THE WORLD LOOKS A LITTLE BIT BRIGHTER

You know that scene in Lord of the Rings where Gandalf frees Theoden from Saurman's spell, and the years fall off of Theoden and his eyes become clear and bright again? (Don't remember? You can watch a clip HERE.)

That scene feels like a snapshot of my life over the past year.

This year - 2026 - has been a doozy. I have been sad...a lot. I cry easily. Life as I once knew it is over, and the future looks uncertain and scary.

But tears, heartache, grief, and fear are NOT the whole story.

I have slept better these past few months than I have slept in years.

I catch myself smiling for no particular reason.

I sing or hum when I cook or clean.

I laugh more.

I apologize less for simply being me and taking up space.

I have been tracking my blood pressure each day for the past several months: 126/70, 124/70, 116/70, 121/65, 117/68...Those are good numbers, y'all. CRAZY how much better my blood pressure is these days.

Earlier this year. Those are bad numbers, y'all...VERY bad.

I am deeply grateful for the many evidences of God's faithfulness to me during a dark season.

And on a good day - a reeeeally good day, like today - I find I am beginning to dream. To imagine, in teeny-tiny ways, what life might look like, after all the heartache, confusion, hurt, pain, and loss.

The world is beginning to look a little bit brighter, Dear Friends.

God is sovereign. God is good. And God loves me very, very much.

* * *

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." - 1 Peter 2:9

TIMELY

I had a difficult meeting Tuesday after work - not difficult as in who I was meeting with or meeting dynamics, but as in the purpose of the meeting. Thankfully, the person I met with is consistently calm, kind, and patient. Still, I almost always leave these meetings in tears.

Tuesday was one of those crying meetings.

Tears on the drive home.

Tears as I lay in my bed not sleeping throughout Tuesday night.

Sometimes I think I am finally past tears, but then another "Tuesday" comes along.

* * *

Wednesday morning, weary and weary-hearted, I sat down at my desk to read my Bible. I have a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan that I loosely follow. Basically, I ignore the dates and read at my own pace.

Wednesday morning, I did not read the passage assigned for August 26. Instead, I read the passage for September 1-2. (Obviously, I am either slightly ahead in my reading...or very far behind. I'll let you guess which.)

Anywho, in God's kind providence, I opened my Bible and read this:

"In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple..." (Isaiah 6:1)

Stop. Right. There.

"In the year that King Uzziah died..." Isaiah received this vision of God at a turning point in Israel's history. The world as Isaiah knew it was coming to an end. After a lengthy period of prosperity and blessing, God was sending Syria to attack his covenant people. In the face of this terrifying revelation, God showed Isaiah that He, the Lord, was still on his throne.

The book of Isaiah was not written to me, but it was written for me, preserved and passed down to me. God orchestrated the details of my own life so that Wednesday morning, as I grieved my own "death of King Uzziah," I read Isaiah's words of assurance.

My world feels like it is falling apart. Right now, I cannot even imagine a future. But I am reminded and confident of this: GOD IS ON HIS THRONE.

But there is more...

In the next chapter, Isaiah is sent to King Ahaz to deliver the bad news about Syria. His exhortation to Ahaz is this: "Be careful, be quiet, do not fear, and do not let your heart be faint...If you are not firm in your faith, you will not be firm at all." (Isaiah 7:4a, 9b)

It felt like God was holding my face tenderly in his hands, saying to me:  "Camille, look at me. Look at me! I am on the throne. I am right here where I have always been. Do not be afraid. Hold steady in your faith."

That, Dear Reader, was balm to my troubled heart.

* * *

"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" - David, Psalm 56:8

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -David, Psalm 30:5b

LEARNING TO LAMENT

My oldest son once told me, years ago, in the wake of some now-forgotten trial, something to the effect of: "Mom, you run too quickly to joy...slow down, and give space for grief. Let joy come in its proper time."

He was right, of course.

This tendency to fast-sprint to joy was no doubt fueled by many factors.

My personality. Although I have been accused of being gray and melancholy, I prefer light and brightness. I have big naked windows - no curtains or blinds - so that as much sunlight (and moonlight) as possible can come inside. My favorite movies are ridiculously silly. I am wiggly. I would much rather live - and for many years have lived - in a world of imagined goodness painted by self-deception, willful ignorance, and Herculean denial, than confront hard truths or painful realities. I do not want to look in the face of evil, so I cover that face with a mask.

My culture. My faith tradition frequently and enthusiastically sang songs like "Count Your Many Blessings" and "I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy," but it wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I encountered songs like "From the Depths of Woe." Christians are supposed to be happy, right? Dwell on the positive; hope for the best; quote Romans 8:28; be content.

Fear. Fear of dishonoring God. Fear of seeming ungrateful. Fear that exposing darkness and lies might unleash unimaginable evils. Fear that Almighty God just might not be big enough to handle the deep, heart-rending brokenness underneath the surface of so much that appears beautiful in this world.

Laziness. It is so much easier to carry a bucket filled with light than a bucket filled with muck.

EXPOSED!

THIS has been a year of incredible pain, loss, heartbreak...and tremendous growth.

I have become fluent in weeping and lament.

I was introduced to a lovely book in one of my classes this summer: Every Moment Holy, a collection of liturgies for everyday life. (HIGHLY recommend.)

I want to share with you an excerpt from "A Liturgy for the Death of a Dream":

"O Christ, in whom the final fulfillment

of all hope is held secure,

I bring to you now the weathered

fragments of my former dreams,

the broken pieces of my expectations,

the rent patches of hopes worn thin,

the shards of some shattered image of

life as I once thought it would be.

"...take this dream, this husk,

this chaff of my desire, and give it back

reformed and remade according to

your better vision,

or do not give it back at all.

Here in the ruins of my wrecked

expectation, let me make this best confession:

"Not my dreams, O Lord,

not my dreams,

but yours be done.

