We have all probably encountered motivational sayings that go something like this: "Picture the person you want to be, and then do what it takes to become that person."
On a very good day - when I had enough sleep the night before and the sun is shining and I am able to mentally step away from the emotional heaviness brooding in my house - on a very good day, I can almost imagine that person.
Almost.
She lives confidently, communicates effectively, loves well, manages her time productively, visits her children and grandchildren often, makes a good income with benefits and saves for retirement, writes consistently (instead of just talking about wanting to write), exercises regularly, eats healthfully, can engage in intelligent conversation, and....(long gasping inhale)...she gets regular haircuts, her joints don't hurt, and her pants are not too tight.
It is difficult for me to picture that person for a even few fleeting seconds at a time. It is harder still to imagine ever getting remotely close to being that person.
Perhaps I will meet her one day in Glory.
* * * * *
I was born an advocate. I am no Atticus Finch, but a Mama Bear comes out in me when I feel like the vulnerable or people I love are threatened. Maybe this passion springs from my feeling so weak and vulnerable myself.
As a child, I advocated for every stray dog and cat that wandered onto our farm, for tadpoles in the barnyard water trough, and for the unwelcomed birds nesting on porch pillars.
As a school girl, I advocated for misfits and outcasts among my classmates. School can be such a cruel place.
As a young wife, I advocated for my husband. As a mother, I advocated for my children. As a caregiver, I advocate for my Mom. As a nurse, I advocate for patients.
One person I did not learn to advocate for, however, was myself.
Almost always, it seemed like there were others whose needs were much greater than mine. Repeatedly, nascent attempts at self-advocacy were rebuffed as selfish, inopportune, insubordinate, or unbiblical. If I asked for help, I was being demanding or un-submissive. If I was weak and stumbling, I needed to "pull myself together" or "get over it."
Whatever the reason, the skill of self-advocacy is something I never developed, at least not very well.
* * * * *
"Picture the person you want to be, and then do what it takes to become that person."
I want to be a person who loves people where they are, who isn't threatened by differences or uncomfortable realities, who celebrates life in all its diversity, who advocates for the vulnerable, who champions integrity, and who promotes healing...for others and for myself.
And so, I am trying to make peace with the person I am, to appreciate her strengths and gifts while being honest about her weaknesses and shortcomings, to acknowledge her wounds and promote her healing, to give her room and grace to breathe and grow and to simply be.
Truth and healing.
Integra.
No comments:
Post a Comment