I take A&P1 and Micro in the spring, then A&P2 in the summer?" I asked my adviser. "If I do that, I can begin the nursing program next fall."

She wasn't optimistic. "A&P is not always offered during summer term. Besides, you'd still have to take the nursing school entrance exam. For admission fall 2019, the entrance exam is next month. Slots fill up quickly, and there may not be any spots left."

I checked with the biology department. Yes, they were planning to offer A&P2 during the summer 2019 session. That left...

Hurdle #4: Nursing School Entrance Exam. I haven't taken an exam in almost 30 years, so this hurdle kind of freaked me out. I looked at sample exams online: the English and math components would be a piece of cake, thanks to homeschooling my kids; the science component, however, was heavily A&P-based, and this was a class I had never taken.

I clicked on the link to register for the exam online: one slot available in December, and it just happened to be on a day I wasn't scheduled to work at the hospital. "God, you got this covered, too?" I paid the fee, but a knot of doubt tightened in my stomach.

God laid that doubt to rest: I scored well above the cut-off score required for admission to the nursing program. Relieved and elated, I ran from the testing center straight to my adviser's office and laid the test results on her desk. She looked up at me and smiled.

Now, only one hurdle left...