Amen."

(Douglas Kaine McKelvey, “The Death of a Dream,” in Every Moment Holy, vol. 1 (Nashville, TN: Rabbit Room Press, 2017), 232-235.)

"Your grace is my shelter. Your love is my home. Even in the valley, I am never alone." - Lauren Diagle

LIKE WAKING UP FROM THE LONGEST DREAM...

 "Where do you see yourself one year from now?"

I had no answer for this question, asked by one of my awesome kids. "I have no idea. When I try to think about the future, I can't see anything but thick gray fog. I can't see anything at all...can't imagine...can't even dream."

"I can," my child replied. "I see very good things. From where I stand, your future looks brighter right now than it has looked in a long, long time." This kind soul paused, then continued. "You cannot dream yet, Mom, so I will dream for you."

This conversation occurred several months ago. Today, when I try to imagine my life one year from now, I still see nothing but fog. But the fog is beginning to lift, get thinner. I believe that maybe...just maybe...I see a small glimmer of light breaking through.

I cannot make out any definite outlines or contours, yet, just a soft flicker of hope.

It feels like waking up...

Keith Green - Like Waking Up

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS/WEEKS/YEARS?

In the space of one week, the dryer died, the kitchen refrigerator crashed, and I came home to find the above notice on my front door. All of this while I was in the process of trying to hammer out a workable, significantly-reduced budget.

Ever have one of those days/weeks/years?

Someone once challenged me this way: when faced with a difficulty, look for the opportunity instead of focusing only on the obstacle.

Endeavoring to put this good advice into practice, I asked myself, "What is the opportunity here?"

Opportunity #1: Instead of freaking out, I took a deep breath and asked dear friends to pray for me...to pray specifically for household appliances and for adequate finances.

Opportunity #2: I asked for help. My son got his dryer out of storage and installed it temporarily in my laundry room. My spouse paid the electric bill. 

Opportunity #3: I did a new thing, something I had never done before. I researched and purchased a large appliance. The new refrigerator will be installed next week.

Things I am learning:

• "Jesus, help me!" is a perfectly legitimate way to pray.
• More and more, my prayers are specific. "God, can you help me find a refrigerator?"
• I have wonderful family and friends. (I already knew this, but it is good to pause and remember.)

The window facing above my desk is cluttered with sticky notes: To-do lists, names of people I pray for, a verse that encouraged me this week, homework assignments, etc. Yesterday morning, I discovered a new sticky note. Apparently, my granddaughter found my sticky-note stash and found the brightly-colored squares irresistible.

Yes, He does love me. And, yes, He will take care of me.

Thank you, Jules, for the reminder!

HERE GOES...SOMETHING

The first step is often the hardest.

I opened up the blog and sat down to write multiple times over the summer. Each time, I thought I had something to write, but then I would end up staring blankly at my computer. Nothing. Just...nothing. My heart and my mind were numb.

It has been a difficult summer.

Today, once again, I find there is nothing. But today, I refuse the nothingness. Today, I will write, a first faltering stutter after a too-long silence. So, here goes...something.

I posted a couple of years ago about the difficulty of making "space to be human." You can read that post HERE. And if you are curious: I did learn to set more appropriate work boundaries, and I now have a lovely job that allows more time for doing "human" things.

On that note, I want to share a few small ways that I have enjoyed being human recently -

This summer, I registered for and completed my first-ever seminary classes. The coursework was incredibly challenging and I was way out of my league among the other students. Still, I felt like a fish in water, albeit a very small fish in very deep water. I enjoyed every lecture, every assignment, and every small group discussion. Second term begins Monday. I can't wait!

Over the past couple of months, I was given three of the most encouraging compliments that I have ever received:

• "You are one of the most humble people I know." (When I asked a friend to pray that God would humble me deeply and show me clearly my dependence on Him. BTW - do NOT pray that prayer unless you really, really mean it. God will answer, and it won't be easy.)
• "You are a very strong person." (From a co-worker who knows something of the difficulties of recent months.)
• "That is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." (In sixty-one years, no one has ever said that about me. Every woman should hear those words spoken about her at least once in her life. It made me cry.)

Today, I have celebrated being human in small ways. I had breakfast with my family. I enjoyed a personal yoga session with Mr. Ron. I washed mine and Mom's laundry and changed our bed linens. I wrote a letter to a friend. I sat on the porch swing and read another chapter in a book. I made BLT's for lunch; this evening, I am making gumbo for dinner, Daddy's recipe.

And I wrote.

SUNDAY WALK

Quiz for my children: Where was this picture taken?

Warmer temperatures and longer daylight inspired me to get out and walk back on the farm this weekend. Yesterday, I visited the Robinhood tree, the Great Hall, and the Cowboy hideout. This afternoon, I took a different path and hiked the Three Sisters, The Giant's Thimble, and Narnia. The ponds are full to overflowing, the creeks riotous with snow melt.  It felt wonderful to breathe deeply cool air that smelled of thawing earth, rotting leaves, and sunshine. 

I used to walk the perimeter of this farm almost daily. That was before nursing school ate my soul and before Granddaddy became unable to maintain the fields due to declining health. My daily walk was thwarted by waist-high weeds and brambles and the threat of snakes and chiggers.

Granddad has been dead for three years this June, and I probably haven't walked my favorite paths in over five years. It's sad how a farm slides into disrepair with neglect, just like an abandoned, derelict house. Still, the farm is beautiful.

* * * * *

At the recommendation of a friend, I am listening to the audio version of Jordan Peterson's "12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos." Regardless of what you might think about Peterson, this book contains quite a bit of very practical, helpful advice. In the chapter on Rule 2 - "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of." - Peterson challenges the reader/listener to think of one thing he or she can do to make today better than yesterday, then do it. It doesn't have to be something big - small is fine.

