FAIL!

Lessons I struggle to understand:

Life is not a contest.

Life is not a test.

Due to my own strange internal wiring, outside influences, and life experiences, I have lived my entire life conscious that I was being "graded." Every action, every decision, every feeling, every response - judged, scored, and ranked like I was a competitive gymnast.

On top of the consciousness that I am constantly being graded is an acute feeling that "good" or "good enough" is not acceptable: anything less than "best" is a failing grade.

And on top of those two nasties, I am also a chronic people-pleaser. I really want others to be happy with me. A teacher, an employer, my spouse, my children, my parents, the driver next to me on the 4-lane, the produce clerk at Kroger...every single relationship and interaction is tangled with spoken and unspoken expectations of "acceptable" and "unsatisfactory."

Y'all, this is a sorry way to live. Do you better understand now what I mean when I say there is no quiet space in my life? And why I am always tired?

But things are beginning to change. (Baby steps, Camille.)

I am beginning to understand that my preference for comedies or psychologically complex movies vs. another person's preference for crime thrillers or action movies is not a matter of character weakness or moral frailty. It's just a preference. And it's okay. Really.

I am learning that having a perspective or opinion about current events, politics, worship styles, etc., that does not line up precisely with someone else's opinion is not an act of insubordination, rebellion, or apostasy. It's just a personal opinion. And that's okay. Really.

I am not naïve. I do know that others I encounter will continue to score, judge, rank, and critique...but I am beginning to understand, very slowly, that that is their problem, not mine. As for me, my every thought, preference, or action is not going to be graded, ranked, ridiculed, and stamped FAIL! by a sadistic celestial Trunchbull.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.