Friday, May 7, 2010

YOU MAY BE APPROACHING 50 IF.... understand the meaning of the term compression garment. Your underwear is a practical application of NASA technology, and, in size, is not unlike a spaceshuttle landing field. climb out of the recliner after working the daily crossword in the newspaper, and, hearing a clatter, begin looking to see if you've dropped your glasses or your pen. Oh, yeah, I forgot....that's just my joints cracking.

...your kids have ever laughed at you for simultaneously wearing two pairs of glasses - one on your face, and a forgotten pair on top of your head. have discovered that, at large gatherings, everyone in the room sounds like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon. "Wah, wuh-wa-wah..." You're seriously considering taking a class in lip reading. hesitate at the top of stairs, trying to decide between the danger-induced thrill of walking down normally or the safety of taking the steps sideways, one at a time. Step, close. Step, close. Step, close.
...the Classic Rock station plays all the tunes you loved in highschool. Where do they get off calling those songs "oldies"?
...your son asks if he can spend Saturday helping a friend round up cows, and you answer by telling him the menu for tonight's supper. "What?" "Oh, you weren't asking about dinner, were you. I misunderstood. What did you ask?"
...your hour-glass figure has transformed into something more like a Ripley's-Believe-It-or-Not version of a sweet potato. Yep, you finally got some curves...they're all just six inches lower and much bigger around than they're supposed to be. think making the bed, showering, and getting dressed in the morning qualifies as an aerobic workout. drop something on the floor, and, after a pause, you decide to leave it there. You'll pick it up later, after you've dropped three or four other things. That way, bending over will be more worth the effort.
...even when you're wearing your reading glasses, your arms are not long enough to allow you to read the buttons on the TV remote. the morning, you reach for the Raisin Bran or the Meusli instead of the Lucky Charms or Cap'n Crunch. And you absolutely MUST have that morning cup of coffee. For health reasons. bedtime, you frequently find yourself debating whether to take two ibuprofen - or - drink a glass of wine - or - just go straight for the Lunesta.
...a good night's sleep means you stayed in bed until the alarm went off (not that you slept the whole time), except for the two times you got up to use the bathroom and the time you got up to change nightgowns after a nuclear hot flash. Hello, menopause!
...instead of doing things for your kids so that they won't hurt themselves, your kids now do things for you so that you won't hurt yourself.
...removing your brassiere is a cost-effective alternative to having surgery for a face lift. Here is the dilemma: Do you lose twenty pounds in pursuit of your youthful figure, only to find you now look like one of those raisins at the bottom of the box? - or - Do you keep the extra weight, sacrificing your fanny for your face, so that you look a little younger above the shoulders?'ve ever thought that you have probably already lived at least half of your life. You've paddled your canoe to the middle of the lake. From here on, no matter what life throws at you, you're paddling toward shore. It's all home from here!

1 comment:

Jenny said...

I laughed. I cried. It moved me, Bob.