Today, in the face of a personal disappointment, instead of feeling sorry for myself or wallowing in defeat or sliding into depression, I did one small thing to make my life better: I took a long walk back on the farm.

And that one choice made today very, very good.

GOODBYE, HELLO...THANKFUL

I wanted to write a post yesterday with reminiscences of the year just past...but life was big yesterday and the post did not happen. Today: first day of a brand new year. It promises to be a year of fresh opportunities and exciting changes.

The house is winding down after a day filled with rambunctious kids, mega-cooking, and daily chores. The adult children are tucking the grandchildren into bed, and I finally have a quiet moment to myself. Curled on the couch in front of a toasty fire, I am tired...and so very thankful.

To close out 2024 and welcome 2025, here is a list of things I am thankful for this wintry evening:

I am thankful that God is faithful when others are not, that He loves me unconditionally, and that He is big enough to handle my questions and my fears. He is so, so good.

I am deeply thankful for the beautiful, thoughtful, passionate and compassionate people who are my family. It blows my mind that I get to be counted as one of their number. They are my favorite people in the world.

I am thankful for The Aunties, my soul-sisters who love me unconditionally and point me consistently to Christ and with whom conversation is always easy. Every life-giving moment spent with you is sweet and precious.

I am thankful for a wonderful next-door neighbor. Thank you, dear friend, for the adventures, weekly movie nights, frequent "therapy" sessions, and all your help doing life during a challenging season.

I am inexpressibly thankful for the many hospice patients I was blessed to serve this past year and for their families. I am no longer working as a hospice nurse, but not a day passes that I don't think of one or more of these dear souls with warm affection. I am so deeply grateful for the privilege of walking with them right up to the veil.

I am thankful for a new and very different job working with a tremendous team of talented, compassionate, and fun healthcare providers. I have patient, good-natured teachers, and I am learning so much. I am excited to go to work each day. I absolutely love it.

I am thankful for a noisy, lively house that once again has craft things strewn over the table, toys in the floor, chickens in the yard, and a dog waiting eagerly at the door.

FEEDING THE CAT

I walked next door today to feed the cat, Grammy's gray fuzzball, Miss Kitty.

Two years ago, Grammy was with us, preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Grammy was so happy that Thanksgiving, her counters covered with food and her kitchen filled with family. So happy, so tired, so frail. She stumbled when she walked, leaned long against the counter, her skin deeply jaundiced, but smiling such a big smile the whole long, sweet, exhausting day.

Two years + a week ago, Grammy was gone.

I walked next door today to feed the cat, Grammy's cat.

I've walked next door often over the past 20 years. To use Grammy's washer when my washer was broken, to pick up the leftovers Grammy cleaned out of her fridge but couldn't bear to throw away, to shell pecans or work a jigsaw puzzle together, to check the mail and feed the cat on the rare occasions when Grammy and Granddad went out of town.

During nursing school, I walked next door daily - to use the internet for online classes, to eat caramel corn and watch TV and pretend like some part of my life was "normal," to cry countless tears of frustration and exhaustion. Nursing school was traumatic. Grammy was a good listener.

The last year - the very last year - I walked next door multiple times a day. Granddad was declining. I would get the call: "Are you home? I need help." "Yes, I'll be right over." Dying and death are such peculiar things. Caring for Granddad that last year, Grammy and I cried and laughed and talked much of the ridiculousness of this life.

I walked next door today to feed the cat, Grammy's cat. Grammy has been gone for two years, but the cat is still here and still needs to be fed.

I go an entire day now sometimes without missing Grammy. Other days, I feel her absence keenly, and my chest hurts and the tears start again.

Days like today.

I walked next door today to feed the cat, Grammy's cat, but Grammy wasn't there.

Y'ALL...

Y'all, I woke up Monday morning genuinely looking forward to going in to work. No tight neck muscles, no churning stomach, no clenched teeth...just a quiet smile as I headed out the door under a star-studded sky early Monday morning.

Can we all just pause a moment to appreciate what a HUGE deal this is?

Y'all, for the first time in I-can't-remember-when (at least 5 years!), I do not have to go to work or do a crap-ton of homework on Thanksgiving weekend. Several of the kids and their families are rolling in for the weekend, and I am super excited about cooking turkey, dressing, and all the fixings.

Can we just pause a moment to appreciate the gift of having time - finally - to be human?

Y'all, I am back in yoga class consistently, and I even attended a spin class last night for the first time in over 6 months. It felt wonderful to work up a sweat exerting long-neglected muscles.

Can we pause a moment to appreciate opportunities for self-care?

Y'all, in the past week, I had tea and a catch-up with a sister-friend who has walked this life with me for almost 50 years; I celebrated a major life event with a young friend I watched grow from a toddler to a man; I enjoyed Sabbath with a sister-friend who breathes Jesus all over me every time we are together; and I said goodbye-for-now to another sweet friend who worships now in the presence of her Savior and mine.

Can we pause a moment to savor the goodness of friendship?

It is the Golden Hour. The sun, already low in the western sky, casts a soft amber light across the hayfield outside my window. Early morning and late afternoon - sunrise and sunset - are magical times in the hayfield, simply because of the light.

Y'all...

I have been very, very tired - body and soul - for a long, long time. But today, I feel like I am waking up after a long and troubled sleep.

Today, I feel grateful.

Hopeful.

Awake.

A SOFT NOVEMBER MORNING

It's a soft, gray, mizzly day here at the farm. The air is cool and moist. Crows cackle in the trees behind the house and a soft drip-drip-drip plashes lazily from the roof edge into a rain-soaked trench below.

I could use more mornings like this.

Mom and I are staying home from church this morning. Mom had another one of her crash-&-bounce-back, cheat-death-again episodes yesterday. She is fine today, but she is tired.

