THE LIES THAT BIND

It's been nice sleeping in later than 5:00 most mornings the past couple of weeks. Eighteen more days until June classes begin...

The women at FPC began a study of 1 Peter last night. Our hope is that this time together in God's Word will help us to know him better, and that by knowing God better, we will understand ourselves better and will be transformed more into his likeness.

And yet, there is this thin line of tension some of us feel as we begin...

Some of us know from experience that when we commit to spending more time in diligent study of God's Word, Satan will create opposition. He will try to distract us or knock us out.

Peter begins his letter by writing about "living hope" and the power of God that keeps us, and then he jumps quickly to the topic of trials.

While it is a very good thing to be in God's Word, it is a very hard thing to be the target of the enemy's malice. We should earnestly desire to know God better, but we would be naive to think that pursuit of God comes without cost.

I am thankful Peter anticipates difficulties and trials and offers encouragement at the outset.

And I am thankful to be in this study of 1 Peter, in this place, at this time.

* * *

My mom once told me I was very "black and white," "all or nothing." I tended to see things as entirely one way or the other: good, or bad; sweet, or sour; happy, or sad; right, or wrong; love, or hate. No gray area in between.

For the most part, Mom was right.

However, I have been learning over the past several years - and it has not been an easy learning - I have been learning that life is so much more complicated than simple black and white, that it is possible to feel very contrary emotions - all at the same time - about a particular person, event, or situation.

This enormous complexity has not been easy for me to wrap my brain around. It has been even more challenging for my heart.

I have learned that...

It is possible to genuinely love someone, and yet acknowledge deep hurt at their hands; that thick scars and buried anger interlace sweet memories and a genuine desire for good.

Difference of opinion does not equal disrespect.

The things that give me the greatest delight often cause me the greatest pain.

I can be genuinely happy and thankful about something, and yet also feel sadness and remorse.

A simple example...

I am truly thankful for my job: I love my work; I enjoy my co-workers; I appreciate the income and am thankful it pays for school.

- AND -

Sometimes, my job makes me very sad: I will not get to worship with my church family this Sunday; I missed time with my son when he was home last month; some patient encounters bring me to tears.

I love my job and I love being back in school, but there are some things about work and school that I hate, particularly the constraints on my time. Love and hate, tangled up together inside my straining heart.

To claim the good and not the bad, to pretend that one is true and not the other, that would be dishonest. It would be lying to myself and to the people around me.

And we know who is the author of lies.

Peter says the living out of our faith will not be without trials. My mind and my heart are a battleground.

Satan would convince me that life's battles are won by affirming only the happy and denying the sad, by insisting - to myself and others - that "I am fine," when in fact I am struggling.

Satan is the father of lies.

God is a God of truth - all truth - both happy, pretty truth AND sad, ugly truth.

Today, I want to live honestly - to appreciate all that is good, lovely, joyful and sweet - AND - to grieve all that is less-than, broken, painful and bitter.

Both.

* * *

I think many of us tend to err on one of two sides: "It's all good!" or "It's all bad (frown emoji)."

What I am trying to say today is...whatever our personal tendencies, we must endeavor to be honest, and to tell the whole truth - not just our favorite side of the truth - first to ourselves and then to others.

Lies bind us; truth sets us free.

I will run in the way of your commandments for you set my heart free. Psalm 119:32

SUCH TENDER LOVE!

On the drive to church this morning, I was praying for my children and for the children of several friends of mine. My greatest desire for these young people is for God to capture their hearts.

For my children to be made spiritually alive...only God can do that. My children can't do that for themselves. I can't do it for them. God, only God, gives life. And so I pray to God, day after day, week after week, pleading with him to do just that.

But sometimes, I grow discouraged. Like the weary prophet, I find myself praying, "Oh, Lord, how long?!" This morning, my heart felt so heavy.

* * *
Sunday school this morning, our lesson topic: GRACE. Salvation is a gift from God. He plans, purposes, initiates, and accomplishes my salvation. It is God's work, from beginning to end, and not my own (nor my kids').

And then worship...

Our Call to Worship this Sunday morning: "For I will pour out water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit on your offspring; and my blessing on your descendants." - Isaiah 44:3

And then our Responsive Reading, which included this passage: "And your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams; even on my male servants and female servants in those days I will pour out my Spirit..." - from the prophet Joel

* * *
It's like God knows the cares of my heart, and He speaks directly to them. Oh, how tender and compassionate God's love toward this frail woman!

God is faithful, and He is so very good.

In the face of this kind of love, I am undone. Care gives way to worship and praise.

IT'S IN OUR BLOOD

Something I have learned in my brief time at the lab: our blood is an inescapable, irrefutable, living testimony to our brokenness.

We are all sinners living in a sinful world. Anyone who would assert otherwise has not worked with blood or is terribly self-deceived.

Partied too hard last weekend? It's in the blood.
Been sleeping around? It's in the blood.
Overindulging in food? It's in the blood.
Not eating enough? It's in the blood.
Harboring bitterness? It's in the blood.
Chronically fearful and anxious? It's in the blood.

Sometimes, the brokenness of our parents and grandparents even shows up in our blood, passed down like a family heirloom. How it grieves me to realize that my own brokenness has most likely been passed on to the people I love most!

Our blood is with us our whole lives -from before we are born until we die - testifying against us, even as it sustains life. Even if our lives look pretty and like we have everything together, even if we look morally and socially competent, even if we truly believe we are "enough" - our blood screams that we are fallen, guilty, broken, lacking.

Our blood, so essential and so dear to us, testifies against us. Like Lady Macbeth, wringing our hands, we cry: "Out, damn'd spot!" But to no avail.

* * *

All those bloody passages in the Old Testament...the human carnage, the animal sacrifices, the sprinkling and pouring of blood ALL OVER EVERYTHING...these passages have long been difficult for me.

And the cross...SO MUCH BLOOD.

Grieved by the bloodshed, I have wondered, "Why, God? Why so much blood?! Couldn't there have been a less traumatic way to save your people?"

But since I began working in the lab, I see blood - and all the bloody Scripture - in a completely different light.

Since the Fall, the blood of every single person has testified: Guilty!

Every single person but one.

One man lived and walked on this earth with perfectly clean, healthy, righteous, holy blood. ONE man.

That one man, knowing that one day I would stand before a holy, righteous, perfect God, to whom I must give an account...that one man understood that no matter how good I looked on the outside, no matter how good I talked game, no matter what glowing testimony others gave in my defense, my blood would give irrefutable evidence of my unholiness, and I would be condemned.

That one man poured out his perfect blood, opened his veins and said to me, "I will take your blood. Here, you take mine."

And that blood - his blood - testifies on my behalf, now and forever:

Redeemed. Righteous. Beloved.

Why so much blood? Because sin is in our blood, and only sinless blood can save us.

I get that now, with every needle stick and every tube I draw. I get that now in a way I never did before.

* * *

"...you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ..." 1 Peter 1:18-19

VERY WELL CONTENT

Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something?

