THE INCREDIBLE SWEETNESS OF GOD'S LOVE

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

To the right of this post, there is a place on the sidebar where you can "Search This Blog." Enter anxiety, or fear, or prayer, or a snippet of the verse above, and hit "Search":  you'll see by the number of related posts that come up just how much I struggle with trusting God's good providence in my life.

I've also mentioned in earlier posts how one characteristic of this new season of my life is mid-morning sleeplessness . . . which is not a bad thing, because being awake at 3:00 in the morning provides such a wonderful opportunity to pray without the distractions of a busy daytime house. However, these wee-morning-hour prayer sessions can also be times of earnest spiritual wrestling. I am learning, however, that God is not only awake and ready to talk at 3:00 in the morning, but that He deals so very sweetly with His children in the still darkness of the night.

I lay awake in bed last night (this morning) with some very particular worries on my mind, but also with a very real sense of the nearness and attentiveness of God. "God, thank You so much that You are here and You are listening! Thank You so much that I never, ever have to be alone with the fears that plague my heart!"

Then, the above verse came to mind. "...do not be anxious about anything..."

"But I am anxious, Lord. I am anxious about my tiny daughter who will be flying back home from Japan soon. And I am anxious about my son at boot camp. And I am anxious about my husband's health and his work. And I am anxious about..."

It was a long, long list.

But talking through that list with God last night, I did not feel at all as if He were listening with a frown on His face: "You stupid, sinful, wicked child! Have I not just told you 'Do not be anxious'? And yet that is the very thing you insist on doing!" No, it was as if He was embracing me in loving arms:  "Yes, I know you are anxious about Martha, and about Tom. What else are you afraid of right now?" No condemnation (Thank You, Jesus!), just mercy and grace.

Praying through my worries, it felt like I was taking each weight inside my heart and handing it to God. He never flinched. "Yes," my Father assured me, "I care about these things, too. Can you trust me with them, Camille?"

Yes. Yes, I can, because I know how much you love me, Lord. Because You are awake and listening at 3:00 in the morning. Thank You.

And so, with an unburdened heart I drifted off to sleep.

But that's not the end of this story.

This morning after breakfast, I sat down to finish working through the study for our women's brunch tomorrow morning. I like to write out the verses at the end of each chapter of our study - I process things better when I write them than when I read them. I flipped open the study book, looked up the passage written on the page, and began writing on a sheet of loose-leaf paper. . .

"Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air:  they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? . . . the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father know that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow..." Matthew 6:25-34

And then I looked up and wrote the next Scripture reference on the list, Luke 10:38-42, the passage about Martha and Mary, where Martha was frustrated because her sister was sitting at Jesus's feet instead of helping her serve their guests. The passage includes this verse: "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Camille, Camille! You are anxious and troubled about many things! Be still, my child, and rest at the feet of Jesus.

Now, the funny thing is, this month's women's study is not about worry or about being anxious. It is about setting priorities, about using our time to do what God has given us to do instead of becoming distracted and stressed out by the to-do lists we or others create for us. But as I wrote out those verses this morning, I was overwhelmed with the sweetness of God - that He loves me so much that He wanted to continue our conversation from last night!

I finished the homework for tomorrow's women's study, then put on a kettle of water to make tea. A quick trip to "the library," where I read this excerpt from the June 2013 Tabletalk. Scott Devor, writing on the Christian's adoption into God's family: It is in Christ that we see [the] compassion of the Father most fully expressed. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Rom. 8:32)

Devor continues: As our Father, He gives us all things that we need, and knows them before we ask (Matt. 6:8). This is similar to what Jesus taught on the Sermon on the Mount - that if earthly (and sinful) fathers know how to give good gifts and care for their children, how much more will our heavenly (perfect) Father give good gifts and care for us (Matt. 7:9-11)?

I've been brought to tears this morning - not because of fear, but because my Father is so very, very good. Almighty God - who has destroyed nations, slain entire armies, who crushed His own Son for my sake - the sovereign, terrible, omnipotent creator and sustainer of the universe, has stooped to love His frightened daughter with such incredible sweetness and tenderness.

I am undone. 

THANKFUL

For although they new God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools... Romans 1:21-22

God is indeed sovereign. He is good. And He loves me very much.