Yesterday, we also celebrated the quickly approaching arrival of the newest member of our family. In the span of two weeks, I will have spent a weekend of fervent prayer in the hospital, applied my nursing training to revive an unconscious parent, and attended a baby shower, a wedding, and a funeral. Oh, and I also worked, bought groceries, cooked meals, did laundry, changed bed linens, and all the usual stuff.

It is lovely today to have a pause, a quiet day at home, a sabbath.

It's been a couple of crazy weeks since I last posted here at the blog. I tried to keep my once-weekly commitment - actually have two unfinished drafts from those silent weeks - but, you know, life. Both of my aging parents have commented to me recently - and I agree - "Life is so ridiculous!"

My mind is not clear enough this morning to write a well-thought-out post - am still processing so many emotions and needs and uncertainties - but I want to write something, if only to prevent two silent weeks at the blog from rolling into three. And so...

Today, I am sharing a few things for which I am thankful.

I am thankful I have a job that doesn't leave me completely emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of each day. I am thankful for a reliable car and a paycheck that allows me to put gas in the tank so that I can drive to a hospital two hours away. I am thankful for supportive co-workers, faithful friends, and precious family who check on me and who pray for me when I am anxious.

I am thankful for a son-in-law who loves my sweet daughter so very, very well, and for his gracious, kind, generous parents who love her like their own. My heart is overwhelmed at the goodness of God shown to my family through every single one of the in-laws He has given us.

I am thankful for my nursing education and work experience; thankful that a health crisis triggers a trained response instead of panic; thankful that "head down, feet up" is a reflex and I know how to "use my levers [bones]" to lift and transfer a large, unconscious person.

I am thankful that even though I STILL do not have anything to wear to this wedding on Friday, I know I will be welcomed no matter what I show up wearing, it will be a joyful celebration, and I have already been promised a dance.

And I am thankful for this quiet day at home and a slow, soft morning on the porch swing. (I think of you, Katherine, every time I sit here. Thank you!)

THOU SHALT NOT

A beautiful fall day on a road less traveled.

"What emotions are you not allowed to feel? I want you to take time this week to think about what feelings you have that you have been told or that you have believed you should not feel, and I want you to be honest with yourself. Let's come back and talk about those next week."

That was a tough assignment. I'm a people-pleaser who has a long history of figuring out the expected answer so that I can say and do the "right" thing. An easier assignment would have been: What are you supposed to feel? What would be the culturally/familial/good-Christian-girl response?

I am a life-long servant of Should, fluent in the languages of Ought and Appropriate.

My first challenge was to try to identify what am I not allowed to feel. My experience has been six decades of subtle and not-so-subtle comments and teachings along the lines of "This is the correct feeling, response, opinion, etc....and anything different is unbiblical, sinful, and dishonors God." (And if I've got any of that mess going on in my life, I'd better get it cleaned up before it leaks out and someone finds out about it!)

I remember once, several years ago, when a friend who was processing a heartbreaking personal tragedy - when this friend admitted "I am so angry at God right now!," an acquaintance who overheard her gasped and retorted emphatically, "Oh, don't say that! You should never be angry with God, and you certainly shouldn't say it out loud if you are!"

In the moment, my own grief-clouded mind had a vague recollection that there are multiple scripture passages about things like being angry and sinning not and don't let the sun go down on your anger and such, but still, this person's comment felt so grossly inappropriate, out-of-place, and downright wrong. Didn't God already know my friend's heart, her grief, the tumult of her emotions? Would pretending that she felt differently somehow be "more Christian," more God honoring? Did not David - the man after God's own heart - freely confess his innermost feelings and struggles, and did not God preserve David's outpouring of emotion for the church? What was this acquaintance suggesting? That dishonesty with God and forced self-deception were somehow better than my friend's open and honest outpouring of grief, anger, and distress?

But back to my homework several weeks ago. What am I not allowed to feel? And of that list of taboo emotions, which do I actually feel? Could I be honest with myself? Could I be honest with God?

It was not a fun assignment.

You shall not be angry. You shall not feel hurt. You shall not express thoughts, opinions, or preferences that do not align with those of people in positions of power. You shall not speak out against injustice or express any feelings of distress if doing so might disrupt the peace and tranquility of the status quo.

What I discovered was that so many of the "thou shalt nots" holding my heart hostage were not issued by God at all, but by broken people around me.

Sin - including bondage to man-made "thou shalt nots" - enslaves.

The gospel of Jesus liberates.

Opening up the deep recesses of my guarded heart to the light did not bring more guilt, shame, and wretchedness, as I had expected. On the contrary, it brought freedom, hope, joy...and a deeper sense of how greatly I am loved by my heavenly Father.

God knows my heart. Why should I be hesitant to share freely with him all of my feelings and struggles? He already knows, and he can handle anything I bring him...even those things considered forbidden or taboo. He is so good, so faithful, so compassionate, so gentle, so incredibly kind.

CONVERSATIONS THAT TURN QUICKLY TO CHRIST

Blessed to talk with the youngest son! He weathered Hurricane Milton safely and was thankful for a day of sunshine and cooler temperatures yesterday. Conversation touched several topics, but I want to share two of those topics here.

Youngest Son bought a street bike several months ago and he is absolutely loving it. As we talked yesterday, he commented that one thing he enjoys about riding the bike is the amount of concentration, awareness, and continuous adaptability it demands. He explained that the mental focus required when he rides his bike actually provides mental rest "from all the other things" that otherwise occupy his thoughts.

My old boss at the hospital lab once told me the same thing about riding horses. "If you go for a run to de-stress, all the frustrations and worries of work still make their way into your head. But when you're riding horses, it requires just enough concentration and focus to push all those other thoughts out so that you can mentally rest for a while."

This got me to thinking about rest. We need physical rest, and we all know that getting enough rest for our bodies is hard work in today's go-go-go culture. But we also need rest for our minds.