Wednesday evening, I finished reading Rosaria Butterfield's book The Gospel Comes with a House Key: Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in Our Post-Christian World. HIGHLY recommend, not because we should all be and live just like the Butterfields, but because Rosaria challenges readers to think outside our comfort zones. We all need that kind of challenge occasionally, to expose our blind spots and shake us from our complacency.

On my Author Facebook page, I shared this quote from Rosaria's book:

"Grace does not make the hard thing go away; grace illumines the hard thing with eternal meaning and purpose. Grace gives you company in your affliction, in Christ himself and in the family of God."

(Amen, and amen! After a difficult week, my body and heart weary, I wonder again how on earth people negotiate the grit of this life without Jesus. I cannot imagine. And can I say right here HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN CHRIST, those faithful friends who pray for me and with me when I am afflicted and distressed, and how thankful I am for a sweet Christian counselor who shares my burdens every week?! Thank you, Jesus, that you do not save us to do this life alone. Thank you that you saved us into a family of faith!)

So, as I was saying, Wednesday, I finished Rosaria's excellent book.

Yesterday, Thursday, I sat on the front porch swing and prayed for inspiration for next week's article for the newspaper. Prayed and swayed, listened to the birds, watched the grandkids playing in the yard, sipped my tea, prayed and swayed.

God brought this verse to mind: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," Philippians 4:13.

I thought about the week just past, its challenges, frustrations, and hurts. And I thought about how often I've tried to use Phil. 4:13 as a mantra against hardship, failure, heartbreak, and defeat. As if emphatically praying "I can do all things" guarantees me success, victory, peace, joy.

I thought about Paul, writing those great words of encouragement even as he was under house arrest, facing a trial and, if convicted, death. "I can do all things." Paul wasn't saying God would save him from persecution and an unjust death. He was saying, "With Christ, whether I live or die, I am well content."

My weekly newspaper column is not a religious column. It is a general interest column. But thinking about my own struggles this past week - and the struggle to rest well in Jesus in the midst of them - and thinking about the daunting, real-life struggles faced by so many of my readers, I wrote about Philippians 4:13, about being content in Jesus, even when life hurts.

I saved my first draft of the article, unsure if I would submit it for next week's column. Really, God? Is this what you want me to write?

And then this morning, over on her Author Facebook page, Emily Akin shared this blog post by Lynn Dove: Most Misinterpreted Scripture Verses - Philippians 4:13. Given that I had just written an article about the same passage the day before, I clicked on the link. I was curious to read Lynn's perspective on this often misused verse.

Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something?

Rosaria Butterfield's book -
An article composed on a porch swing -
A blog post shared by a friend -

Sometimes, when I am particularly weary and sore, I am tempted to wonder if God really loves me. But when He speaks with such precision into the details of my life - and does so over and over again - I cannot long entertain such foolish thoughts.

Yes, He loves me.

And with that, I am very well content.

* * *

"...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned to secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11b-13

HOW BIG IS THIS SALVATION?

"Son," he said, "ye cannot in your present state understand eternity...That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even the agony in to a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say, 'Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences,' little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin.

"Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven; the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness.

"And that is why...the Blessed will say, 'We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven,' and the Lost, 'We were always in Hell.' And both will speak truly." - C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

* * * 

If I believe that Jesus redeems me and saves me for the eternity which yawns on the other side of this life - and He does - that is a glorious promise and a great assurance.

But I need more.

If I believe that Jesus redeems me and saves me today, when I have today injured another image-bearer, fallen yet again into that old sin, doubted the great promise that God truly forgives and truly loves the repentant sinner - and He does - that gives me comfort and healing and hope. Even as I fall broken at the foot of the cross for the umpteenth time, it gives me strength to stand and face a new day with the confidence that "Yes, Lord, I am yours, beloved and secure. Help me today to think and speak and live as befits a daughter of the King."

But I need more.

What about yesterday? What about last month? last year?

What about the decades of sin, my own and those committed against me? What about the hurt and the hard layers of scar tissue, running deep in my soul? What about sin-twisted coping mechanisms, learned over a lifetime, so well practiced now that they are reflex and I have little, if any, conscious awareness of them?

When I look back, I am deeply grieved by my own brokenness and by how my brokenness has shattered others.

What about the PAST, Lord: Is it too late to save what has already been? The pages are turned; the story is told - how can what has already been written be saved and sanctified for your glory and for my good and the good of the people I love?

Does the Gospel have power to redeem the past?

My story - The Story of Camille - began 54 years ago in a small hospital in rural Northwest Tennessee. Actually it began before that, with a young country lawyer and a pretty preacher's daughter. No...go back further, to that preacher and the strong-willed, strong-boned woman he married, and hundreds of miles away, to the hog farmer and his schoolteacher wife.

No, further still...

To German and Scots-Irish immigrants who, desperate for religious freedom and a future, braved an unknown continent on the far side of the sea...

Further...

Go WAY back, as far back as, well, as forever...

Ephesians 1:4 tells me that God was writing My Story "before the foundation of the world."

Long before my story became My Story some 54 years ago, as far back as the dawn of time and then further, it was God's Story, the one He began writing before my first ancestor walked this earth. That means...

Before the first page of My Story was written, there was the mercy of God, wrapped up in the Gospel, the One Great Story, of which My Story is simply a re-telling.

All of my past - the good and the bad, the bright and the broken, the joyful and that which causes me deep, deep sorrow - God has been writing all of it all along, and through ALL of it, He has been weaving the beautiful, unifying, redeeming theme of his glorious Gospel.

So, back to my question: Can the Gospel redeem and sanctify my past?

YES.

Because God's Story, the Gospel, is older than My Story, and its life-giving blood pulses through ALL of My Story, past-present-future, beginning to end.

I needed to take a few minutes to remember that today.

* * *

I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. - Jeremiah 31:3

OTHERWORLDLY LOVE

"For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:7-8

Here is an amazing thing: God did not wait for us to clean up our act before He chose to love us; He pursued us not because we ran toward him, but because we ran away from him.

Here is another amazing thing: God does not stop loving us and pursuing us when we wipe out in epic ways. When we try to slink away to shadowy places, into dark caves of sin, shame, and guilt, He STILL loves us - and He comes after us.

God does not love his people because we are good; He loves us because He is good.

He does not love us because we always do life well; He alone is holy, sinless, perfect, righteous, altogether lovely.

He does not love us because we have great faith, or because our faith never falters; only God is always faithful.

He does not say, "Your sin is no big deal." Neither does He say, "Your sin is so big, I can't deal with it." Rather, He says, "Your sin IS a really big deal; that's why I died for it. I love you enough to address your sin; now, we're going to work through this together."

He does not say, "Your little talent/gift has no value." He says, "This gift is from me. Do not despise it. Invest it for my kingdom."

He does not shame us or treat us like second-class citizens; He calls us his beloved.

God loves his children in an otherworldly way that is unlike any other relationship we will ever experience.

And yet...

He calls us to love just like that...like He loves.

How on earth is that even possible?

To love others like God loves us is possible only to the extent that we understand, believe, and act on what we have experienced ourselves:

We are called to love other people not because they are good, but because we know - we really know - that God is good.