Because these things are true, I can say, at the end of a particularly exhausting, difficult day, "Thank you, Lord..."

Thank you, Lord, because this day of wrestling and head-butting and struggling in the ring has strengthened new muscles.

Thank you, Lord, that in the very middle of trials, You graciously remind me of the security that is mine in Jesus.

Thank you, because, weary and heavy-hearted at day's end, I have had to run again to Christ for rest, and have found in Him great refreshment.

God is sovereign. He is good. And He loves me very much.

Because these things are true, I can say "Thank you."

Thank you, Lord, for a good night's sleep, and for a new day.

Thank you, Lord, that I woke this morning to the songs of meadowlarks in the hay field.

Thank you for a day at home, a pause from the frantic running to-and-fro.

God is sovereign. He is good. And He loves me very much.

Because these things are true, I can say "Thank you."

When the enemy of my soul conspires with my sinful flesh to discourage and defeat me, I can meet my adversary with this prayer in my heart: "This affliction does not come to me without the knowledge and good purposes of almighty God. Thank you, Lord, for Jesus, and for the life and the security and the joy that are mine in Him. Thank you, Lord, for even this present trial. Teach me, Lord - what would you have me learn?" Oh, I wonder how our adversary recoils when we respond to his onslaughts with praise to our Father in Heaven!

Jesus lived and died and defeated death and now intercedes . . . for me.

Thank you, Jesus, for saving fools like me. Thank you for lips to say, "Thank you."

Oh give thanks to the LORD for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 118:1

MARTHA - UPDATE FROM CHIBA!

"No matter how much you are into trying new things in new places, do NOT try a bowl full of little simmered eels!"

Martha has now been living and serving in Chiba, Japan, for one month. She has eaten octopus and squid, fish eggs and eel, seaweed and lots and lots of rice. She has been to the public baths. She has learned to navigate the train system, and how to get help when she accidentally boards the wrong train. She has learned how to ask for help when shopping for groceries.


Martha wrote that, at first, not knowing the language made her feel very vulnerable, but that she has learned that vulnerability is a gift. It requires her to talk to people and engage with them in even the most ordinary, mundane life situations. She's found that when she asks for help, the Japanese people are eager to assist her, and that the simple act of helping a confused American girl find the powdered cocoa can soften someone's personal boudaries and lead to an opportunity for a lengthy and more meaningful conversation.

Martha is growing in love for and appreciation for her awesome team members and the variety of personalities and gifts they bring to the Chiba ministry. Even with the stresses that are part of living in tight quarters and working long days, she writes, "The longer I'm here, the more I like everyone on this team."

Here is a glimpse of the MTW church-planting mission in Japan. Dan Iverson is the team leader over the group Martha works with, and this clip shows some of the places where Martha is living and working this summer:

The first couple of weeks, Martha and other interns taught classes at a small Christian school in Chiba. With school out for holiday, they are now helping with VBS programs at Oyumino Chapel. Martha is also teaching piano lessons and helping with English as a Second Language classes offered at the church.

Martha spent a recent weekend with a very gracious non-Christian Japanese family. When the family visited a local Buddhist temple, the mother gave Martha a coin to donate to the temple and told her she could ask for a blessing. Martha explained that she was a Christian, and that she prayed to Jesus, not to figures at the temple. Later that evening, the mother asked Martha to pray over their meal. "We do not know how to pray here like you do," she told Martha. "We need you to show us how." When Martha left this sweet family to return to her residence with the other MTW interns, the mother shared that she and her family wanted to come to Martha's church, if that would not be inappropriate. Martha was delighted!

Martha's favorite thing about living and working in Japan this summer is definitely the CHILDREN. Whether it's teaching piano lessons, practicing English, doing Bible school activities, babysitting, or just playing a game together, she loves loving on the children.

I think God has richly answered Martha's prayer, prayed when she was such a tiny child herself. Children, music, missions - three passions combined into one amazing opportunity to share the love of Christ.







Please continue to keep Martha and the other MTW Chiba interns in your prayers over the summer. Pray for many opportunities to experience for themselves and to share with others around them the great Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

As Martha writes: "May Jesus Christ be praised in every corner of the earth!"

(Thank you, Natalie Lockard, for sharing the photos! Natalie is one of Martha's team-mates, and she has a blog about her experiences in Chiba that you can check out here.)