I feel like my brain NEVER turns off. I have lain awake at night, physically exhausted and desperately desiring sleep, with my mind running a hundred miles a minute trying to untangle some Gordian Knot that could absolutely wait until morning. I've screamed silently in the darkness to my squirrel-on-speed brain, "Just shut up and go to sleep already?!"

(I know folks who seem not to have this problem of a brain with no "off" switch, and I've regarded them enviously at times, thinking how peaceful it must be to have a clear, white, static-free screen between their ears. How quiet, how calm. I cannot even imagine.)

If a naturally keyed-up brain isn't enough of an obstacle to mental rest, there are also text messages, emails, podcasts, social media scrolling, music at the coffee shop/Walmart/the grocery store, traffic lights, and blinking lights from our devices even after the house goes dark to help keep those neurons firing, firing, firing.

Yes, physical rest is hard work; but for some of us, mental rest is even harder.

And then there is soul rest, which is perhaps the hardest of all...and which brings me to the second topic of conversation that I wanted to share. Youngest Son said something to the effect of (and Ben, please correct me if I get this wrong - I can edit this post!): When Christians are together, why does conversation not turn more naturally and consistently to Christ and the Gospel?

I mean, think about it: what do we talk about when we get together? We talk about our kids, jobs, projects we are working on at home, favorite sports teams, the weather in -----, vacation plans, the price of eggs and cheese this week at the grocery store, movies, car problems, recipes for holiday appetizers, frustrations with relatives, FaceBook memes, and Aunt Bertha's recovery from recent knee surgery.

Oh, sure, we may throw in a spiritual reference - "Please pray for Aunt Bertha" or "Thank God we didn't have any damage from the storm" - but God, faith, and spiritual matters are not usually the central topic of conversation.

This got me to thinking about conversations I've had over the past week. If I counted correctly, only three of those conversations were about faith in any significant way. To be honest, I am not a big conversationalist, but, still...only three?!

And here's how I think that relates to soul rest: If I am not talking to myself often (without ceasing) about Jesus, his love for me, and his work on my behalf, and if I am not excited to talk to others about how much Jesus loves sinners, and if I am not curious about how Jesus is working in the hearts and souls of the people around me, if I am not eager to hear how Christ is growing and challenging and sustaining my brothers and sisters each day - then how am I ever going to find soul rest, because the Gospel IS soul rest, and I need to be hearing it and speaking it and wrestling with its implications alongside others every chance I can.

Lord, forgive me for all my idle words. Quicken my stony heart. Heal my blind eyes so that I can see Gospel needs. Open my deaf ears so that I can hear Gospel opportunities. Loosen my mute tongue, so that I speak often and freely of you and your glorious grace. Lord, please, turn my conversations quickly and joyfully to Jesus, because I and the people around me desperately need the rest that only my beautiful Savior can give.

A LITTLE WINDOW INTO MY WORLD

A Happy Place

I saw a post on Facebook recently where an interviewer asked individuals what they were learning in therapy. Participants' one-word answers included: Accountability; Empathy; Resilience; Patience.

Foregoing the one-word stipulation, here's my go at answering the question.

Things I am learning in therapy:

I am developing a larger emotional vocabulary.

Other people's emotional regulation is not my responsibility; my own emotional regulation is my responsibility.

Being assertive does not equal aggression, insubordination, or manipulation.

I cannot change others; I can work on changing me.

Being honest about my hurts, weaknesses, fears, and failures is hard, but it is also one of the first steps toward moving past them.

* * * * *

Switching topics, what are some things I am changing in my life?

Recent changes to my day-to-day:

Biggest change is undoubtedly the new job: work is much less stressful, I am loving learning new things, and staff actually take a break for lunch together each day. (How weird is that in the nursing profession?!)

I have reduced my caffeine intake from half a pot of coffee in the morning and a super-size Diet Coke in the afternoon to 2 cups of coffee or tea per day. I've also added a "green drink" to my morning routine.

Alcohol consumption has been slashed to practically zero. This physically hurt the first week; today, no longer craving the daily bourbon or gin-&-tonic. (Thank you, Jesus!)

Mom and I are eating our evening meal earlier in the day (before 5:00 pm), and portions for me are significantly smaller.

I am sleeping at least 8 hours each night, even when I have to be up at 4:00 in the morning. It is  wonderful to be free from the shrieking night-time on-call alarm.

Aiming to do yoga twice a week, walking at least twice a week. So far, so good!

Y'all, I bought new scrubs for the new job and, this past week, I ordered a few items of fall clothing for myself without overthinking it and without feeling guilty. That is huge. (In the past, I would consider a purchase for several weeks or months, often talking myself out of the purchase altogether or feeling guilty for buying something for myself if I went through with the purchase.)

* * * * *

What about writing?

I am not writing as much or as consistently as I'd like, but I am also not beating myself up about that. On days that I can write, I am thankful. On days that I am not able to write, I shrug it off and tell myself, "Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow."

I'm trying to post once a week consistently here at the blog. Sometimes, however, it is a struggle to come up with ideas to write about. Suggestions?

I am also working on another fiction manuscript. It is a story I feel compelled to write, an exorcism of sorts. I am not especially fond of the story line, and working on the project - because of difficult themes within the story - often makes me angry. I'm struggling with the resolve to "just be angry and get it done!" so that I can move on to pleasanter projects. Prayers appreciated!

* * * * *

What about YOU, Dear Reader?

What are you learning about yourself? about others?

What positive changes have you made recently in your daily routine?

What hobbies or passions do you desire to pursue? How are you making those things happen?

I've given you a little window into my world today: I would love to have a little window into yours!

IT IS GOOD TO BE IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD

It is so, so good to be in the house of the Lord this morning.