We are called to love other people not because they do life well, but because we know - we personally know, really and truly - the fountainhead of all life.

We are called to love other people not because they share and affirm our own faith experience or because their faith never falters, but because we have seen and experienced the faithfulness of God.

Behold, what manner of love the Father has given unto us...that through us, He might pour out his pursuing, bloody-messy, redeeming, faithful, abundant love into the lives of those around us.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 1 John 4: 10-11

BACK TO THE BASICS

"There is absolutely no shortcut to holiness that bypasses or gives little priority to a consistent intake of the Bible." - Jerry Bridges, The Pursuit of Holiness

God is holy. If we want to grow in holiness, we can only do so by growing in our knowledge of and in our relationship to our holy God.

While a general, vague knowledge of God is available to us through observation of the created world, God reveals himself to us explicitly through his written Word. Time spent in God's Word is time spent in God's presence. If we desire to grow in holiness - in obedience and likeness to our Creator and Savior - we must spend time consistently in Scripture.

In an age of magic diet drinks, fitness-while-you-sleep programs, get-rich-quick schemes, and "3 Easy Steps to Instant Success!," ordinary means of grace and growth and ordinary obedience seem pretty radical.

Why is it so difficult for us to do the simple thing that God asks?

A young friend complained to me recently: "I can't afford to tithe."

Familiar with this person's challenging financial situation, I replied: "You can't afford NOT to tithe."

I have witnessed people struggle for years financially, all-the-while commenting that "Once I get things straightened out" or "Once I get past this crunch I'm in" they would give to kingdom work. I am all-to-familiar with this trap, because I have spent way too much time there myself!

And yet, Scripture is clear that tithing is the beginning of financial discipline and freedom - the very same financial discipline we need if we're to dig out of this hole, weather that next crisis, etc. To presume that we can figure out how to manage God's money well (because it IS all God's) without following God's financial guidelines doesn't make sense.

Likewise, determining to lay behind us a particular sinful habit or to develop a particular spiritual discipline before we seek God - in his Word and in prayer - makes no sense. It is foolish to think we can conquer sin or pursue holiness without a knowledge of God, as He reveals himself in Scripture, and without the presence and power of God's Spirit, promised to us in Scripture, for Scripture is the basis of our entire relationship with God!

So, back to the basics...

Not after we get our lives together, but now, because it is here that we find life.

BRAVE

My children are the bravest people I know.

Of course, none of them are actually children any more. And while I suppose there may be braver people in the world, there are none braver within my circle of intimate acquaintance. By their brave example, my children encourage me to be brave, too.

* * *

When my passel of kids were all very young and I was feeling overwhelmed, I asked a wise older friend, "Does this mom thing ever get any easier?"

Her answer: "Yes, it will get easier...at least physically. You won't always be as exhausted and physically stressed as you are right now. But as your children get older, you will be stressed in different ways. Your body will not be so tired as it is right now, but your heart and your soul will be stretched beyond anything you can imagine."

One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do was give my children the freedom to fail in hugely significant ways. I'm not talking burn-your-hand-on-a-hot-coal or back-the-truck-into-a-fence-post kind of ways, although those were difficult for this mama, too. I'm talking break-your-heart and break-your-body and scar-your-soul kinds of ways. Not refereed tae kwon do sparring on the blue mats at the gym, but no-holds-barred and no end-of-match bell in the fight-cage of life.

This mama gig is hard, people. It's downright terrifying sometimes. I get that - I really do. It knocks you to your knees. As my youngest put it to me recently, "There's nothing like having a bunch of kids to invigorate your prayer life!" Amen, little sister!

Ask any of my kids, "What is your mom's 'Big Three?'" - and they will tell you, "God is sovereign. God is good. And He loves me very much." The Big Three - I believe them, in my head and in my heart, all the way into my very core. YES, I believe that God is sovereign, He is good, and He loves me very much - I really do!

But believing that for myself and believing it where my children are concerned: those are two entirely different things.

In my 53 years, God has taken me to some terrible places, dark places, painful places, scary places, and He has said to me, over and over, "Do you still trust me, Camille? Do you trust me even here?" And in every place God has taken me, He has proved himself trustworthy.

No, I don't particularly want to go back to any of those hard places, but I would not trade the deep soul assurance and peace God worked in me in those places for anything in the world, certainly not for a life of ease or a life free from pain.

But my children, Lord?!

Do you still trust me, Camille? Can you trust me even with your children, even here?

So, to my friend whose beautiful, young (and, yes, vulnerable) daughter is moving halfway across the country (as my own daughter, at a very tender age, headed halfway around the world - God, be merciful to me and to my child! Please, go with her" Stay close!), I want to encourage you: your daughter is stronger than you think. But more important, God is with her, and He is stronger than we can imagine.

Yes, your sweet daughter may get battered, even broken, in the brave living out of her life. But even in the scary broken places, remember (because it's just as true for your daughter as it is for you, dear friend!): God is sovereign, He is good, and his love for your daughter...well, let me put it this way...your love is a drop in the ocean compared to his love for her.

You can trust Him.

And to my friend who is struggling to loosen her protective grasp on her adult son, fearful to give up control of his life - But I know the temptations he will face! What if he falls into gross sin? What if he ruins his finances? What if abandons the faith his father and I have diligently labored to teach him? You don't know the dangers he may face?! The risks are too high...I cannot afford to let him fail! -

Dear friend, your beautiful son is already a man. Give him the freedom to stand or to fall as a man. Yes, he may fall - indeed, he probably will fall. I know the thought of terrifying consequences frightens you - I have sons of my own, and I have known this great fear, too

But I want to encourage you, friend: it is at that place of fiery trial, not under the sheltering protection of your motherly care, that this faith will become his own. It is there that your son will meet God "face to face." It is there that your son will see for himself that God is sovereign, God is good, and He loves his children very much. Would you "protect" your son from that?

You can trust God with your son.

* * *

My children are the bravest people I know. By their lives, they are teaching me to be brave, too - not only for my own sake, but for them, also.

Earlier this week, one of my daughter's posted this on FB: "I want this to be my theme song." Tasha Cobbs, "Break Every Chain." I LOVE IT. Take a few minutes to listen - you'll be blessed.

My theme song for this season of life? "Brave," Sara Bareilles. Turn on the music and dance with me!

("There's nothing like having a bunch of kids to invigorate your prayer life!" Dear sisters, I love you, and I am praying for you and for your children. Mamas, let us be brave. Let us be encouraged: we pray to a God who is sovereign, who is good, and who loves our children very much!)

GRIEVED

I don't know which grieves me most: outright rejection of the gospel by those openly hostile to Jesus, or subtle twisting of the gospel by those who boldly proclaim the good news of salvation in Christ and who "Praise Jesus!" liberally.

Both break my heart.

What do I do with this deep sorrow?

For the first, I pray that God will open the eyes of the unbeliever, that He will show her the beauty of the gospel, that He will grant her faith and true repentance and the joy that comes with full assurance of Christ's sufficient provision for sinners who put their confidence not in anything they are or do, but in him. I plead for the life-giving work of the Holy Spirit in the unbeliever's heart, because only God can raise the dead.