HANDING OVER THE SELF

Find yourself. Love yourself. Be yourself. Express yourself.

I've heard the above mantra from so-called Christian counselors. I read it almost daily in "inspirational" Facebook status posts. Heard it preached from the pulpits of churches that encourage you to find your best self now. Read it in books passed to me by genuinely kind and caring friends, books intended to free the reader from fear, doubt, guilt, and the past, so as to empower one to live a happy and fulfilling life in the present.

These are pleasant words, often shared with the best intentions. But these words are lies.

Jesus says something radically different: "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. . ." (Luke 9:23-24)

The apostle Paul exclaimed in doxology: "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)

Any counsel or encouragement or philosophy that stands contrary to God's Word will ultimately lead not to self-fulfillment, but to self-destruction.

Indeed, the hard words of a faithful and honest friend are sweeter than the sugar-coated panacea peddled by the fake soul doctors of our day. This is one reason I so love C.S. Lewis: he is honest. He doesn't shy away from the truth. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity: 

Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. . . Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'

Lewis continues: "The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves', to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centred on money or pleasure or ambition - and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do."

The cure for my soul sickness, for my great internal disquiet, for my shame and guilt and inadequacy, is not to affirm myself, love myself, affirm my self worth. The cure is to admit the truth - the truth that I am as bad as all that, even worse than I or anyone else knows. The cure is to admit the truth about myself, and then to step into the light of the truth of the Gospel - Jesus saves sinners like me. While I was an enemy of God, Christ died for me. (Romans 5:8) His love and mercy and grace are that big, that good, that sufficient.

I am safe and I have worth not because of who I am in and of my self, but because of who Jesus is, and who I am in Him.

A recent Tweet from pastor Tim Keller reads: "I am so bad that He had to die. I am so loved that He was glad to die."

Confronted with such love, I am undone.

Jesus, here is my self. Please, Lord, take it all.

WATERING TREES

I am watering the trees today.

Elmer - a maple we dug up back on the farm and relocated to the front yard.

Baby Tree, and Baby Tree's friend (Martha didn't want Baby Tree to be lonely) - two small cedars just out past the garden.

The little scraggly hazel tree next to the driveway.

I set the hose on barely a drizzle, drag it out to the base of a tree, then let it run for 30-40 minutes. Longer, if I forget to check the clock. So I'm in-and-out, in-and-out. Between jaunts outside to drag the long heavy hose around the yard, I'm switching over laundry, weeding around the flowers, trying to find something that Helen can eat that she actually has an appetite for, short stabs at poking through the mountain of books and papers on my kitchen counter.

Maybe. . . maybe I'll make it back into my bedroom closet sometime today and resume the task of excavating that dismal abyss. Maybe.

Today, I don't have a car - my "big kids" have the vehicles either at work or out running errands. When I'm outside, I don't have a phone. Not too tied up with other things - it's a good day to water the trees.

In and out, in and out. Like a cat, that's always on the wrong side of the door. Like a 6-year-old on holiday.

Like an old lady watering trees.

IT'S GOT TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." I don't know who first said this, but I'm definitely beginning to relate.

I had my annual check-up with the eye doctor yesterday morning. I juned about getting the men folk out the door, hurriedly checked off a few morning chores, then raced out the front door. Bingo! I checked in at the doctor's office at precisely 9:30. I was so proud of myself for being on top of the morning schedule - oh, yeah! (I'm just not usually very "together," folks, so it was exhilarating to be on time for once.)

Then began the waiting. I don't mind waiting at the doctor's office - it's quiet, and clean, and I can read a magazine or chat with new people. Yesterday morning, I spent the time writing a nice long letter to Tom.

Finally, I made it back to an exam room. The doctor came in to do his magic stuff with strange machines and flashing lights. Diagnosis: I have healthy, 50-year old eyes. This means, my vision has slightly worsened since last year's check up, and I have the very beginning of a cataract in my left eye. (Oh, that explains why my glasses never seem clean!)

As my doctor said, "Getting older has some positives and some negatives. This is just one of the negatives."

"I'll take it," I replied. "It's good to be fifty."

"Really?" the doctor responded. "A lot of people don't like turning 50...just the idea of getting older makes them feel terrible."