Gratitude as I drove to church this morning:

• I am thankful for my new job. I have wonderful coworkers, I enjoy the work, and the schedule is a huge improvement.
• I have learned so much over the past 5-6 years: completed a difficult college degree; became comfortable with a plethora of practical nursing skills (still so many to learn); bought a car and car insurance for the first time ever in my life; learned how to take care of grown-up paperwork like my advanced directive, durable power of attorney, and will; started saving for retirement (a little late to the game at age 60, but at least it's a start).
• I have been privileged to work with and to care for some of the most beautiful people in the world; have fallen in love way too fast and grieved deeply.

Concerns as I drove to church this morning:

• Will I be provided for and taken care of when I am no longer able to work? Will I have a place to live when I am old?
• When I can no longer care for myself and must depend on others for my care, will I be a blessing or a burden?
• Will family still be present and active in my life when I get old, or will I be tucked away in a corner somewhere and forgotten?
• Is there anybody besides me thinking about these things today on my behalf for the future?

Most Sunday mornings, I drop Mom off at Sunday school class, then head to a cozy parlor for 45-minutes of writing time. This Sunday, however, the parlor is locked. I am sitting in the foyer outside the sanctuary to write.

I settled onto a hard bench with my Bible, laptop, and tea, a chaotic turmoil of thoughts and concerns roiling inside my head.

It's a bit noisy here in the foyer: the music team is going over songs for morning worship, and heavy traffic roars by outside the front door.

Lord, are you here? Can you hear me above the music, the traffic, the noisy thoughts inside my head?

Eyes closed, deep inhale. Hold it. Slow exhale.

Lord, I am anxious - again - about the future. What's next?

Breathe in, breathe out.

And then, rolling through the sanctuary doors, Adam's sweet voice:

"Thro' many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; 'tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.

"The Lord has promised good to me, his Word my hope secures; he will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures.

"And when this flesh and heart shall fail, and  mortal life shall cease, I shall possess within the veil a life of joy and peace."

Yes, He hears even above the noise, and He calms my fears.

* * * * *

I was glad when they said to me, "Let us go to the house of the LORD!" Psalm 122:1

One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to meditate in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23:6

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

-originally posted September 25, 2015

As I am prone to do at this 50-something, menopausal stage of my life, I awoke in the wee hours of the morning one day this week and simply could not go back to sleep. This happens so frequently now that I have made wee-morning my regular time to pray for my children and for my church family. This particular morning, however, my mind turned to other things...

For some reason, as I lay awake in the darkness, memories of other times when I had lain awake in bed, praying, came to mind. Memories I hadn't visited in ages.

I recalled one of my most comforting childhood memories:  that of being tucked into bed at night by my dad or my mom.

Tired at the end of a long day of work or play, full from a good dinner and freshly bathed, I would climb into bed and burrow under the blankets. Dad would flip off the lights and come sit on the end of the bed, smelling deliciously of coffee and cigarette smoke and perhaps cowness or tractor exhaust or, if he had eaten lunch at Olympia that day, of garlic. We would talk a little bit, and then he would tell me it was time to say my bedtime prayers.

"Now I lay me down to sleep..."

I would pray, and then sometimes he would pray, too. That very simple children's prayer worked like a magic incantation, ushering me from wakefulness to the drowsy shadowland of almost-asleep.

"Amen."

A goodnight kiss, and then..."'Night, 'night. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams," as Daddy left the room.

I can't think of anything more comforting than slipping off to sleep with my last conscious thought being that my Father was right there with me.

* * *

And another memory came to mind...

I was a teenager, and my bed at the time was a fold-out couch in the dining room - the dining room, because it was a room the family didn't use every day and therefore had less traffic. (I am not sure, but I think maybe my regular room and bed had been given to a relative or guest who staying with us for an extended period.) At any rate, I often read my Bible in bed at the end of the day and would leave it on the arm of the couch when I turned out the lights.

Mom and Dad no longer came to tuck me in and say bedtime prayers - I was too big for that - but my heavenly Father still met with me to talk and pray before ushering me off to sleep. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night, worried about an upcoming test at school or frightened by a bad dream, and I would feel around in the dark until I found my Bible. Pulling it close to me in bed, I would be comforted knowing that Yes, God was still close, still keeping watch.

I didn't think that small black leather-bound book was a magic charm or some kind of lucky amulet; no, it was a physical reminder - something I could touch with my hands - of the invisible presence of God.

"I pray the Lord my soul to keep..."

* * *

As I lay awake that morning earlier this week, remembering these scenes from my youth, it struck me that night after night, year after year, for as long as I can remember, God has faithfully met me in the gray twilight before sleep, and in the scary darkness of my fears and anxieties, and now, in the wee-morning wakefulness of middle-age.

Every night when I burrow under the blankets, He is there and waiting to talk. When I wake up and the sky is black and the stars are as bright as ice, He is still there, awake and listening and waiting to talk.

For over fifty years - how many nights of sleep? how many nights of sleeplessness? - God has been awake and present and listening and ready to meet with me.

A passage from Psalm 121 also came to mind in the wee-dark hours that particular morning:   "...he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper..." As I recalled those memories from my childhood and considered these verses from Psalms, I was brought to tears, overwhelmed by the incredible faithfulness of God.

Fifty+ years of nights for me, and He has never slumbered, never slept.

Every single night, my Father is awake, still watching, still protecting, still listening, still comforting.

All through the night.

COUNTING BLESSINGS

She may look janky, but she's a trooper!

Change makes me anxious.

I am facing big changes in the weeks ahead. I am super excited...and very nervous.

To counter rising anxiety, it helps me to recall God's faithfulness, provision, and protection in the past. Remembering God's past faithfulness gives me assurance and confidence for the future. Today, before the start of tomorrow's big new adventure, I am looking back.

God's provision for me on this nursing journey:

A father-in-law who let me use his farm truck so that I could get a job and drive to work.

A lab director who gambled on a completely inexperienced new-hire, trained me, encouraged me to do more...then accommodated my work schedule so that I could.