For the second, I pray that God will open the eyes of the unbeliever, that He will show her the beauty of the gospel, that He will grant her faith and true repentance and the joy that comes with full assurance of Christ's sufficient provision for sinners who put their confidence not in anything they are or do, but in him. I plead for the life-giving work of the Holy Spirit in the unbeliever's heart, because only God can raise the dead.

I do not see much difference between No Gospel and Vibrant, Enthusiastic False Gospel. Both are spiritual death.

And so I pray. "God, do what only you can do!"

And I worship. "Thank you, Father, for Jesus. Give me Christ, Christ, Christ ALONE."

HONESTY

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever heard

And mostly what I need from you

- from "Honesty," by Billy Joel

Many moons ago, way back when I was a college freshman, the university I attended took part in a national survey tracking values in young adults. I think when my class took the survey - pages and pages of questions - the project was about ten years into thirty years of data-collection.

We filled out the surveys, and then researchers analyzed our answers to rank our personal values, qualities like love, kindness, strength, integrity, empathy. I still remember my results from that survey: at the very top of my values list was integrity.

My thinking at the time was this: if someone loves me (love was in my top three), but they are not honest with me, if they are untrustworthy, then there really is no security in that love, no solid foundation for that love to endure. Love based on truth, however, is something cosmically powerful.

If someone is kind (kindness was high on my list, too) but lacks integrity, if that kindness is not based on truth and genuineness, then what IS it based on? Is it truly kindness? Or is it some kind of self-serving philanthropy? And can that kindness be trusted?

I don't really think we can rate values 1, 2, 3, certainly not in the sense of this-matters-to-the-exclusion-of-all-else. We should desire and strive to grow in all virtues. Ranking virtues seems like trying to rank which is most important to the health of our physical bodies: food, air, water, rest, relationship. They are all important. Without any one of them, we fail to thrive. Sure, we may be able to survive longer without some than without others, but neglect any of them and eventually our health deteriorates.

Still, I suspect if I filled out that survey again, thirty-five years later, my results would be the same. I see integrity - as in shalom-ness - as the starting point, the place from which all other virtues flow and on which they build. I can trust God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, correction, providence - because with God, there is no shadow or deceit. I can trust Scripture, because it is the Word of God, and God never lies.

One of the kids was talking to me recently about this virtue: "If I am not honest with myself, about myself, how can I grow? If I lack integrity in my relationships with others, how can those relationships have any depth? How can they last? And the thing is, if I am really loved by God and absolutely secure in Christ - and I am - then I have no reason to not be honest and transparent, either with myself or with others. I have nothing to fear."

Oh, how I wish I could walk in full consciousness and full assurance of those words every second of every day!

In "Honesty," Billy Joel sings that it is relatively easy to find tenderness, sympathy, love, friendship, security, comfort. But honesty? It's such a lonely word.

SHARP KNIVES, DULL HEART

Last time my son Benjamin was home for a visit, he sharpened the kitchen knives. The blades are so sharp now they slice through soft bread or the skin of a tomato as easily as through warm butter. I thought my knives were sharp before; now, they cut like razors. I did not understand before how fine a knife edge could be.

My knives were perfectly useful before Ben sharpened them, but I usually opted for a serrated blade to slice bread because a regular blade would smush a soft, warm loaf and even my sharpest knife mangled tomatoes. My dull blades worked more like pointy-edged bludgeons than like proper knives.

I have been learning anew the past several months how razor-fine an edge there is between the Gospel and the Almost Gospel. The true Gospel is, like God's Word, "sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12). The Almost Gospel, on the other hand, is little more than a pointy-edged bludgeon.

A couple of observations:

I am one of those people who is prone to cut myself when I work in the kitchen. I can testify that cutting yourself with a dull knife is very painful. A cut from a razor-sharp blade - you hardly even feel it; in fact, you may not realize there's a cut until you see blood. The first is traumatic and damages surrounding tissue; the other, surgical, precise, clean. A cut from a dull blade takes a long time to heal; the cut from a sharp blade heals much more quickly.

Sort of like the difference between the Almost Gospel and the true Gospel.

I thought my knives were plenty sharp before Ben's visit. I was so wrong! Now that I've used a finely sharpened knife, I realize how atrociously dull they were before.

Which makes me wonder...

Where do I unwittingly reach for the dull blade of the Almost Gospel today, thinking it's plenty good enough to meet my needs, instead of reaching for the razor-sharp blade of the true Gospel?

After some thought, I have come to the conclusion that I am holding onto the Almost Gospel whenever:

• I feel like I have to justify myself to others.
• I insist that others must justify themselves to me.
• I make excuses for or minimize my own sin.
• I talk about and exaggerate the sins of others; I become preoccupied with how others have offended me.
• When confronted about sin in my life, I try to redirect the conversation to how the person confronting me does not measure up to God's standards, either.
• I am slow to repent and ask forgiveness when I wrong another person.
• I demand that another must repent and ask forgiveness from me.
• I am reluctant to examine my past, to deal with past sins for which I have not repented and asked forgiveness.
• I resent the God-appointed consequences of my sin; I insist that those consequences either should not exist or are contrary to the Gospel.
• I am hyper-critical of myself and/or others.
• I feel good about myself only when I am confident I am doing everything right (or at least, doing most things mostly right!)
• I feel negatively towards others when I think they are not doing things right.
• I question another person's salvation when they do not do what I think they should.
• I believe the lie that my personal happiness revolves around another person, instead of Christ.
• .......

Aaaaugh! This list could go on forever! God, have mercy on a sinner like me!

What's to be done with a drawer full of dull kitchen knives? Hand them over to Benjamin, and he will give them back to you sharper than when they were brand new.

What's to be done with a heart full of Almost Gospel? Hand it over to Jesus to file away the dullness that is anything less than the true Gospel: Christ, Christ, Christ alone; Christ in me, the hope of Glory!

What if today I discover that, yet again, I have embraced the Almost Gospel? God tells me that today "is the day of salvation" (2 Corinthians 6:2). This is as true for me, his child, as it is for the person who is hearing the Gospel for the very first time.

Today, Lord, sharpen my heart. Today, Lord, give me Jesus.

* * *

But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. As it is said, "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." Hebrews 3:13-15

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

STAINED GLASS

STAINED GLASS
- originally posted March 30, 2011

Last weekend, I was blessed to attend a women's retreat at Riveroaks Reformed Presbyterian Church. This was a wonderful, fast-paced time of fellowship and study with my sisters from Grace and ladies from other churches in our presbytery. While waiting for one of our sessions to begin, I enjoyed studying the beautiful stained glass window above the pulpit area at the front of the sanctuary. The colors and the detail were gorgeous, a song of worship set in glass, illuminated even on a gray day by the light of the cloud-shrouded sun.

On the sleepy drive back to Obion County Saturday afternoon, I considered that my life - our lives as believers - are not unlike that stained glass window. Bits and pieces of color and light, carefully fitted together into a God-glorifying work of art.