"The way I figure it," I explained, "I'm on my way home now. I've lived at least half of my life. I've paddled my canoe to the middle of the lake, and every stroke from here is toward the shore. I'm like a horse headed to the barn!"

Yep, you won't hear me complaining about being a year older.

Ahem.

When I finally returned home, I commented to my youngest that my appointment at the eye doctor's had taken much longer than usual - over 2 hours. I wasn't complaining, just surprised because they are usually pretty quick.

"Oh!" Helen suddenly remembered, "Right after you left this morning, they called and asked if you were coming in for your appointment. You were scheduled for 9:00, not 9:30."

Ahem.

This wouldn't be so sad if the doctor's office hadn't called on Tuesday and reminded me that I was supposed to come in at 9:00 on Wednesday morning - I talked to them myself. If I didn't have "9:00 - EYE APPOINTMENT" written in big black letters on my calendar. If I hadn't been so very proud of myself for arriving punctually at 9:30.

I have no idea what happened. All I know is that I got up yesterday morning with "9:30" buzzing around in my mind...

...where ever that is!

GO DOWN SWINGING

I am a fearful person. I fear what people think of me and how they'll respond to me. I fear for the safety and welfare of my children. I fear that I'll say or do (or write) something that will hinder someone else in their faith. The list goes on and on.

But Scripture tells me there is only one thing I should fear, and that is God. A reverent fear. In a strange way, a deeply comforting fear.

Scripture, on the other hand, tells me NOT to fear men, or what they may do to me. Not to fear for tomorrow, what I will eat or wear. Not to fear for my safety - my life is God's anyway, right?

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:5b-6

Do not be anxious about anything.

But still, I am afraid.

One of the lovely side-effects of being 50-ish is that I rarely sleep through the night. I usually wake up around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, still tired but unable to sleep. I have found this to be an awesome time to pray - the house is quiet, and I'm not distracted by the chores that need attending. Basically, I just lie in the bed and pray, pray, pray, until, eventually, sleep returns.

Last night I woke up with such a heavy weight of anxiety on my heart! My kids are scattered to the four corners of the world. Yes, I fear for their safety. I am concerned for the choices they make. Mostly, I am anxious because I want so desperately to be certain that their hearts belong to God. And so, I prayed about these things.

But still, I was haunted with a nagging uneasiness.

I know that God is sovereign. That He is good. That He loves me, very, very much. I KNOW these things. Where then does this disquiet come from?

I think Satan sometimes haunts us, shadows us with an Eeyore cloud of gloom, so that we are unable to rest in and enjoy the peace and assurance that are ours in Christ. Satan cannot make Christ's work or God's sure promises ineffective; instead, he clouds our vision so that we don't feel like God's promises are true, we don't feel like God's Spirit is close at hand to comfort and guide us. What do we do then, when we are troubled by lying feelings?

I read once a piece of advice a father gave to his son. This man told his son never to start a fight. . . but to always finish every fight he was in. Don't start fights. But, if someone else starts one, and you find yourself in the middle of it, make sure that the fellow who starts it walks away limping, that he has reason to think twice about picking another fight. He told his son, it's okay to lose a fight - just make sure the other guy never wins.

This has become my strategy for dealing with these anxieties that sometimes pile in on me in the middle of the night. Yes, I may be discomfited, but Satan is not going to walk away with a win.

So, I pray...for the health and safety of my children. For my husband's job. For the ministry I am a part of at Grace. For the friend living in bondage to sin. For whatever troubles my mind. And if, after praying, I still don't have peace...

I sing. Not out loud (at least not at 2:00 in the morning!), but silently. Words of classic, soul-edifying hymns. Whate'er my God ordains is right: his holy will abideth; I will be still whate'er he doth, and follow where he guideth. Words of praise choruses. Oh, Lord, you're beautiful! Your face is all I seek! The Doxology. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Praise Him all creatures here below.

Amazing how this exercise quiets and calms my anxious soul.

If sin and the devil want to "pick a fight," if they want to play on my fears, then I will hang in and finish the fight. I may not win - my fears may be back to haunt me another day - but I will go down swinging. I intend to leave my adversary with a bloody nose and a blacked eye.

Am I a fearful woman? Yes. What will I do when Satan punches my fear buttons? I'm not even going to give him the time of day. No, I'm going to praise the God who made and keeps me.

Praise God.
Praise God.