The friend in the library who challenged me to "think about it, instead of telling me why you can't." You unlocked the door to Possibility.

A daughter who chauffeured me to school my first year of classes and who was my biggest cheerleader through some really rough places, a young woman who set an incredible example of hard work, determination, resilience, and grace.

A son and daughter-in-law who generously covered a portion of my school fees and a mother-in-law who helped me pay for my text books. Nursing textbooks are crazy expensive.

The little red Yaris, a gift from my sister and her husband so that I could have my own transportation to school and clinicals.

Best. Nursing. Classmates. Ever. Shared trauma forges bonds.

Soul sisters who prayed for me, cried with me, and exhorted me to lean hard into Jesus.

Hospital coworkers who told me often "You can do this" and who shared their wealth of wisdom and experience with the kindness and generosity of true care-givers.

A pastor and worship team that fed my exhausted soul each Sunday and gave me strength to stumble through one more week.

A son and daughter-in-law who shared pizza and took me out on the lake when I needed to step away and breathe.

The generous friend who gave me three hard 10-hour days to "help get back on top of this house," which had degenerated into absolute nastiness due to school-term neglect.

Parents who prayed for me, a step-mother who mentored me, siblings and kids who encouraged me every step of the way.

The multiple strangers who changed flat tires in the rain, paid for my food in the McDonald's drive-thru, and hugged me when I broke down crying for no apparent reason in the produce section at Walmart.

Fantastic coworkers during long night shifts on med-surg and protection driving home, asleep.

New opportunities, and two Patient Care Administrators who set the Gold Standard for nursing PCA.

Precious patients who shared their hearts and lives with me during the tenderest season. What a blessing and a privilege to approach the Throne alongside these beautiful souls.

And now...

A new door opens.

A new adventure awaits.

Yes, I'm anxious, but I am going to be okay. I know God will be with me and He will faithfully guide and keep me...like He always has before.

THANK YOU

Over a decade ago, a friend gave me a copy of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Thus began my journey of recording daily small gifts to develop and strengthen the discipline of gratitude.

As I engaged with Ann's book all those years ago, I wrote this: "Ann began a study of prayers of thankfulness in Scripture. What she found surprised her. Prayers of sincere gratitude were often recorded in the midst of - or just preceding - great trial or distress. This puzzled her. Ann's study - and her resolution to fill a notebook with '1,000 gifts' - led her to discover that she had been understanding joy backwards. She had thought that joy came first, that true gratitude and thankfulness to God were based on, were the fruit of, his tangible blessings in this world. On the contrary, Ann found that it is thankfulness that produces joy." (You can read an ancient post about "One Thousand Gifts" HERE.)

Fast forward, oh, five or six years. Another friend gifted me blank journal and challenged me to "write down five things each day you are thankful for." I already had a "thankful notebook," so I decided to use the new journal to record instances of the clear hand of God in my daily life.

Things like a flat tire on a busy four-lane highway, a prayer for help, and the immediate arrival of a family member - "I thought that looked like you!" - who cheerfully changed the tire in less than 15 minutes.

Things like a fearful plea that God would get me safely to my destination on my first-ever solo international flight, which required changing planes in a foreign country - and the young man who sat in front of me on the airplane leaving Chicago, who, after brief conversation, exclaimed, "Oh, I am going to Kigali, too! We have the same connecting flight in Brussels. Stay with me, Auntie, and I will get you exactly where you need to be!" His name was Immanuel.

Ten+ years after reading One Thousand Gifts, I no longer log small gifts daily into a spiral notebook, and that first journal documenting God's interventions and provision is tucked between other journals on a shelf. Thankfulness today has become much more a way of thinking than an exercise with pen and paper.

I am a morning person, typically waking long before my alarm sounds as the sky fades from black to deep indigo. Used to, my first thought of the day was worry as cares of the coming day crashed in on me before my eyes were even fully open. Nowadays, my first thought is usually, "Thank you."

Thank you, Father, for the glittering morning star.

Thank you for light rising on the eastern horizon.

Thank you for this quiet moment before the day begins.

Thank you for the Carolina Wren singing outside my window.

"Thank you" has become a morning routine, a habit. It's just what happens when I wake up.

And for that, I am so very thankful indeed.

* * * * *

"Thank you" - these are literally the first words that pop into my mind when I wake up most mornings. (Oh, to be clear, I will have much less pleasant thoughts as the day progresses, but the day really does typically start with "Thank you.")

About a month ago, something very weird happened: I woke to an entirely different thought. Thank you has become so "normal" that when this different phrase popped into my slowly waking mind, it startled me.

I blinked. I looked around the room, wondering if someone else had spoken, but no one was there. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Again, clear as wren song: "I love you."

I hardly dared to breathe. Who had spoken? Where had this come from?

I never figured out if "I love you" was spoken from my heart to God - I do love him - or if it was spoken from my Father to me, but I eventually decided to settle on the latter. Perhaps it was both.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

JOY!

 

JOY!

Sunday, August 11, 2024

Take a few seconds to clear your mind and think about your work, whatever it is that you do all day to keep the house operating, kids fed and clothed, bills paid, and life rolling from one day to the next.

For just a moment, consider your typical work day. What thoughts come to mind? What emotions? Do words like joy, pleasure, and enjoyment pop into your head?

I don't know about you, but when I think about my typical work day, muscles in my neck tighten, my teeth clench, and my stomach churns. Words that come immediately to mind are words like "stress," "exhaustion," "frustration," "inadequacy," and "grief."

Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. I believe it has eternal Kingdom value. I care about my patients and feel privileged to be part of their journey. I have a fantastic team of coworkers. The pay and benefits are good.

So why the neck spasms, teeth-grinding, and digestive issues?

Well, I am trying to figure that out.

* * * * *

You know how you can read a passage of Scripture multiple times, and then on your umpteenth read-through, something completely new jumps off the page at you?