I had recently been thinking about how life is full of unexpected, unimaginable joys and disappointments. Thirty years ago, I could have in no way predicted the path my life would take. As a young high-school graduate, my course was set: I was going to college, first for an undergraduate degree and then for a degree in veterinary medicine. I was going to establish a practice as a vet, specializing in large animal care. At some point, I would marry, and then maybe have two or three kids. La, la, la, la....

Anyone who knows me knows that none of the above actually happened. My life took a very different course. Along that new path - the one I hadn't planned for - God brought me incredible blessings and joys that I could not have even imagined for myself.

He also brought - and brought me through - tremendous heartache. It's as if, on a handful of occasions, He completely shattered my heart. Allowed it to be splintered into a thousand pieces. But, those heartbreaks are being redeemed. I was thinking Saturday, that it's like He's slowly taking the broken pieces and fitting them together into a living portrait of His grace, something even more glorious than that brilliant window in the sanctuary at Riveroaks.

Back home, I thought it would be interesting to do a little research on how stained glass windows are made. And this is where it really gets good...

The glass used in these magnificent windows is not made of bits and pieces of "accidents," broken chips swept up to be recycled. No, the glass is created specifically for each window. First, an artist designs the window. Then, glass blowers painstakingly create the varieties of glass needed, in exactly the colors and weights specified by the artist. The window-maker carefully cuts each piece of glass according to his pattern, and then grinds it to fit precisely into his design. When each piece - created, shaped, and fitted together with incredible care and precision, from beginning to end - is finally in place, the window maker "sets" the glass so that it is strong and structurally sound. Not only are these windows beautiful, they are extremely heavy - but, by the wisdom of their creator, they are designed to support tremendous weight.

God is not about the business of having accidents and then scrambling to clean them up into something that looks intentional. It's not as if He goes, Oooops! I made a mistake. I'm so sorry you're disappointed. - or - I'm so sorry your heart is broken. I didn't mean for that to happen. I will try to find a way to make it better somehow. No, God is not in the business of gluing together broken pieces of the ball He dropped, the fragile pieces of my heart.

Because God never drops the ball.

Rather, God has a plan and a design from the very beginning, from before the foundation of the earth.  And every single thing that comes into my life - from the joy of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7! children, to the grief of shattered relationships - every single thing is a carefully planned and orchestrated part of His design and purpose to create in me a work of art that displays His glory and beauty to the world around me.

The fire of the glass-maker's oven is not an inconvenient consequence of the art of stained glass - it's the deliberate, carefully heated, closely monitored birthplace of something glorious.

A LICENSE TO SHOOT (NOT)

"The gospel is not a license to shoot people." A beloved brother in Christ issued this challenge to me many years ago. It is a challenge that is very difficult to remember in the heat of a Wild West showdown.

How do we use the gospel to "shoot" the people around us?

I use the gospel to justify attacking you personally, with the excuse that I understand God's Word and his purposes better than you do. To use another analogy, I wield right doctrine like a bludgeon, to try to beat some sense into you.

I am not opposed to passionate and animated discussions about matters of faith, but nowhere in Scripture do I read that it is okay to shoot people up or tear people down with my words. When I am engaged in a passionate discussion, or when I am talking about others whose understanding of Scripture is different from mine, do my words, countenance, and body language communicate respect for my fellow Image-bearers?

Yes, we must confront error (and we may get exercised in the process!), but we should endeavor to do so with humility, grace, compassion, and the consciousness that only God can change the hearts of men. When someone confronts me about error in my own life, do I want them to come at me with pistols blazing, like we're engaged in some kind of a Wild West shootout? - or - do I want them to come alongside me as a concerned and loving sister or brother?

It's okay if I mow you down with my words today like I'm firing bullets from the ammo belt of a machine gun; I can ask forgiveness tomorrow. (This is like the fat lady who eats everything she can get her hands on the week before she plans to start a new diet. Been there, done that.)

The thought is, it's okay if I sin against you today - because you made me mad/hurt my feelings/offended me, because I'm having a really bad day, etc. - because I can always ask for your forgiveness tomorrow. Since we're both professing Christians, you have to forgive me, right?, so it'll all be good.

It is true that in Christ, all of my sins are forgiven, the sins I unknowingly commit and the sins I willfully commit, even the sins I have not yet committed! But a right understanding of the gospel never leads to flippancy regarding sin. Rather, the security and freedom that are ours in Christ create in us a desire for personal righteousness and motivate us to put sin to death (Romans 12)!

Because of the magic of the gospel, the bullets I shoot don't cause any real lasting damage: the gospel transforms real bullets - wrong or hurtful things I say about you or do to you - into pretend bullets. If I'm forgiven, it's like those words/actions never happened.

This error (like the one above) springs from a distorted understanding of forgiveness. Scripture commands us to forgive and forget, right? Isn't that what God does with us? Isn't that what we are supposed to do with one another?

In Isaiah 43:25, we read: "I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." Again, in Jeremiah 31:34, we read: "I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."

I sit here this morning fully justified by the work of Jesus on my behalf, fully accepted and wonderfully loved by my heavenly Father, absolutely and completely secure - but not because God forgot that I was angry with my children, that I lied to my husband, that I coveted my neighbor's possessions. The truth is: I was angry with my children; I did lie to my husband; I did covet my neighbor's possessions. To pretend otherwise would be a lie. God does not lie. He does not pretend that what is true is suddenly untrue. God is not a God of make-believe.

God has not forgotten, but He has, praise Jesus!, chosen not to remember. More precisely, God has chosen to not call to account those transgressions: He has forgiven my debt, my account is paid in full, and God no longer keeps the ledger of my sins before him. The beauty of forgiveness is not that God forgets my sins (as if the all-knowing, unchanging God could possibly forget anything), but that He does not bring them to remembrance. Forgetting is passive; remembering, "calling to mind" - or intentionally not remembering, not "calling to mind" - is an action. Forgiveness is not a lapse of God's memory, but a purposeful act of his divine will!

Likewise, God's forgiveness does not mean that I am free from any of the consequences of my sin. God does, however, transform those consequences from an expression of his wrath and judgment into tools used by him for my growth in grace and godliness.

In heaven, my beloved Savior bears in his body evidence of my sin and evidence of his payment for my sin. When I stand in glory, I will not look at Jesus's nail-scarred hands and think, "Well, I wonder what caused those scars?" I know now - and I will know then - what caused those scars, and so does my Lord. The gospel does not remove the scars - it transforms them into something beautiful.

* * *
Are your gospel guns smoking? Do you have an itchy trigger finger? Are you like a middle-school kid shooting buffalo on Oregon Trail, tempted to use the gospel as a license to shoot anything that moves, yet denying the consequences?

I encourage you to take my friend's counsel to heart: "The gospel is not a license to shoot people."

DON'T BURY YOUR BRAIN

"You think too much."

I was not being chastised for being introspective - although I am introspective. I was being chastised for reading.

