During my most recent bout with allergies, I discovered that my new favorite "tissue" is Bounty super-absorbent dinner napkins. They are tougher and more absorbent than facial tissues, such as Puffs or Kleenex, but not as scratchy as paper towels. This, I commented to friends on Facebook, is probably exactly the kind of information that someone like Angelina Jolie has absolutely zero use for. I can't imagine such a beautiful lady struggling with sinus congestion. Or with snot pouring out of her nose. Or fogging up her glasses every time she sneezes.
On a run to Wal-Mart a couple of days ago, the thought occurred to me that Ms. Jolie probably doesn't have to make emergency stops at the discount store for milk and toilet paper, either. I mean, I'm sure she uses toilet tissue (don't we all?), but, somehow, I just can't imagine her standing at a self-checkout machine at Wally World with a mega-pack of quilted Charmin.
Which got me to thinking...
Angelina Jolie knows a lot of things that I don't know. Like how to look beautiful on screen. How to walk in 3-inch heels. How to wear skin-tight leather. How to be skinny. How to ride in a limousine. How to evade obsessive fans. How to make a million dollars.
But I've got a few things on her, too. Like my discovery about Bounty super-absorbent napkins. Or where to find the mega-pack of toilet paper in the Wal-Mart store. Or how to pluck a chicken. I know how to eat an entire bag of Riesen chocolate caramels in one sitting. How to clean cat gack out of the carpet, and what kind of shampoo to buy to treat head lice. I know how to fry squirrel for dinner and how to build a compost box.
I'm glad there are all kinds of people in the world. Svelte, elegant, beautiful people. Pudgy, gray-haired grandmothers. Snotty nosed toddlers. Academic gurus. Wal-Mart greeters. World-renowned scientists.We all add something valuable to this big candy bowl called human existence.
And Ms. Jolie, if you ever get in a losing battle with a thicket of ragweed, don't hesitate to give me a call. I've got all kinds of tips I'm willing to share.
1 month ago