It scares me, sometimes, to sit down here at the blog and put my fingers to the keyboard. How appropriate that Scripture exhorts Christians to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling," for fear and trembling are close acquaintances!
How is it that God compels me to
write this or to
write that? God lays a burden on my heart, or speaks with ringing clarity through a passage of Scripture or through a brother or sister in Christ, or He meets me in a particular circumstance of life, or in some other way stirs me up so that, without fully understanding why, I am compelled to write.
I often ask, "Why? Why must I write about
this, Lord? Why
now?" Sometimes He tells me why. A comment or a private message: "Thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to read today." - or - "Your words have given me new courage." - or - "It is good to know I am not alone." Sometimes, the answer to my "Why?" is a stinging rebuke that leads me to repentance or a challenge that stretches me, pushes me outside my comfort zone.
Often, however, my "Why?" receives no answer.
Then there are times when, compelled to write, I respond: "Really? Must I go
there?!" I protest, balk, stall, fighting against the fire growing inside my bones. "No, Lord! Please, do not make me go there!" I love writing here at the blog, but let me be honest: so many of these posts are bathed in tears, written only after long resistance and great struggle.
So it is today.
Today's post is difficult for me to write, for it is written from a broken heart. God has not told me why, or to what end, only to write. I do so with fear and trembling, desperate for and thankful for the prayers of those faithful sisters who take my name often into the throne room of God. I suspect this may grow into multiple posts...I really have no idea...know only that I can no longer bear the fire, and so I must begin.
* * *
"It was a difficult time in my life. My family was disintegrating around me. A close friend died. I was confused, angry, and depressed. I struggled with some really hard questions about God and faith. I went to my church for help. I was given no solid answers, only platitudes - people said I needed to have more faith, and just trust God.
"They offered me no comfort, no assurance, no real hope. I decided then that this Christianity thing was all a bunch of lies, people playing make-believe, trying to make other people 'do the right thing' so maybe we could all feel good about ourselves."
He shifted in his seat. "That's when I left the church."
So much sadness behind those young eyes.
* * *
"I need help. Can I please meet with the session?" The woman wondered if the church leader to whom she spoke noticed she was trembling.
"Absolutely. We have our regularly monthly meeting next week. I will put you on the agenda."
But next week's meeting was cancelled. One of the elders was out of town.
"Please, I need help. Can I meet with you?" she asked again.
"Of course. Come to our December meeting."
But December's meeting was a Christmas social for leaders and their wives, not a "business" meeting. Not a meeting for the flock. Certainly not a meeting for one sheep needing to talk about her problems.
"I need to talk to someone." She no longer tried to hide the trembling, and tears streaked down her cheeks.
"Oh! I am so sorry! Yes, certainly, come to our January meeting. Of course we want to help!"
But January's meeting was rescheduled. Somehow, the woman didn't get the message.
And then, she just disappeared. Was it strange that not one single person called to see if she was okay, to see if she was even still alive?
* * *
"Why did the women at ----/[her church] abandon me?" the young woman asked. "They said they loved me. They said they would always be here for me. But when I needed them most, they disappeared. I was completely broken, I was dying inside, and nobody even checked on me. Nobody prayed with me. Nobody told me they miss me. It's like they completely forgot I exist."
She paused, blinked several times and sniffed. "I love these women. They said they loved me. I believed them." She looked me in the eye. "Why did the women at ---- abandon me?"
I did not have an answer.
* * *
The three people mentioned above are real people. The three churches they attended, real churches.
These three people loved their churches. They were not nominal members, showing up only on holidays and potluck Sundays. They entered into church membership asking: "How can I serve?" They volunteered in the nursery, participated in and taught Bible studies and Sunday school classes, joined in youth activities, prayed for their church leadership, ministered to and wept with other church members. They desired to know God better and to love his people well.
These three churches - you can attend any one of them this Sunday. You will hear solid, biblical preaching from the pulpit. You will sing theologically rich hymns and worship songs. You can read in the bulletin about church programs and activities, opportunities for service, and missionaries and ministries supported by each church. You will be warmly welcomed by friendly, smiling people: "Nice to meet you! I'm so glad you're here!"
* * *
The three people mentioned above did not sink quietly into despair, hoping that someone would notice and take the initiative to help them. When they encountered trials, hardship, and serious faith challenges, they went to their church leadership and to other church members and asked for help.
Help was promised. Help was not given.
I don't have enough fingers to count the number of people who have related similar experiences to me recently. People neglected by and/or deeply wounded by the very ones who should have come to their succor, those charged with their welfare, their shepherds, their sisters and brothers in Christ.
Why does the church neglect and wound her own? I don't know why. That is the question behind this post and those following.
* * *
I do not want to end on a sad note.
God is gently working in the hearts of the three people mentioned above. He is bringing them through grief and despair into new life and hope. He has brought each into a fellowship where they can heal, learn, grow, and serve.
God is faithful, even when the church is not.