In an effort to improve my writing, I am attempting to follow the advice of successful writers who graciously share their wisdom with newbies like me. I have read the advice of such gifted writers as J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, and J. K. Rowling, and without exception, every one of them has said: Read. Read lots of books. Read lots of kinds of books.

Stephen King put it bluntly: "You have to read widely...If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that."

But this is not a post about writing, or about reading. It is a post about thinking.

My friend's problem was not particularly with the fact that I was reading: her problem was with what I was reading. If I had been reading the latest New York Times best-seller or a cheesy romance, she would not have been concerned. But my book list included several titles of theology, doctrine, history, biography...you know, heady, brainiac stuff. The kind of books that make a person think.

I did not choose these titles because I naturally prefer this kind of writing. Personally, I love fiction. Fiction goes down easy, like sweet tea on a hot day. Working through even a small volume on some doctrinal issue, however, is for me a slow process that requires great effort. It is work. Brain work.

My friend's point was: Why on earth would I want to exercise my brain - why would I want to do the difficult work of thinking - when there are so many other pleasanter things to do with my time? And furthermore, why would I want to risk the stigma of being identified as a thinker, a nerd, a brainiac, by reading books like that?!

Brace yourself: I'm going to shift gears hard...

Are you familiar with the Parable of the Talents? In Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus tells a parable about three servants whose master went on a journey. Before leaving, he entrusted his property to his servants: to one, he gave five talents; to the second, two talents; and to the third, one talent. These servants were responsible for managing their master's property until he returned.

When the master returned, the first servant, who had invested the money entrusted to him, gave to his master not five talents, but ten. The master was understandably pleased, and rewarded this servant accordingly. The second servant did likewise, presenting his master with not two talents, but four. The master was pleased with this servant, too. The third servant, however, buried the talent entrusted to him and had nothing to hand back to his master upon his return except the one talent he had been given. In this man's case, the master was NOT pleased. Rather than rewarding the servant for at least keeping his one talent safe, the master punished this lazy, cowardly man.

"Well," you ask, "what does all of this have to do with thinking, Camille?"

I'm getting there...

Now, back up a couple of chapters in the book of Matthew. In Matthew 22:36-38 we read -

"And one of them, a lawyer, asked [Jesus] a question to test him. 'Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?' And [Jesus] said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.'" (emphasis added)

Again, over in Luke 10:27, we read: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself."

And in Romans 12:2, we read: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind..."

In 2 Timothy 3, we read about weak women who are easily led astray because they cannot discern truth...they cannot think correctly.

Paul reproves the "foolish Galatians" who are likewise unable to discern truth and who are bewitched by false teachers. Paul challenges them to stop being foolish and to engage their minds!

God, it seems, cares very much about what we do with our minds.

"Where are you going with this?" you ask.

Where I'm going is...

Every thing I possess in this life comes to me from God. Everything. My faith heritage. My family culture. My life experiences. My gifts - writing, speaking, etc. My financial resources. My opportunities. My personality. My body. Everything.

This includes my brain. This includes my mind.

Everything I possess has been given to me by God to be invested for his kingdom. Everything. My desire should be, when He asks, to give everything back to him with interest.

Maybe, like my friend, you think brain work - developing your mind - is a waste of time. Maybe you feel like a five-talent encourager, a three-talent giver and one-talent intellectual...makes sense, then, to focus on encouraging and giving and forget about the mind stuff, right?

Well, No. God commands us to love him with everything we've got - with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind - not just with our favorite things or the things we're good at or the things that come easily to us.

If you feel like you have a one-talent brain, I want to encourage you: invest that one talent well. I don't think God is going to be upset if you don't grow into a Jonathan Edwards or an Albert Einstein, but I do believe He cares very much that you grow.

God doesn't ask you and me to invest the resources He has not given us, but to invest the resources He has given us, all of the resources He has given us, for his kingdom.

So, in response to my friend's indictment - "You think too much." -

No, sweet sister, I do not think nearly enough. But I am laboring to think more.

EVERY IDLE WORD

Today, a re-post, prompted by a conversation with my sweet daughter, and because I need to be reminded...

EVERY IDLE WORD
(originally posted 7/1/15)

But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.  Matthew 12:36-37 (KJV)

The English Standard Version translates this passage: "...on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak..."

Idle words. Careless words. Either way, this is one of the scariest passages in the Bible to me.

I am a writer. I post here at the blog; I produce a weekly newspaper column; I write books; I write devotionals and emails and letters. Lots and lots of words.

As my oldest daughter has accurately observed, concision in not my strong point. You've heard the expression, "Well, to make a long story short...", right? I tend to turn that expression on its head: "Well, to make a short story long..." Why say in a few words what can be expanded to fill an entire page?!

Too many words, and not always handled appropriately.

When I was a girl, my mom frequently challenged me with these words:  "Before you speak, Camille, ask yourself, 'Is what I am about to say true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it helpful?'" Mom understood the weightiness of words. Mom knew that words - even idle or careless words - carry with them eternal consequences.

I still try to ask myself those questions regularly. And I wonder:  How much of the traffic on Facebook and Twitter, in emails and instant messaging, in chat rooms and comment threads - how much of that traffic would be silenced if people paused to consider that one day, they will have to give an account for every word they speak or text or type? What about the hushed head-to-head conversation over coffee with my best girlfriend? What about the phone buzz, or the prayer chain, or the comments bandied around the family dinner table this evening? What if I had to give an account for those words? The truth is: I WILL have to answer for those words, all of them.

Every single idle word.

God has created us and called us to speak. To speak words that are true, and honorable, and just, and pure, and lovely...

Yet I so often run my mouth without engaging either my brain or the filter of Scripture. Aaaaugh! Then, when I realize my folly, I understand Job's lament: "I lay my hand on my mouth!"

"...every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment." Reading those words, my heart trembles.

But then I read...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. - John 1:1-5

Jesus. That most true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable Word. That Word which redeems my filthy heart and mind and mouth, and cleanses me from every idle word I have ever thought or spoken or typed.

All those idle words I have spoken - Jesus is the one Word that silences them all.

The Word which no darkness can overcome.

BEAUTIFUL SECRET

"You should unfold it, Mom. Just for fun." The paper crane arrived in a letter from my son Benjamin. The mail out here in the hills runs slow, so Ben beat his own letter home from school when he came to visit last weekend.

"But I don't want to unfold it," I protested. "I don't want to spoil it."

"You can always refold it again," Ben coaxed. "Go ahead, unfold the crane."

Nine months ago, Benjamin and I sat at the kitchen table folding colorful paper cranes for decorations for a going-away party for my daughter/his twin, Martha. Martha and her little family were moving to Japan. Folding, creasing, mashing, tugging - amazing how stress transformed red and yellow and orange squares into beautiful tiny birds. But that was nine months ago.

"What if I can't remember how to refold it?"

"Then I will help you."

This crane is made of regular white printer paper, instead of colorful origami paper. Ben wrote a Scripture passage on each wing, in tiny black print.