As I struggled with the disparity between how my mind and heart feel about work vs. how my body and emotions feel about work, I found myself reading in Ecclesiastes in this year's read-through-the-Bible.

I have read Ecclesiastes probably a dozen times. Nothing new here, right?

Wrong. There is always something new.

"There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?" (Ecclesiastes 2:24-25, ESV, emphasis added)

"I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in his toil - this is God's gift to man." (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13)

"So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot." (Ecclesiastes 3:22a)

I am going to be perfectly honest: I cannot remember the last time I woke up on a Monday morning feeling joyful about the week ahead.

Chewing this piece of gristle, trying to figure out what's going on inside my head and my heart, I have decided that either (1) my heart is not in the right place, and I desperately need God to change my heart - or - (2) I am not doing the job that God actually wants me to do and I need the Holy Spirit to help me understand what that job is. I am sure there are other possibilities - (3), (4), (5),... - but these are the two I've come up with so far.

So for now, I am praying - and wise sisters are praying for me - that God will change my heart and that He will show me clearly what it is He wants me to do and where it is He wants me to be.

Because I am longing for joy in my labor. And apart from God, who can have enjoyment?

* * * * *

Sunday, September 1, 2024

I typed the first part of this post three weeks ago, then set it aside. Today, I pulled the post back out to reconsider, edit, and potentially share my thoughts. Can I tell you what has happened in the intervening three weeks?

First, three days after writing Part 1 of this post, I received a completely unexpected text from the nursing administrator at a local clinic: "We have an opening...Are you interested in the position?...We want you to apply...Can you come in one day next week to talk?"

The following week, I met the administrator, toured the facility, talked to other staff, prayed, and said, "Yes." As I climbed into my car after our meeting, I felt light-headed, giddy, positively joyful. I felt like a mountain had rolled off my shoulders. I start the new job in a couple of weeks, and I can't remember the last time I have been so excited to begin something new.

Second thing that happened: last weekend, I attended a retreat with dear, dear friends. We ate, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we walked, we talked, and we poured out the burdens of our hearts to one another. We are all in seasons of transition, growth, change, and struggle. We all deeply desire the presence and direction of God in our respective journeys, and to know the joy, peace, and deep soul rest that comes from close fellowship with Him.

How often over the past several months have I prayed for Jesus to please give me joy, rest, peace? Too many times to count! But last weekend, in the sweet and safe fellowship of dear sisters in Christ, a light came on: Jesus doesn't give us joy, rest, peace - like medicine pulled off a shelf and dispensed in appropriate doses at needful times. Rather, Jesus IS our joy, rest, peace.

To paraphrase a point from Pastor Bill's sermon this morning, Joy/rest/peace is not a feeling: Joy/rest/peace is a person, and his name is Jesus.

I have been earnestly desiring and praying for the wrong thing. In my weariness, anxiousness, and disquiet, I have been praying for God to give me rest, peace, and joy - but what I really need is more of Him.

Jesus says in John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser...Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit...As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love...these things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." (John 15:1, 4-5, 9, 11; ESV)

Jesus, I have longed for the gift, rather than the Giver. Forgive me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for patiently and tenderly loving me anyway, for meeting my needs in spite of my sinful heart, for ever-&-always drawing me back to you. Thank you, Jesus, for faithful friends who consistently shepherd me closer to you. Thank you for Scripture, which speaks of you on every page. Thank you, Jesus, for being my rest, my hope, my joy, my peace. Help me, Jesus, to abide in you.

SPAMMED!

If you have ever participated in a community clean-up project, you - like me - have probably been amazed at the amount of trash people throw out of their vehicles when they drive down the road. Soda and beer cans, McDonald's bags crammed with greasy sandwich boxes and crumpled napkins, soggy disposable diapers, empty cigarette packages, whole bags of household garbage, discarded tires, broken furniture, abandoned trailers...you name it, and it's probably lying in a roadside ditch somewhere.

Well, think of a blog like a house standing on the side of a busy [internet] highway. You'd be amazed at the trash that gets tossed into my little front yard by passers-by.

Several years ago, when I was writing more and posting much more frequently, way back before nursing school ate my soul and effectively shut down all writing, traffic here at the blog was considerably higher. It had grown from a handful of weekly visitors, most of whom I knew personally, to several hundred visitors a day. I loved writing here at the blog, and I especially loved interacting with people who left comments: it made me feel connected to a much bigger world than my tiny corner of a hayfield.

But then something dreadful happened. An Unknown Visitor stopped by and effectively emptied a small landfill's worth of garbage onto my tiny little blog.

I was stunned. Dismayed. Bewildered. Hurt. Who on earth did this? And, WHY?!

I also felt ever-so-slightly flattered, like I had made it one step closer to the big leagues of blogging.

I learned a great deal from that early spamming experience and felt stronger for it.

(You can read about my first ever spam-dump experience here: BLOG ON!)

But in the craziness of raising and launching kids and getting my first steady paying job and going back to school and diving headlong into the life-consuming world of healthcare in modern America and a several-years break from writing, I forgot all about that long-ago introduction to blog spamming.

Until last week.

Thankfully, this time, I already had safe-guards in place to make cleanup easier. After an initial flush of dismay, I had the blog tidied and back up running within minutes.

And now, I would like to write a few words to my Unknown and unfriendly visitor:

Thank you. As I type this post today, I am smiling - because of you - because your attempt at hijacking my humble little blog is confirmation that I. AM. BACK. And it sure feels good.

Your spam-a-wham also let's me know the blog is getting out, and people are reading it. This is so incredibly encouraging.

Sad guest, I am sorry that you don't know how to play nicely. You obviously have issues you need to work through. Maybe you should considering counseling, or perhaps start a blog of your own.

In the meantime, I'll be over here writing.

BLOG ON!