On the crane's left wing: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore, I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear now, and I will speak; I will ask you and you will instruct me.' I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear; but now my eyes see you; therefore I retract, and I repent in dust and ashes." Job 42:2-6

On the crane's right wing: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

In my last post (What Do I Do With the Hurt?), I shared this insight from the large-group leader of the weekly Romans study I attend: "God's perfect wisdom and his plans are above our understanding. Thankfully, we do not need to understand everything in order to trust the God who does."

Funny thing is, while I was preparing for last week's Romans study, I spent a great deal of time meditating on Job's response to God in the face of his own trials. Over and over again, I read through Job 42:2-6...the very same verses Ben had, by some whim, written on the paper crane.

Last week, I also spent a chunk of time considering how God's good work for me and in me and through me are all His work, all for the purpose of His own pleasure and glory. Grace, faith, salvation, even the "good works" that I struggle to do as I live out this faith on planet Earth, these are all gifts from God.

In response to Romans 11:35 - "Or who has given a gift to him [God] that he might be repaid?" - our study notes asked: "What do we have that we can give to God?" The point of the question was: what do we possess, in and of ourselves, that we can give to God, that we did not first receive from God?

One of my classmates answered: "Worship. We give God worship."

"But even that - even our praise and worship - we can only give those things to God because He has first revealed himself to us and has planted praise and worship in our hearts!" I insisted. "In a sense, we don't give God worship or praise; we don't give God anything, because apart from Him, we have nothing. We only give back what God himself has already given us."

Sort of like that verse on the crane's right wing, from Ephesians 2.

My son does not know what I am studying each week in the book of Romans. He does not know the musings of my heart, or the verses I mull over in my head.

But, God knows.

Last week, God prompted Ben to make a little paper crane to tuck into the letter he wrote to his mother. And God prompted Ben to write on the crane's wings His words - God's words - I guess to make sure that I know that He knows the concerns of my heart.

The verses penned on the wings of the crane were timely, precise encouragement. I did not want to waste the labor, to undo the creasing and folding and mashing. I did not want to lose those precious verses. I explained all of this to Benjamin.

My sweet son laughed. "Go ahead. Unfold the crane." His eyes gleamed.

So I unmade the crane.

And I discovered...

Hidden inside the stiff, printer-paper, ink-stained crane, was another crane - so tiny and delicate, no bigger than my thumbnail, clean and white, unstained, like something new born.

It was so beautiful that my heart felt like it was about to burst. GOD IS SO GOOD to me!

Ben had no idea what was in my head and in my heart last week. But God did.

I admired the tiny crane for a minute, then turned to my son. "Will you help me now?"

"Yes," Ben smiled.

Together, very carefully, we folded the sturdy Word-of-God paper around the beautiful, fragile secret hidden inside.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THE HURT?

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

"For who has known the mind of the Lord,

or who has been his counselor?"

"Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"

For from him and through him and to him are all things.

To him be glory forever. Amen.

- Romans 11:33-36

* * *

At our Romans study this past Thursday, our large-group leader observed that "Right theology produces doxology. A high view of God produces heartfelt praise."

Kathy continued: "God's perfect wisdom and his plans are above our understanding. Thankfully, we do not need to understand everything in order to trust the God who does." Then, because she is good at challenging us to apply doctrine to everyday life, Kathy asked, "How do you respond to things that come into your life that you don't understand? Do you worship God (like Paul did in these verses)? Or, do you turn your prayers into opportunities to complain?"

(I don't think I've shouted it into the blog-o-sphere yet this week, so let me do it now: I LOVE THIS STUDY OF THE BOOK OF ROMANS! Now, back to this blog post...)

Am I a worshiper? or a complainer?

I've been through a rough season lately, fraught with much that I do not understand. I have not doubted God's sovereignty or goodness, but I have frequently wondered, "Lord, what on earth is going on here? What are you doing?!"

Sadly, many of my prayers have been complaining prayers:
"God, this is such an atrocious mess. Why don't you just fix everything?"
"Lord, convict ---- of sin and grant them true repentance!"
"God, plead my case on my behalf! Why do you remain silent?"
"Lord, what am I supposed to do with all this hurt?!"

And in response to my complaining prayers, God has brought to mind verses such as...

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust" (Matthew 5:43-45).

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you...love your enemies, and do good...Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:29, 35a, 36).

"See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God is Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:15-18).

Over the past several weeks, God, in his great mercy, has redirected my prayers from a preoccupation with my own wounds, to genuine concern and compassion for those who have wounded me. And, as is so often the case in God's upside-down economy, I find that while I have been praying for those who have hurt me, God has been quietly healing my heart.

I still do not understand God's plans in this particular situation - I am completely baffled - but the kindness and tenderness with which He has met me during this trial has transformed my prayers of complaining into prayers of heartfelt worship and praise. God faithfully speaks into the details of my life with such precision, and He continually draws me closer to him. God is SO GOOD.

This morning, a friend shared on Facebook an article by Jonathan Parnell - "When God Calls You Out" - posted over at Desiring God Ministries. Jonathan writes: "God brings trials into our lives to give us more of himself. Their purpose is that we might not rely on ourselves - not look to ourselves for salvation or hope or joy - but that we might rely on him. The purpose is that we would lean on God, that we'd fix our eyes on his glory, clinging to the truth that in Jesus he is always enough for us. Always." (Read Jonathan's entire article HERE.)

In place of the hurt, God has given me himself.

And He is enough.

Always.

THE NEEDY

"I want someone to see and acknowledge the truth. I want to be vindicated!" Finally, it felt like I was getting to the root of my disquiet.

I was tired of being misunderstood, misrepresented, and maligned. I was tired of the manipulation, dismissive-ness, and relational ineptitude. I was tired of the duplicity, the emotional jockeying, the scripted dialogues, and the verbal power plays.

Such unpleasantness is not to be unexpected in this life, but still, I was so very tired of it all.

I am thankful for friends who consistently point me back to Jesus. "And, yet, look at Jesus. He was misunderstood and misrepresented. He was lied about and abused. Even when no one understood or appreciated him or what He was doing, He faithfully persevered at the work God sent him to do. He kept pouring himself out for sinful people like us, even when no one defended him." Everyone needs a friend like my friend Carol.

Because God loves to speak with precision into my daily struggles, He had me read this the morning after the above conversation:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you" (Matthew 6:1-4).

Ouch.

I have always thought of this passage in terms of material giving: money, food, clothing, school supplies, transportation, childcare, etc. Physical things to meet the physical needs of the physically poor people around me. And surely, this passage is referring to these very practical physical needs and gifts.

But last week, on the heels of my expressed frustration and my friend's admonition, this passage took on a much broader meaning.

"...when you give to the needy..." Who are the needy? Can this passage also refer to emotional/relational "gifts" to meet the emotional/relational needs of the emotionally/relationally poor people around me?

There are those - like me - who feel compelled to justify everything they say or do, people so vulnerable and insecure that they feel unworthy to be loved unless they convince the people around them that they are in the right and that all others are in the wrong when they encounter differences in thought and experience.

There are those - I struggle against this temptation myself - who believe that God's grace is big and wonderful and free...for ME, that is, but not for those offensive people who, out of ignorance or evil intent, say unkind or untrue things to me and about me. God's grace and mercy are only almost big enough for those people.

There are those - I am one of them - who verbally affirm the gospel of grace and proclaim the good news of Christ's righteousness on behalf of sinners, only to retire to their prayer closets to recite their rosaries of good deeds and exemplary behavior.

Concerning these needy people, with whom I so intimately relate, my wicked heart cries:

"Sound the trumpet! I have given to the needy! I have answered the gossip with words of kindness, and I have prayed for the slanderer! In the face of false accusations, I have maintained integrity and a countenance of peace. Sound the trumpet! Let everyone affirm: I am vindicated!"

But God's Word commands:

"...when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others...But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

Gods sees the secret places of my heart. And because God sees, I no longer need to be vindicated before others.

I pray often for God to show me my sin and grant me true repentance. I pray for him to humble me  and help me, by the power of his indwelling Spirit, to walk in greater conformity to Christ.

I can testify to this: if you ask God to show you your sins, He will.

Who are the needy?

I am.

AROUND EVERY CORNER

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life..." - John 6:68

* * *

I wrote a couple of days ago (Joy Comes in the Morning) about God's faithfulness in meeting me in a very broken place. But God did not meet me in that dark night of the soul, perform his "surgery" on my heart, and then step back to let me continue healing on my own.

This past week, I have met Him around every corner.

God has been EVERYWHERE, speaking with precision into the needs of my heart and my soul:

• In my daily Bible reading (Job, Matthew, Psalms, Romans...everywhere I look, I find God saying, "Camille! Here I am with you. I love you. Be strengthened. Take heart!")
• In the world and the weather outside my kitchen window
• In the BSF study notes for the book of Romans, and in Kathy's lecture on Thursday
• In the comments made by the other women in my BSF small group
• In the songs my daughter plays on the piano. (Thou lovely source of true delight, whom I unseen adore, unveil thy beauties to my sight that I might love Thee more, oh, that I might love Thee more!)
• In the compassion of the woman on the treadmill next to me
• In the book about prayer that a friend gave me almost two months ago, but that I just started reading a few weeks ago (I guess God knew this book needed to be saved until the moment when it would speak most effectively to my heart.)
• In a technical book about the craft of writing, of all the weird places!
• In the gracious words of the lady cutting my hair
• In an article shared by a friend on Facebook
• In the prayers of friends
• In the still, quiet darkness of wee-hours morning

Everywhere I have turned, God has met me.

I am amazed at how much pain and hurt has been soothed away over the past two days by my loving Father.

Three nights ago, heartbroken and sore, I lay awake weeping tears of sorrow.

Last night, overwhelmed by the goodness, faithfulness, tenderness, compassion, and love of God, I wept tears of gratitude and joy.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

In the night before this morning's dawn, a passage from one of the Psalms came to mind. When I was a small girl, the church my family attended sang Psalms - the words of the Psalms of the Bible, set to music - instead of hymns or praise music. One particular chorus, a rather bouncy call-&-response learned way back in my childhood, kept running through my head:

"Oh, taste and see - [oh, taste and see!] - that God is good - [that God is good!]; Who trusts in Him is blest. Fear God, His saints - [fear God his saints] - none that Him fear - [none that Him fear] - shall be with want oppressed."

I was having a private little praise fest, lying there in the darkness! My heart was so full!

Then the sun came up. I showered, dressed, brewed a pot of coffee, poured a cup, and sat down with my Bible. Today's reading: a couple of chapters in Exodus, a chapter in Matthew, a passage in Romans, and a Psalm.

You want to guess which Psalm was up for today?

Psalm 34.

How cool is that?!

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack.

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all. - Psalm 34:8, 18-19

Have I mentioned yet...GOD IS SO GOOD?!

* * *

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." - Lamentations 3:21-24

THE WORDS OF MY MOUTH & THE MEDITATIONS OF MY HEART

"You have to think about language...how a disciplined approach to language is a disciplined approach to being human. The apostle James tells us that a man who can control his tongue can control the rest of his body as well. This goes double for the man who is putting what the tongue does into a more permanent setting." - Doug Wilson, in Wordsmithy

Anthony Burgess, from his Expository Sermons, quoted in Taking Hold of God: Reformed and Puritan Perspectives on Prayer, on the responsibility believers have to pray for one another:

1. God has made you part of the body of Christ. If a part of your own body is injured, how does it affect you? You should have the same empathy for the body of Christ as for your own body.
2. God instituted prayer as a means to help others. Instead, we are quick to criticize each other. Rather than finding fault, we should pray for fellow believers. That is our duty.
3. Praying for one another will ease differences, jealousies, and suspicions. It will make the godly of one heart and one mind. If you find yourself thinking how poorly a brother has treated you, pray for that man. It will immediately "quiet those winds and waves."

* * *

I have posted here before about the incredible power of words, power for evil or for good. Apparently, this is something God thinks I need to be reminded of frequently: I encountered both of the above quotes in my reading today!

Sometimes, the words that come out of my mouth frighten me. Why? Because my words reveal what is inside my heart, and more often than I like to admit, what comes out of my mouth is neither pretty nor God honoring.

I may think I am a gracious, loving, forgiving, generous person because, even though Susie hurt me deeply on Friday, I smile at Susie on Sunday morning and say "Nice to see you today!" But, what do I say about Susie when I get home from church?

What do I say about Susie when I am behind closed doors with my husband, or my family, or with an intimate friend? In these private places, do my words testify to a gracious and loving heart, or do my words expose a critical and bitter spirit? Sure, I may put on a nice face in public, but in private, do I go off on Susie, recounting all the ways she has offended me or hurt me?

Ay, yi, yi! The struggle to tame my tongue!

But the problem is not really with my tongue, is it? The problem is with my heart. Like the apostle Paul, I find that "when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?"

And like Paul, I find deliverance from myself and my sin only in Jesus: "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:21-25a)

And thankfully, I am assured that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set [me] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1-2)

No condemnation - hallelujah!

But does "no condemnation" mean that I am free from the responsibility of controlling my tongue? No, it does not. In Christ, I am free from condemnation. I am not, however, free from conviction. On the contrary, the Spirit convicts me of the sinful attitudes of my heart from which my sinful words flow. He calls me to repentance, and He strengthens me to walk - to speak - in a new and living way.

Because God is so good, and because He cares deeply about my sanctification, He puts people in my life who gently call me out when my Sunday-morning sweet-talk is exposed as a forgery by my Monday-morning vitriol.

Today, I want to say a big THANK YOU! to Carol, my exercise buddy, who for the past several weeks has endured so much vomit coming out of my mouth, and yet who has somehow managed to gently, sweetly, patiently take me back to Jesus, so that I am truly sorry for the vomit (and for the wickedness from which it flows) and have a renewed desire to employ my words in ways that better reflect the beauty of my Savior. Thank you, Carol, for being a faithful friend, one who will not let me leave Christ out of the conversation.

* * *

"For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil person brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give an account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned" (Matthew 12:34b-37).

"Let your speech be gracious, always seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person" (Colossians 4:6).

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer" (Psalm 19:40).